Trauma

Part 4 "Emotions"

# Sia - Breathe me

It was a day like any other.

I was translating another travel guide that I had been working on for months when my phone rang. There were only a few people that knew my number so I wasn't really surprised when I checked the screen.

"Hey, mom."

"Lizzie. How have you been?" Came mom's concerned voice.

"I'm fine," I said, rolling my eyes. It was our routine. She would ask how I've been, I would say fine. She would ask whether I have been eating right, and I would lie. 

"Have you been going outside? It's bad to stay in your house all day. Go outside and breathe some fresh air, soak up the sun.." Mom said.

I just nodded even though I knew that she couldn't see me. In the end, I would always be inside my house. In my safe zone.

"You can't stay in your house forever, Lizzie." Mom sighed. "It has been 5 years...I know it has been traumatic for you but with all the sessions with Dr.Grayson, I thought you were getting better. You need to keep on living your life."

I sucked in a breath. I hated talking about this. It was bad enough that my past randomly popped up in my brain, giving me shivers.  I didn't need constant reminders of why I was so fucked up.

"Stop. I am living my life." I said, my voice coming out in a whisper. I wiped off a tear with my hand. I couldn't cry now. Wait after the call Lizzie...

"You are not living, Lizzie. It hurts me to see you like this. I don't know what else I could do to help you." Mom's voice cracked with emotions.

"You have done your best. It just wasn't enough for me." I said in a small voice.

"I'll try mom. Believe me. I'm trying every single day." I added quickly, wanting to end this conversation. 

Mom sighed once again. "I know you are, Lizzie. I know. It's just that...I want you to be free. I must have interrupted you working. I'll..I'll call you later sweetheart. Love you."

"Love you too, Mom." I said, hanging up with tears in my eyes.

The 'incident' not only affected me but all my close ones. I wasn't the only one suffering from the endless torture. And I was reminded of it every single time I met them.

Now I just think maybe things would be much easier if I was gone.