Horror 100 Volume 2

Mail Order Bride

I wrote the draft, to be drawn on my New York bank account. I placed it into an envelope along with the order form I had so carefully completed, and moistened the seal. I squeezed the paper tightly until the glue was dry and fastened my postage to the face.

The envelope next went into the basket to await the postman, and I pulled from my pocket the carefully penned copy I had made of the advertisement.

"Lonely? Seeking Companionship?" the offer read. "Let Dr. Flahaven change your life!"

I was amazed that the answer to all of my prayers could be so near at hand.

"Guaranteed Compatibility."

I had tried everything else within my means to engage myself to a woman of quality. A woman who would willingly endeavor to see to my happiness.

"Complete the form below and return with payment."

I had nothing to lose, and so much to gain.

"Satisfaction Guaranteed. If you are not completely satisfied within thirty days of purchase, your monies shall be returned."

That last line was my failsafe. So many of my plans had failed before with the most tragic or costly of results. If Dr. Flahaven had the least bit of integrity and credibility, my highest hopes would be realized.

"Please complete the questionnaire below. This will provide us the insight required to ensure your complete satisfaction."

I read my answers aloud, as there was no one in the house to hear me.

"Eye color. Blue. Hair color. Yellow. Height. Sixty-four inches. Build. Slender."

And so on.

"Please allow several weeks for delivery. Some assembly may be required."

Surely that had been an error on the part of the typesetter? I could not fathom what sort of assembly might be warranted. Whatever the need be, I resolved, I was the man to provide for it.

The first days of waiting passed by in a flourish. I passed my time by preparing the house for my bride-to-be. New bedclothes, curtains and carpets adorned what was to be her bed chamber. Every inch of the home was scrubbed to a shine the likes of which the house had never seen.

Flower filled vases sat upon every horizontal surface in every room and the curtains in every window were tied back so as to let in the light of day. I purchased a phonograph and tinny music poured forth to fill the sitting room with sound.

I made any number of small repairs and improvements about the house, and took special care in the rear garden, to provide for my love-to-be a place of quaint solitude and beauty.

A fortnight after I had sent my application, a small package arrived by courier, the return address reading "Dr. Flahaven, East Orange, Vermont."

I snatched the parcel from the courier's hand, and forgetting to express my gratuity, slammed the door and scurried, anxious as a child on Christmas morning, into the parlor to examine my prize.

The package was stenciled in thick black letters with the words, "Store in a cool, dry place." I pondered the meaning of the words for only a moment and then began in earnest to peel away the outer layers of paper and glue. The small box within was made of a sturdy corrugated paper, and folded in such a way as to allow me to unfold a flap and pull back the cover.

I slowly opened the carton and could not believe what I looked upon. Staring back at me from within the confines of the paper box was a pair of eyes of the deepest and loveliest light blue I had ever seen. They rested upon loose, moist cotton, long tendrils of nerve and muscle expertly coiled beneath each one.