The Cupcake Theory

24) DOTTI

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24) DOTTI

"Dotti, what an unexpected surprise, " a very unwanted surprise is what I'd rather say but I keep my mouth shut.

I thought surprises were supposed to be good. Like a basket of kittens, an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii even finding out that I inherited a goat farm would be better than this. I lean against the kitchen bench picking at my choc-chip muffin.

"Surprise? This was planned over a month ago," when I go to stare down my mum, I find that she has already run off. Wise choice. "My parents have gone to Mulan for a business trip so I get stuck here in this wasteland, even though I'm like a totally mature adult and can take care of myself," she can barely take care of a pot plant let alone herself.

Ladies and gentlemen let me introduce you to my lovely cousin Dorothy aka Dotti aka the reason why I hate family reunions and people wearing the colour orange. Since she could spell the phrase 'Fake tan' (which was sadly at 12) she has been using a shade I like to call 'sunburnt umpa lumpa'. I'm fairly sure she wears so much perfume to cover up the canned tan smell. Everything about her is fake.

She has dyed her hair so many times I've forgotten what her natural colour is. It could be green for all I know. Today her hair is the same colour as Garfield which pretty much means she looks like a walking carrot.

"Dotti I think you man Milan, not Mulan. Mulan is a Disney movie with singing, the Huns and a dragon named Mushu. And if I do remember correct, last time you were left alone you almost flooded the house because you forgot to turn off the bath tap before you left the house which is questionable itself. Why were you making yourself a bath before you went out to the shops?" everything she does is questionable

She stops filing her nails and looks up at me through her thick fake eyelashes "I was trying to make the house smell nice. Duh. That's why I put heaps of bath bombs in it?" she rolls her eyes like I just asked the stupidest question in the world.

How am I related to her again?

My best friend decides this is the best time to barge into the kitchen "Hey so I just want to point out the duck statue on the shelf was already cracked so when I-" looking up, he freezes "Dotti!"

Did I mention Charlie is afraid of Dotti? He once hid in my wardrobe for over two hours because she barged into my room and decided she wanted to tell me everything about the Kardashians. It was a dreadful two hours for both Charlie and me.

A wicked smile grows across her face. Her target is locked in. Her hips sway back and forth as she approaches my best friend who is too mortified and scared to move. She looks like a model who thinks it's cool to imitate a goose walking. Okay, let's just say it's in between a waddle and a strut. I don't blame him for wanting to run away. She could pounce on him at any moment.

She stops barely a foot away and flutters her eyelashes continuously. Is she blowing him away with her eyelashes? Literally.

"Charles" she purrs. "It's been too long." she strokes his arm trying to be seductive

I watch as the petrified Charlie tries to back away. Sadly for him, Dotti has decided that they are now attached to each other like Velcro. So whenever he takes a step backwards she takes two forward.

This is very entertaining to watch from my point of view.

"I've started exotic belly dancing," Dotti leans forward, eliminating any space between them "you should come to one of the classes. They say that Belly dancing is one of the most intimate dances ever known to mankind."