Devoid

HEATED ARGUMENTS

I know you say you know me, know me well

But these days I don't even know myself, no

I always thought I'd be with someone else

I thought I would own the way I felt, yeah

...

Whoa, you stress me out, you kill me

You drag me down, you fuck me up

We're on the ground, we're screaming

I don't know how to make it stop

I love it, I hate it, and I can't take it

But I keep on coming back to you

...

Yeah, so you can cut me up and kiss me harder

You can be the pill to ease the pain

'Cause I know I'm addicted to your drama

Baby, here we go again

"So what do you think of my new mix?" Lisa asked after letting me hear her own mix of Louis Tomlinson and Bebe Rexha's "Back to You".

I replied, "It's cool."

"Cool? What about the beat and other technicalities?" she irritatedly asked.

"Lisa, I'm not a music pro."

"Come on. You used to give comments on my mixes and suggest some add-ons. You don't need to be a music pro to assess it."

For a moment, I massaged my temple because I know that another argument is gonna fire up any seconds from now.

"Well, my assessment is that it's cool. Isn't it enough to satisfy you already? Why do you sound so annoyed?"

She gave me an empty look with both of her palms up on the level of her shoulders.

"Because you are not paying attention! I was just asking for your judgment towards my work. I want to know if it needs improvement or already good enough. Is that so hard for you to do?... Ugh shit, never mind. Let's just sleep and talk tomorrow."

I gave her a sarcastic laugh and said: "You had all my attention for the past days, weeks, months, and throughout the whole duration of our relationship Lis. I also wonder if we can talk tomorrow. You know, for the past months, I've always tried to open up a conversation with you but you're always in front of your computer, phone or controller. 'We'll talk tomorrow'? You have spoken that too many times but to no significance. Because when tomorrow comes, there are other things that you must do... practice, meetings, songs that you must mix, and so on..."

Before I could even stop it, warm liquids were already flowing from my eyes like skateboards rolling in an inclined road. It's my first time to break down in front of her.

"I'm so hurt with the fact that I would have to beg just to capture your attention. For the past six months, how many dates have we missed? When we say the word 'I love you', was it always sincere? In fact, I can barely hear or read those three words from you lately... I'm not asking too much from you. But I want you to know that for the last six months, I can compare myself to that of a child whose parents are always busy. I need to do something just to be noticed... We're living in this tight space but it felt like the distance between us is so afar that I cannot reach you...

... I'm not asking so much. I just wanted to feel secure in your arms. I needed the assurance that the girl who asked me to love her two years ago still wanted me to stay in her life today... not close enough to invade her whole world and not too far away that I couldn't feel her anymore. "

"You just always like to complicate things and give meaning out of everything. Do you want me to give up being a DJ? Do you want me to stop playing tennis? You, of all people, knew how passionate I am when it comes to music and sports. You were very supportive when I decided to enter the DJ school. You were my number one fan when I had my first gig. You were present in every tennis match that I have since we've been together. Do you want me to give up everything so that your cravings for attention will be satisfied? So that we could snuggle all day? So that we could travel places together? Don't you understand that I'm living my dreams right now and I'm happy with what I'm doing?! You're being selfish!"

Before I could even compose a response in my mind, she already walked out of the door leaving me and my heart broken once again.

...

The argument Lisa and I had this evening had been replaying in my mind for how many times already and I've been trying to assess if whose point was right. Did I become too honest with my feelings that I went beyond the line, making her burst out that way? Or maybe she just perceived my point in a different manner?

I don't know, I just want to forget all the negative things for a moment and just remember all the happy times we shared together. So I decided to open my computer and watch our videos together. Some were already compiled and edited while the rest are raw footages.

My favorite one was the video file titled "newcamtest.wmv". This video clip was taken more than a year ago when I bought a new camera and she became my test subject. There's actually nothing much but my girlfriend being herself, rolling over the bed and expressing her love to me.

" I wuv wuv you baby."

"Why do you love me?"

"It's hard to explain. Don't make it hard for me... I just weally love you I can hardly explain it"

She faced the camera and fixed her hair before uttering a word.

"Hello camera. My name is Lalisa Gypsy Laurel and I am madly in wuv with Ms. Jennie Jill Carlisle. Please tell her to remember that always because she's older than me and she might forget it."

"You're so mean, babe."

She just rolled her eyes and pouted her lips.

"Please turn off the camera so I can kiss you properly."

"As you wish, Miss."

"Goodbye camewa. I'm gonna do something wild to your owner. Rawr!"

I will always miss those moments. And even though it won't happen again, I hope we would create new memories together. But if there's really no chance for us to rekindle everything, I hope that she won't regret having me in her life.