Moonlight ~ A Study in Stupidity

Chapter 11 - That one time I so totes almost died !?!

When I got out I stood at the side of my truck waiting to slap the shit out of stupid little retarded Raven when she flew by playing airplane. As I was already bored ASF anyways I looked up, and something even stupider slightly caught my eye.The sweaty face of Duh Derrick behind the wheel of a rape van trolling for talent thru the parking lot at a high rate of speed. As soon as our eyes met ...he immediately lost his shit in mid jack attack.

I suddenly heard the sound of screeching tires across the parking lot. It was a high-pitched screech, the kind that becoming painfully louder instead of going away. The tires locked and squealing against the brakes, and then the rape van was like totally spinning stupidly across the icy parking lot right at Raven's dumb dancing ass.   

The sudden rush of adrenaline spiked right thru my skull and seemed to make my brain think things much faster ...but not really any better. All these unwanted thoughts about things bombarded my brain all at once, like a lot of thoughts fell thru my brain like rain. So I struggled to fight back the sudden wave of thinking things, because that shit hurt way to much for my head to handle. 

Then I saw several things simultaneously all at once ... 

First freaky ASF Eddie was standing a couple of cars down from me, glaring at me in horror. His twisted frosty face stood out from all the sea of forking faces, all frozen in the same mask of WTF. But of more importance than his stupid face was the dark blue rape van that was starting to skid straight at me. And the only thing between me and that rape van of death was the stupid little frosty forktard dancing around the parking lot.

Then amazingly, just as the rape van was about to impact that idiot, the little retard danced right out of the way just in the nick of time. So now, of course, it was coming right at me, instead of killing Raven like it so should have. And the rape van was going to smash right into my truck, and I was standing between them. 

I had one of those almost outer body drug experiences, the kind where everything suddenly got very sideways. Like the way it does sometimes when you mix Midol, Nyquil, and way to much weed and can hear your own heartbeat in your head. Then things were moving in super slow motion, and I was able to absorb everything in blurry detail all at once. I barely had time to close my eyes, just before I was smashed like a bug. 

And right at the end, just before I was about to die, all I could think was:  "Oh my God, I was gonna die a virgin? What kind of karmic justice was that shit! What a total waste of all that yoga that went into making a fine piece of ass like mine. That is so totes wrong of you God!"

Just before I heard the shattering crunch of the rape van folding around the back truck bumper, something slapped me super hard in the ass. But oddly not from the direction I was expecting, but from behind me. I spun around sideways like a rag doll and my head cracked back against the truck door, hard enough to make the fuzzy dice in the mirror spin around to snake eyes. Then suddenly I was dragged down, swinging my ass sideways, and I was down on the icy ground. I felt something solid and super hard on top of me pinning my face to the pavement. 

But I didn't have a chance to think any more thoughts about this because the rape van was still sliding sideways right at me. It had curled around the back bumper of my truck and, still spinning and sliding, was about to collide with my fine ass.

"Mutherfucker!" I called out to my mother at the last second. 

"Actually I prefer virgins to MILFS...just saying." Said in a stupid singsongy voice was impossible not to recognize.

That particular piece of stupid made me aware that someone was on top of me. WTF was this frosty fucker doing pushing down on my ass so hard it hurt? Then I realized that maybe he was mad at God too and wanted to attack that ass just once before we both died. And to be honest, as much as I really did not like this evil little asshole ...I kinda couldn't hate him for this final act of kindness.