letters to fay // z.m.

18

dear fay,

the nurse rolled your bed back into the room. she says you will wake up within a half hour.

she just left the room, and watching you sleeping peacefully brings back so many memories...

i remember when we went to that crazy party and we both got a little bit tipsy. i remember us walking to your house--more like stumbling, i suppose. when we got to your house (which was just a few blocks away from the party) your mum told me i could crash on your sofa.

i did, of course. you were too tired to go upstairs, so you slept on the couch parallel to mine.

i remember waking up before you the next morning. the sun was shining through the windows in your living room, lighting up the room. i turned to your couch and saw you were fast asleep. your hands were tucked under your pillow, your mouth open in just the slightest. your makeup was smeared from the night before, and it was mostly gone. your hair was up in a unkempt bun and it was beautiful even in its state of mess.

you woke up a few minutes later, your eyelids flickering, and then--that beautiful blue.

i remember you said, "hey" in a really raspy morning voice. i grinned and sat up. "morning," i mumbled, my own morning voice a messy response.

"i'll be right back," you said, then you went to the bathroom.

you returned with no makeup on. it was the first time i saw you in sweatpants, with no makeup on. you smiled at me, a meaningful smile, and i know it sounds pathetically cheesy, but your smile was and is the most beautiful thing on this planet. i'm fully convinced that the beauty of anything on this earth is nothing compared to your smile. and your whole personality, for that matter. (wow, that sounded so much cheesier than i thought i could ever be. sorry)

that was when i knew, fay. that was when i knew i loved you.

i should've told you right then and there. but unfortunately i was stunned, and nervous, and insecure. and you were--well, you were you.

"what?" you asked expectantly, making me realize i'd been staring.

"nothing, nothing. just thinking about last night," i muttered nervously, wishing i could turn into one of those characters in a romance novel, the character that straight-up told a girl he loved her.

"did i do something stupid? please please tell me i didn't kiss anyone. i don't remember anything, except walking home with you."

"well, you did buy everyone at the club drinks," i joked with a smug grin.

"what?!" you exclaimed. the colour completely drained from your face, it was so cute.

"i'm just messing with you," i said, and you let out a breath, then punched me in the arm (pretty hard, actually, i got a bruise for a couple of days).

as i look at you now, i can just tell you have the same beautiful smile. i can bet that you smile that smile every day, to the other patients, the nurses, your parents. and everyone is amazed at your positivity, and it probably makes their day.

you have that kind of effect on people, fay. whether you know it or not.

as i'm writing this, i'm trying to decide if i should give you these letters or just throw them away.

i guess i better finish this, then, before you wake up. i'm still unsure.

when you wake up, i just wanna see that smile.

-z