Let me hear your thoughts [camren - au]

12

Camila wants more.

Who wouldn't? Who wouldn't want to be Lauren Jauregui's girl? She doesn't think much about why does she like girls. She doesn't think about labeling herself. Because she doesn't have to. Love is love. And Lauren Jauregui is love.

She wants to kiss Lauren every chance she gets. She doesn't, though. She wants to hold her, feel her, claim her. But everytime she sees the uncertainty in Lauren's pool of green, her confidence falters.

Does Lauren wants the same thing? She kissed her first. Yeah, she did. But does it mean something? Is Lauren getting the same tingling in her stomach when their hands brush? Could Lauren be possibly in love with her too?

Oh my God.

I'm in love with Lauren.

I'm in love with Lauren fucking Jauregui.

Camila took her phone out and called to get the best help she can get. The expert of them all. Because that's what she needs right now.

-

"Walz, it's one fucking am. What do you need?" Dinah said grumpily on the phone.

"I need your help. Code red."

Dinah's eyes bulged out with the information. Camila told her about her nameless little crush. Dinah tried to squeeze the information out of her but failed. She would push Camila to act on it, but the Cuban wasn't certain if she can.

All Dinah knows is that this person, whoever he is, is making Camila happier than she already is. Camila having a crush with someone made Dinah stop pinning the girl to Lauren.

"Are you going to tell me his name now?" Dinah probed.

"Why do you assume it's a boy?"

And if Dinah's eyes aren't wide, they sure are now.

"Wait. Wait. Is it her?"

"What do you mean her?"

"Walz quit playing like you don't know who I'm talking about."

"I-uh, well-"

"I knew it! I fucking knew it!" Dinah yelled, causing Camila to wince and put her phone away from her ear.

"You're in love with Lauren, aren't you?"

"Maybe?" Camila said.

"Don't maybe me Mila. Just don't." Dinah warned.

"Okay. Maybe I am? Gosh Dinah what do I do, what do I do?" Camila panicked.

Saying it out loud is a whole lot different thing that thinking it. It makes it much real, somewhat intangible.

"I'm happy that it's you. If I would want Lauren to try again, I would be glad if it's with you."

-

It's like hide and seek. It's like playing tug of war. Whenever Camila would push, Lauren would pull back. Whenever Camila would attempt to take a step towards Lauren, she would take two steps back. But every single day, Camila tries. 

Camila never failed to make Lauren feel special. It's the little things. It's bringing a lunch for Lauren during Wednesdays when the girl doesn't want to eat anything from the menu. It's slipping sticky notes in between Lauren's books with jokes that aren't really funny but is making the green-eyed girl smile. It's holding Lauren during her panic attacks. It's slipping poetry at Lauren's locker. It's offering Lauren her last banana.

It's not that Lauren doesn't trust Camila. She does. It's herself that she doesn't believe in. She knows it's unfair to Camila. She knows she's still stuck in the past, not in the person, but the memories. 

She would tell herself not to look back, because she isn't going that way. She would convince herself that time should have done what it does best, erase feelings. Erase memories. 

But she's too haunted by the fact that she can't love anyone the way she loved Lucy. She can't let someone else near as Lucy had been with her. She just can't. It's funny how losing someone ruins your ability to love anyone just as deeply. 

"Look at me. Who made you like this?" Camila's eyes glistening with tears.

"Who made you unsure? Who made you untrusting? Tell me." She's begging but she doesn't really care at this point.

She wants to know why Lauren reeked of uncertainty. Why is she afraid. She decided to tell the other girl her feelings, but she's met with a Lauren who can't even look her in the eyes. Her first instinct was to run home, away from Lauren. She's a flight risk, who runs at the first sight of danger. But she can't. She don't know if she can face Lauren again if she turned back.

"You deserve the fucking world. And I'm trying here. I'm trying to show you that you deserve every good thing. Just let me in, baby. Just please."

And Lauren just stood there. Thinking maybe, she is broken beyond fix. Maybe, when she thought there's a possibility to make things better, things would find its own way to screw everything up.

"Camila I'm-"

"Bullshit Laur! Bullshit. Stop saying sorry for everything. Not everything is your fault.  I don't know who the fuck hurt you to close yourself like this. But Laur, baby. Just please, listen."

She held Lauren's face in her hands and rested their foreheads together. Lauren gripped her shirt and took a deep, shaky breath.

"Lauren, you are the most amazingly beautiful human being I have met. Your eyes speak galaxies and constellations. Your mind opens portal to a different world. And do you know what you do to me?" Camila took Lauren's hand and pointed it at her chest. "Do you know what you do to this? It makes this beat so fast that I think I'll collapse everytime you're near."

"Don't you get it Camila? I'm too broken. It's gonna be unfair to you and I don't wanna be unfair to you. You-you don't deserve that."

"Rome is built in ruins and is fucking beautiful. What makes you think you aren't?"

-

Camila walked back home, crying. She doesn't care if it's already around eleven. She doesn't care if she's alone. She doesn't care. 

Why is Lauren like that? If she continues to push Camila away, she's not sure how to hold on. It's always hard to fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed. It's hard to fight someone who is long gone. It's hard to put up a fight for someone who's already in the past. She doesn't know anything about what happened with Lauren, but the girl was too broken to try again.

A car was following her and suddenly, she was afraid. She doesn't look back. She tried to speed up her pace, and the car continued to tail her. She noticed one thing -she isn't crying now. 

-

Lauren pulled a pillow to cover her head. She thought about Camila's words over and over again. Lucy's gone. Long gone. She's sure the feelings are, too. She knows that if she stumbled upon the girl again, she won't feel anything at all. She's still in love with the idea of falling in love, the idea of first love, the idea of being loved back. 

She thought of the feelings everytime their hands touched. Of the times she can't sleep at night thinking about her. Or the times she made her laugh. The wonderful things running in her mind.

And she was surprised she isn't thinking about Lucy. She's thinking of Camila.

-

Camila's almost running now and the car is still following her. It's gaining the speed and it screeched in front of her, stopping her tracks. Camila's knees buckled in fear. She took a step back as the silhouette opened the door and walked towards her.

"Where do you think you're going?" The voice said.