Moonlight ~ A Study in Stupidity

Chapter Uno ~ My forked up life.

So like, all the way at the tippy-top of Washington State is a small shit-hole of a town named Forked. Which exists under a near-constant cover of Communist Canadian clouds. Like it rains on this inconsequential cesspool of an excuse for a place more than any other spot in all of America. It was from this gloomy sewer and its omnipresent miasma fog that my excuse of a mother escaped with me when I was only a few months old.

My "Sister'mom" said she was a Sunday school teacher there, once upon. But like a lot of things she said, I am pretty sure that was just another one of her many "stories". Personally, I'm thinking she was more of a traveling truck stop stripper, who had fallen on hard times and ended up stuck in the suck for a minute. But then she met "Chief Chuck", and turned professional snitch for a minute, or at least until she could get another "dancing" gig. But then again, who knows which story is the right one? I guess like all families, it's probably just better to stick the story that sounds a lot more like other people's problems.

Anyways ...it was in this sad depressing shithole that I'd been forced to spend at least a month every one of my preteen suicide summers. Sister-Mom said she sent me here to spend some quality time with my so-called "Daddy", Aka small-town Sheriff who should have known better. Funny how that Vacay always seemed to coincide with the Las Vegas Adult Entertainment Convention every year ...like year after year after year.

But by the time I turned thirteen, I finally put my foot down on that Forking noise. So I used my first period as an excuse to "naw not" all over that bullshit. So since then, me and my so-called "Father figure" vacationed in Cali for two weeks every other year instead. So I am going to Disneyland to score some of that bad small world shrooms ...Whoo Woo!

So it was to this little cesspool shithole sewage spot that I now exiled myself to for the duration of high school. An action that I took with a great deal of dread, cause I pretty much forking detested Forked. I loved North Las Vegas. I loved the sun and the blistering heat that baked people's brains insane. I loved the vigorous, sprawling city of lights, full of addicts, the crack whores, drunks and methheads, that made my so-called life a just little less boring ASF. But sometimes a bitch just got to do what a bitch go to do, and this bitch kind of had to do something new. So whatever...

So it's like a five-hour flight in a small ass prop plane from North Las Vegas to Seattle, which only sucked slightly less than what happened next. Cause after I land in Seattle, the least forking friendliest city in America. I waste another three hours of my life on a Greyhound bus smuggling guns across the border into Communist Canada.

Like flying doesn't bother me at all, but three hours in the back of the Greyhound bang bus was seriously sketchy. A lot of those dudes looked like they just got out of prison and their last date was their shimmy date rape cellmate and shit. So I can totally tell all these losers are seriously "looking at me wrong" and giving me a serious case of "the rapies".  I knew that at least a couple of these parole-pedos are maybe thinking to get a little lucky. Maybe getting a little "something-something" at the next rest stop restroom. So right about now I am really starting to miss my bedazzled box cutters, cause these prison bitches seriously need some stitches.

Just before we hit the Communist Canadian border the bus stops in Port Angeles. Or as I like to call it ...the Armpit of Antarctica. When we finally rolled to a stop in the Port Angeles bus station, it was pissing rain ...so not a big shocker there. But like I didn't really see this as an ill-omen or anything? Just another unavoidable consequence of my port of last resort. I'd already said my goodbyes to my old life of fun in the sun anyways. So now I just watched the water suiciding from the sky with a degree of disdain.

Of course, just as I was expecting Chief Chuck was waiting for me at the bus terminal parking lot. He was looking all super copped out, with his mirrored swine shades on. Just leaning like a gunslinger on his cop cruiser looking for an unarmed urban youth to gun down in the street like a dog. Then make up some story about how he felt "threatened" and shit ...but not just by the shade of the urban youths skin.