Devoid

WHO'S BACK?

LISA's POV

4 months later

"Ate?"

"The one and only," masiglang bati ng aking kapatid at hinalikan ako sa pisngi. "Hello, hello my dear sister."

After greeting each other, I invited her to the living room so that we could sit and talk.

"Hindi ko keri itong kaguluhan sa condo mo ha? Jusko day, hindi ba uso ang maglinis sayo? Kung dito lang sana si—"

"Ate, I know. Don't worry, I'll find time."

My sister crossed her arms and looked at me intently. I bet her motherly instinct is being triggered again. Si ate kasi, kahit madaldal at makulit ay sobrang protective at OA pagdating sa akin. Daig niya pa nga  minsan si mommy. At alam ko na sobra rin siyang nahirapan noong naghiwalay kami ni Jen. Mahal na mahal niya rin kasi iyon.

"And when is that, aber?"

"Later, perhaps."

"Makapagsalita ka eh alam naman nating may gig ka. Don't me Lisa, ha?"

"I asked for a month vacation. It started a week ago."

Yes, it's true. I thought I needed a break from the daily booze, loud music, coke, and other crazy stuff that is why I asked my manager for a month off to gather my shit together. The confrontation with Tanya had also created a big impact on me. In fact, it has been bugging me for weeks already... making me realize how stupid I am to let go of the girl who had been there for me... kahit noong una ay wala naman sa plano niyang mahalin ako... wala ako sa plano niya.

Pero ganon naman diba? Minsan ay dumarating ang mga tao o bagay na wala sa plano natin. It's just up to us on how to respond to the people, circumstances, or things that come along our way.

And Jennie responded positively to my sudden involvement in her life.

At kung kailan natutunan niya na akong mahalin ng lubos ay sinaktan ko lang siya... ako ang unang sumuko sa laban na aking sinimulan. In the end, I realized that I was on the losing side because I did not fight for her in a battle against none other but myself... my ambitions, my desires.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with aspiring for a greater version of yourself. Sino ba naman ang gustong maiwan sa ibaba o kaya manatiling nasa ibaba? It's just that sometimes, we tend to forget that moving on to the next level comes with greater responsibilities and we need to be wise enough in handling bigger opportunities because the decisions that we make are connected to the people around us. One wrong move could turn the efforts that we exerted from the beginning into waste.

Just like what happened to me. Akala ko ay kaya kong pasukan ang lahat ng gusto ko ng sabay sabay pero akala ko lang pala yun dahil ultimo mga gamit ko ay inaasa ko parin kay Jennie kahit alam kong sobrang busy rin niyang tao. Hindi ko rin magawang alagaan ang sarili ko, na siyang aking puhunan, dahil hindi ako kumakain at natutulog sa tamang oras.

When I realized that I've become too dependent on her, I was taken aback. I suddenly wanted to do everything on my own. And as I am pushing myself to be independent, I didn't realize that I am also pushing her away from me. But she was very persistent. You could probably picture our situation before like in the classic bus scene of the Taiwanese TV series "Meteor Garden" where Shan Cai was running after Dao Ming Si.

Perhaps Jen was Shan Cai and I am Dao Ming Si.

She did everything with all her might to reach me out even if she is already too tired and drained. And just like Shan Cai, she let go of her bag filled with goods... her own dreams, aspirations, and pride... just to keep up with my speed.

I, in return, failed to recognize her efforts because I was busy looking on other things. Like Dao Ming Si, it seemed like I forgot that she was part of my past, of my present. Damn, she is my future. I was blinded by the "new version" of myself that I failed to see her significance in my life.

When I realized that I can't handle everything that has been laid in front of me, I was so depressed that I used cocaine as a temporary getaway from pressures and problems. Seeing the hurt from Jennie's eyes whenever I cancel our dates, prioritize my gigs and friends, and throw harsh words during our fights had likewise added the damage to the injury. That is why I chose to set her free because I can no longer afford to see her in a miserable situation.

"Hey! You zoned out, girl!" narinig kong sabi ni Ate na siyang nagpabalik ng diwa ko.

"Sorry, what were you saying?"

"Wala. My goodness sisteret! Ano ba? You look so tragic!... Seriously, ang payat payat mo. Ew! May ikakapayat ka pa ba?"

I was supposed to answer when we heard a knock. My sister presented to open the door which bore Ate Seul who looked so cool in her red hoodie.

I stood up from the couch to greet her. As a response, she did not only give me a warm hug but loads of treats as well from their tour abroad.

"How's my sister-in-law?"

"I'm cool... Wait, what? Sister in law?" naguguluhan kong tanong.

"Yes sister-in-law. Hindi mo pa ba sinabi, Love?"

I was so curious with the "sister-in-law" word that I immediately looked at their hands.

"Wait... did you two---"

"Nakakainis ka! It was supposed to be a surprise!"

Agad namang inalo ni Ate Seul ang maldita kong kapatid.

"Hey Love, sorry na. Akala ko nasabi mo nang kasal na tayo."

"Pwes hindi na ngayon! Pambasag-trip ka!"

I can't help but smile when I saw my sister's girlfriend---wife--- hug my sister from behind and showered her with kisses from her neck to face.

"Stop, nakikiliti ako. Ano ba!"

"Ate ang arte arte mo. Tumigil ka nga... But seriously, did you two really tie-the-knot?"

My sister nodded and revealed that Ate Seul proposed to her the morning before heading to the airport for their first itinerary months ago. And of course, my sister gave her big yes and the two of them secretly exchanged their "I DOs" in Las Vegas.

...

"Uhm, Lis... do you mind if I ask how you are coping with Jen's absence? It's been months already" asked ate Seul.

Damn. Her heavy question made me chug my beer before answering.

"To be honest... I don't know."

"Tangina naman, L. Hanggang ngayon, hindi mo parin alam ang dapat mong maramdaman? Lost in paradise ka pa rin?" giit ng aking kapatid.

"Shh. Love, let her explain her side. Calm down."

"I don't know what I'm supposed to feel because... I feel like I'm in hell right now. And you're not supposed to decipher what you feel when you're in hell because hell is composed of all the worst things no one could ever imagine... I deserve all these punishments because I'm so stupid for letting her slip away just like that."

When tears started to fall and my throat started forming a lump, I cried my heart out in front of my sister and her wife.

"Where is she right now, ate? Maayos lang ba ang kalagayan niya? It's been a long time since I last heard from her."

My sister replied, "No one knows her exact location. But wherever she is, just let be alone for a while to gather her shits. She needs it and you need it too. "

"Alam mo ba kung kailan ang balik niya?"

"Ano ba, L. Paulit-ulit? Unli lang? Hindi ko nga alam kung nasaan siya, ang balik niya pa kaya?"

I just gave a deep sigh and finished my beer.

"I miss her so much, Ate. I love her so much. I can't see my future with anyone else but her."

"I hope she feels the same way too when she comes back, L. I really hope so."