letters to fay // z.m.

20

20

dear zayn,

hi, babe. it's fay.

after talking to me for two hours straight, i finally convinced you to go to sleep. just after you fell asleep i noticed some papers poking out of your bag.

i just finished reading all of them. i laughed, i cried, and i just wanna say that those letters weren't stupid. you had a right to be mad, to feel depressed, to feel alone. the letters were sweet, kind, funny, romantic, amazing. anything but stupid.

i'm sorry for leaving you without an explanation, for leaving you to write letters questioning my whereabouts and where my heart is.

please don't hate yourself for questioning me.

to answer your questions, no, i didn't leave to go on an adventure. if that had been my reason to leave, i would've taken you with me, or at least told you where i was going. (but i guess you can see that now).

i loved when you mentioned songs in your letters. they let me listen to music here, and when i have had painting time in these last couple months, i have put in my headphones and listened to a playlist of songs that remind me of you. i discovered a song called 'photograph' by a british artist, ed sheeran (british, like you!). the song reminded me of all our memories, and though i didn't have a photograph to look at, i had sketches and doodles of you.

i have never been able to get you out of my head. yes, zayn, everything reminded me of you. and now you are here, a living, breathing human being, asleep with your mouth slightly open, your hair a tousled mess, on a hospital chair by my bedside.

the last time i saw you, i memorized your tattoos, all of them, as best i could..at least the ones on your arms, anyway...do you have any more? i memorized your chocolate brown eyes, and how they glowed golden in the sunlight. i memorized your dark hair which somehow looked different every time i saw you. i memorized your jawline, the muscles of your arms, the lines that shaped your lips, your nose, your eyebrows. and from that last day on, i've used that memorization as a key when drawing you. if you look under my hospital bed there are four canvases that feature you as the object of interest. there are two sketchbooks completely full of sketches (of you).

i understand why you questioned me, and so i am telling you all this as answers. you need them.

i have been just as lonely as you described yourself to be. i think my loneliness may have even been worse, but you probably think yours was worse and i guess loneliness in general in the worst feeling a person can have when separated from the one they love most.

in your seventh letter, you asked what i was doing on october nineteenth at 11 am. i was painting a portrait of you. (10 to 12 am, every other day of the week, is my time for painting).

also, i've been thinking about my sister amelia a lot lately. my parents were heartbroken when they discovered i have the same disease she died of. i'm trying my best not to leave them childless with two children who passed away from cancer.

and i cried so hard reading that letter, zayn. my parents actually brought me a chocolate marshmallow milk shake from that exact place about a week after i arrived here.

oh, zayn, what you said about my eyes... i want you to read that to me over and over, i want you to hold my hand and repeat those words that are so utterly sweet and romantic. i wish i could write, or at least say things like that. you think you are untalented and lame but honestly you are the total opposite.

zayn, i love you so much.

and for your information, zayn malik, my favorite song is 'hero' by enrique iglesias. i cry every time i listen to it because i always think of you.

and i prefer strawberries over cherries.

and maybe the 'ending' you talked about us having wasn't an ending at all. the more i think about it, the more i look at you, i realize, maybe that was just a chapter where everything went wrong.

there's no way we're done yet, zayn, whether you like it or not, because i could never love anyone or anything more than i love you.

your list of reasons that you love my name still hasn't convinced me that my name is all that great, but it did succeed in warming my heart and

making me laugh (and cry).

your letters are definitely not a burden to me, rather a keepsake, actually. i want to hold onto these letters forever. and don't you dare say your words aren't special, because if they weren't special, i wouldn't have laughed, cried, or felt anything at all whilst reading them.

i cried my hardest when you said that even though i'm pale and bald and insanely thin, you still think i'm the most beautiful sight you've ever seen.

you know how i told you my dreams were to travel across the world and adventure? well i realized a few months ago that i wouldn't be able to do any of that without you by my side. without you in them, my dreams are meaningless.

now i suppose i should say what i've been avoiding since i put this pen to the paper.

there is a strong chance that i will die. sooner rather than later. and i know that if i do, it will hurt you. it will hurt everyone around me, and it's scary to have that burden buried in my chest along with the cancer.

but read this and please take it to heart. if i do die soon, i want you to move on. maybe not right away, it might take a few months, maybe even a year or two, but please. you remember how we were together, from these letters i know you remember. please think of that good old me (still the same person, by the way, just in a hospital now) and know that i'd want you to move on. please don't die just to be with me.

because whether you like it or not, living without me is better than not living at all.

i love you so much zayn. endlessly, infinitely, unendingly, always. (i basically just listed a bunch of synonyms but you get the point- the meaning is that i'll love you forever.)

i know that if i die now you will still love me, even if you meet a girl in ten years who ends up your wife and soul mate. i know i'll always have a place in your heart, and that is enough for me. i just want you to be happy.

and you know, i could end up living longer than you! we could end up spending our whole lives together until one of us dies of old age...oh, i hope and pray that we can have that chance.

please just remember to never give up, and that i love you, and i think now that you've arrived i'm feeling a little more confident about kicking cancer's butt.

with the most sincere and endless love,

fay

p.s. i love you

p.s.s. even if i was eighty years old i'd still beat you at a burger eating challenge