letters to fay // z.m.

08

dear fay,

when i was a child, my mum would take me to the park. this was in england, of course, and it was over ten years ago, so things were a little different back then.

i remember going to the park one day and seeing a teenage girl in a wheelchair. she had beautiful black hair and olive skin, and she wore a black long sleeved shirt and maroon pants. i walked over to her and asked, "can i try?"

it's funny, isn't it? i was little, i didn't know any better. her parents were standing nearby in the middle of a heated conversation, but they stopped when i spoke.

"what do you mean?" the girl asked. i was young, fay. i didn't understand that the girl couldn't walk.

"can i try driving in your wheelchair? it looks fun!" i said with my mischievous little grin. by now, her parents were completely offended. my mum was starting to run over from her place all the way across the park.

the girl, on the other hand, she smiled. "yeah...just a minute." she turned to her parents and asked, "mummy? could you hold me while this little boy drives in my wheelchair?"

her mother looked displeased, and i didn't understand why. i also didn't understand why the teenage girl needed to be held. i watched as the girl's mother lifted her up. it was then that i noticed how skinny the girl's legs were.

"why are your legs so skinny?" i asked her as i climbed into her wheelchair.

her mum opened her mouth, like she wanted to reply, but instead, the girl spoke.

"i'm very ill," was all she said.

i'd placed my hands on the wheels and began to push them forward; as the wheelchair started to move, i glanced up at her. "why are you ill?" i asked.

"sometimes things just happen," she said with a sad smile. i recognize that smile now, it was the same one you wore the last time i saw you.

i remember frowning as i wheeled around in the chair a few feet. within a minute, i lost control of the wheels and ran it into a park bench.

there was a burst of laughter from behind me, and i climbed out of the chair to see the girl in her mum's arms, laughing a gut-clenching laugh.

i began to giggle a little bit too as i stood behind the chair and rolled it back to her.

as the girl's mum put her back in the chair, i noticed my mum arrive at the scene.

"wait here," i told the girl with fierce determination.

then i sprinted across the path to a flower garden. i plucked a big patch of lillies and then ran back over to the girl.

breathless, i handed her the flowers and said, "here. i'll bet you'll get better if you smell the flowers!"

and then the girl began to cry. immediately i froze. "w-why are you crying?" i asked sadly.

"they are happy tears, sweetie. you're the sweetest little boy i have ever met," the girl said, her green eyes shining through the tears. by now, her parents were silently crying, too.

i didn't know what to say, so i just stood there shyly blushing.

"would you like to be my friend?" the girl asked me then.

"yes!" i answered, beaming.

"i'm lilly, like the flower," the girl said softly.

"i'm zayn...i don't think there are any flowers i'm named after." the girl laughed at that, though at the time i didn't understand why.

from that day on, we were friends. her parents gave my mum her address and i went over to her house all the time. we sang karaoke, played video games, drew pictures, and watched tv together. she was my first real friend. it didn't matter that she was ten years older than me. she was still the coolest person i knew.

when i turned sixteen and we moved here, to america, i still kept in touch with her.

she is currently living in london, she is twenty eight years old. she's still in a wheelchair, she's still ill, but she's happy, and that's all that matters.

i hope you are happy, fay. maybe you're in london right now. maybe you'll run into lilly on a street corner somewhere. i don't know.

there are a lot of things that i don't know. do you know how many homeless people live in the parks here in los angeles? maybe i'm just ignorant for not knowing.

i hope you're not homeless right now, fay. i hope you're okay.

-z