letters to fay // z.m.

04

dear fay,

i got fired from the record store today.

probably because i haven't gone to work at all since you left. didn't call in sick, either.

the last time i saw you was there. why would i want to go back?

i was working tony's shift that day... the door bell jingled and i didn't hear it--my headphones were on and i was playing fall out boy so loud i felt like i was at one of their concerts.

you had to reach over the counter and pull on my shirt collar to get me to open my eyes. i jumped out of my skin, you scared me so much.

i remember taking my headphones off and watching you smile at me. i should've known then, it was the last time i'd see you. your smile was sort of sad and pitiful. i didn't question it, though. i'm too quiet to ever say something. i'm so sorry, fay.

your sad smile melted off immediately when i asked you if you wanted to go for a walk. i called in my coworker to take over my shift that i had taken over for my other coworker.

"i didn't know you were working today," you'd said as we walked out of the store and across the park. "i went to your house and your mom answered the door."

"sorry," i muttered, kicking a pebble along the path.

"zayn, will you let me try on your leather jacket?" you'd asked. i know now why you wanted to do that. you were going to leave soon.

i shook my jacket off my shoulders and i remember your eyes widening at my full sleeve of tattoos. i was confused, because i'd forgotten i had never actually taken off my jacket in front of you. you had never seen my arm tattoos. it was mostly because i was insecure and intimidated by you and your friends. by that point in time, i'd told you nearly everything about me...i guess i just left out the tattoos.

"wow, they're beautiful," you murmured as you put my jacket on.

why didn't i just give you that jacket? i wish i'd given you a piece of me..

"thanks, fay," i had answered. for almost the rest of our walk, we talked about my tattoos.

at the very end of the path, we sat down on a bench. there was a willow tree just above us, and i felt like i needed to get something off my chest. i was so nervous, fay. if you saw my hands shaking, my foot tapping, my forehead sweating--it was because i had a confession to make.

i'm so glad i told you before you left.

"i love you," i said. we had known each other since june, and it was now august. i don't know how i was so sure, but i just was.

there were about ten seconds where you didn't say anything, and they were the longest ten seconds of my life.

then, your slender fingers turned my jaw to face you directly. you were grinning as you brought your lips to mine.

it was the best kiss i'd ever had. it was the best moment i'd ever had. i had the best feeling in the pit of my stomach, and in my heart, and in my head. everything was just... right.

and then you pulled away from the kiss and turned your lips to my ear.

"i love you more," you whispered. your words gave me this feeling right down to my bones. something deep inside me smiled--i think it was my soul, fay. you made it wake up.

your whisper of words is just a whisper in the wind now. that memory replays in my mind every minute of every day. your words haunt me, yet comfort me.

what happened to that love, fay? if you love me, then why did you leave?

-z