letters to fay // z.m.

16

dear fay,

i don't know what to say.

your parents came out from the room about an hour ago, and finally saw me. your mum convinced the nurse to let me see you.

you took my breath away, fay. not because you were deathly pale, or because you were nearly bald, or because you had an IV hooked up to you.

you took my breath away because even with all of these things, you were still the most beautiful person i've ever seen. you are so strong, fay. i'm sorry for ever thinking negatively. i was just angry and didn't know who to blame. the only person to blame is myself.

i'm sitting in front of you as i write this. the heart monitor across the room shows a steady pace. your eyes flutter every once in a while; the nurse told me the meds you're on usually give you weird dreams.

your parents have let me have some time with you while they run down to buy you more art supplies. turns out they have been letting you paint in here.

i can't take my eyes off of you for more than ten seconds; you have no idea how long it's taken me to write this.

your parents told me you aren't getting much better. they told me your cancer is spreading. they told me you are having extreme chemo therapy done in two days. your mum started crying when she said you might not make it.

fay, you are the strongest person i know. even as you lay in the hospital bed in front of me, your strawberry blonde hair now completely gone, i can tell you that you are still so endlessly strong.

i can imagine your dreams right now: you're fighting off dragons in a castle, running with a pack of wolves through the mountains, soaring above the forests, playing with the clouds. i hope your dreams give you hope, fay. i hope they give you enough strength to wake up and see my face again.

i was just thinking, fay, about music. the only things other than you that make me feel truly inspired are art and music.

i just realized how i literally can't listen to a single song on my ipod without thinking of you.

and though i haven't tried to do art since you left, i'll bet i wouldn't be able to do it. you're my inspiration, fay. it used to be art, music. now it's just you.

even though we've fought--and trust me, i remember that fight in your backyard where we screamed at each other because--well, i don't really remember why we began fighting, actually, the point is--you are my inspiration. you always will be. okay, that sounded cheesy. but you never really understand that feeling of inspiration and happiness unless you've been in love. i could try as many ways as possible to tell you these things, but they would sound cheesy or cliché in any type of way.

when you meet someone and they make your heart beat faster and your soul smile brighter, you just can't find a way to put your love for them into words.

that's how i feel about you. and oh my god, fay, i can't wait for you to wake up.

your mum also told me about the day you left. she said you got back from seeing me and you were crying. she said you didn't tell me because you couldn't. you told her you just wanted to leave, it would be "better off". your mum apologized to me but i brushed it off.

what matters most is that i found you. now i'm just waiting for your eyes to open, for me to see their beautiful blue once again.

will you wake up for me?

-z