As long as it lasts (english)

20. Buckwheat flower.

Jungkook

-But what does Buckwheat flower mean?
-Loves.

They had always said that I looked more like you than Tae, but that is not true.

You live without fear, the wind blows your hats and your nose freezes, you live knowing that you are going to die and yet you risk.

And you win.

You always carried crazy, free, in your minds and you stayed until later talking about things you would not say to anyone except your soul mate. You were pink, yellow, white. Tae was blue, green, purple.

I just have a gray tone that nobody wants.

I live with my cousin, scared, hidden. And I know that I envy you and not the other way round because you always look at you or do it forward.

And I look at the floor.

                                             "In a plastic cup, pressed in Jungkook's hand, on 09/20/17.

Past

7/27/17

Jimin brought me to a wheat field, it's windy and we're surrounded by trees. When I got on the bus and fell asleep I had not realized that I was going to bring it to a place like this.

-Where we are? I ask the air, it does not answer me and it continues walking among the flowers.

There are thousands of white flowers that I do not recognize around us, I try to walk among them without treading many and I follow my friend.

I wanted to come with me to this place urgently since this morning, without Tae, just the two of us. I had thought she was a killer, but then I remembered it was Jimin and I was crazy. We follow a path up behind the hill, where there is a big tree and a bench next to this, old and broken.

This is the last stop and I do not know how long it will take for the next bus to come here.

"Jimin," I say, but he listens deafly, until we're not on the lawn and he's sitting there, he's not looking at me, are you okay?

My best friend was not in the best moment of his life, as he was pale and with huge circles under his eyes.

I look back at the white flowers and I sit beside him, behind the bench. On the tree there is a wheel, but I do not think it is safe.

Jimin takes weeks weird and it really does not seem right, that and the fact that he does not speak almost anything anymore and has thinned out. I'm very worried about his health, and right now it does not look healthy. He closes his eyes to the wind and smiles, not like him. There are purple gaps beneath his eyes and his cheeks now have no shape, his jaw is much more noticeable and his hair is careless.

I wait for him to speak or move and look at him, I feel that if I touch him he will break. He stands up to the flowers and picks up a few, when he comes back he seems the same as always. Smile and give it to me.

I catch them surprised.

"They are buckwheat flowers," he says and sits back. "I want you to look for their meaning, and when you find it, tell me."

I seat not very convinced and I keep them in the small pocket of my shirt.

-Thank you.

Jimin, are you okay?

9/21/17

I wake up sweaty and almost unable to breathe, my cousin grabs my face and makes me look at him. I swallow, feeling my throat ache and his warm hand brings me back to reality.