letters to fay // z.m.

11

dear fay,

remember when you told me you hated your name? i told you it was beautiful and you asked me why i thought that. i then said i would have to make a list because there were so many reasons.

here are just a few reasons i've come up with recently:

-fay was originally used as a short word for fairy, which absolutely describes you: your perfect skin, fair hair, glowing eyes, enchanting smile

-fay is also, in some cases, short for faith. and i have a lot of faith in you. you are my faith. i had almost lost faith in the world until you came along. you gave me my faith back. you gave me hope.

-fay rhymes with day, and you are the first and last thing i think of every day (i don't really know about this one, i suppose it's just witty and true)

-three adjectives i'd use to describe you are: free, adventurous, youthful. do you know what those words start with? f,a, and y. fay.

those are just a few of the many reasons. the number one reason would be that it just suits you. any argument you try to put forth is invalid.

i haven't written to you in about a week, and my job has been going good. i have been washing my hair in the bathroom sink and applying deodorant so i won't smell. i haven't had a real shower since the day my mum kicked me out, but that's okay, because i'm keeping up with my hygiene. my boss doesn't know i'm homeless. i don't really care about finding a home because i don't want to spend all my money renting an apartment when i could be spending it on finding you.

i've sunken into a state of apathy and carelessness, fay. what am i supposed to do now?

when people are around, i smile and act joyful, but inside, i'm just aching for you. i've been getting worried a lot recently, too. what if something happened to you? what if you got kidnapped? or hit by a car? fay, i hope you're alright.

at the end of this month (november) i'll have been paid several more times, and i'll have about 1,200 dollars. on the last day of november, i'm going to open that letter addressed to you. i'm going to go after you.

oh, i almost forgot to write...today i made my first chocolate marshmallow milkshake since i've worked here. a sweet little girl with brown pigtails and a missing front tooth ordered it. i told her it was the best item on the menu, and she left the shop grinning.

i wonder....did you come here as a kid? i know you told me you'd lived here your whole life...did you come here with your parents and order a chocolate marshmallow milkshake just like that little girl did?

getting back to today.... just after the girl and her family left, that jazz song came on the radio again. the one that played when you told me about amelia. the one that played again and made me cry.

this time, since no one was in the shop, i changed the radio station until the song was over. i'm better off ignoring things like that instead of crying like a baby every time i hear them.

i have to ask, fay. maybe you won't get these letters, but i still have to ask...

if you really were in love with me, do you see or hear things around you that remind you of me?

is it selfish that i hope you do?

do you think of me?

or are you more in love with the world than you'll ever be with me?

-z