Diary of a College Senior

Sept 12 - Head vs. Heart

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

If there's anything I've learned this summer, it's that I do have a type. My type is not some smooth talker dressed in a business suit like I previously thought. Instead, my type is kind of nerdy, tall, skinny, and bookish.

I don't know if I am feeling down because I finally realized the type of guy I am looking for only after I have lost him.

Yesterday, I watched a TEDx talk and it made me realize how the majority of our life decisions involve a battle between the head and the heart. For example, when you are picking a career, do you choose something you love to please your heart? Or something logical that will make you rich?

I have realized I am a person of extremes. I do things like picking a lucrative career while silencing my heart's wishes (and killing my soul), and falling in love while tossing all my life plans out of the window.

I keep relating my own situation to one of my favourite Rupi Kaur poems -

"i don't know what living a balanced life feels like
when i am sad
i don't cry, i pour
when i am happy
i don't smile, i beam
when i am angry
i don't yell, i burn
the good thing about
feeling in extremes
is when i love
i give them wings
but perhaps
that isn't
such a good thing
cause they always
tend to leave and
you should see me
when my heart is broken
i don't grieve
i shatter"

If I had listened to my head, this is what my head would have told me -

Look, there is really no point in getting so invested in someone that you are willing to toss away everything you have ever known. Right now is the time to be selfish and to figure out what you really want for yourself, to travel around and explore the world while being young and carefree.

But this doesn't mean I am going to steer clear of all guys this year. I mean, I really should lead a more balanced life. I will still go out and meet new guys, and talk and hang out with them. Maybe I will even find 'the (next) one'. My point is, I should never have to change myself and my life around someone else. Doing so will only bring misery to my life.