Temptation

-14-

           

It was entirely too easy to get sucked into the abyss that was my phone. My eyes were beginning to glaze over from how much time I'd spent stalking Sophie's social media profiles, but I still didn't turn the screen off.

            Everything about her hurt. She had deleted all of our photos together, which she'd spent so long picking out, and replaced them with her and the new boy. I refused to use his name, refused to picture him another person in my mind. He was merely an object of desire, which had caused Sophie's attention to stray off of me. I didn't bother to check my own pages, knowing that the likes would explode and the comments would be swarmed with girls telling me that I was gorgeous.           The routine of posting photos no longer pleased me – Compliments no longer mattered if they weren't coming from Sophie.

            I spent the night like that, laying with my phone suspended right over my face, paying attention to all of the small details that had changed – She posted pictures of herself on the beach during the day, with her toes painted blue, tagging her new loverboy as photography credits. My breath caught in my through at that – Not only was she an entirely different person with him, but it was cold out. It was winter. Just how long had this affair been going on behind my back, with me completely oblivious to it? Thinking about it for too long made my head ache.

            For once, Andy didn't disturb the process of my heartbreak. I think that seeing me break down at the mall let him know that this was real – That it couldn't be healed as easily as doing a few funny things. I'd had to learn that the hard way myself. I'd been fooled for a moment, but it was time to face reality. The boys were careful and cautious around me, and Blair was happy as long as I did what was expected of me, even if I was merely slogging through it.

            Sometime in the early hours of the morning, when I was sure that the others were asleep, I rolled out of bed to take a piss. When I finished, Andy was sitting on my bunk, waiting for me.

            "What do you want?" I whispered. I hadn't forgotten about my mixed feelings for him, but, in the past three days, I'd had plenty of time to think about it, and I'd decided to put them off as stupid and ridiculous and not ponder on them again.

            "Nothing," He replied, flicking a piece of his hair back into place.

            "You're sitting on my bed," I pointed out, still standing, waiting for him to move.

            "Yeah. I just wanted to lay with you." I let out a sigh, but still settled down beside him. I couldn't see the details of his features in the dark of the night, but I could feel his pressed against me. I closed my eyes and imagined that it was Sophie in his place – Her long hair stretched out in tendrils across the pillowcase, her small hands pressed against my chest, the unique rhythm of her breathing – She'd always been fast to fall asleep.

            But Andy wasn't Sophie. He was smaller than her, for one, but he was still holding me, despite his preference of curling into the small spoon. His touch was less confident and assured, and more careful and loving. Sophie had always moved about my body like she owned it, but Andy held me in a different way, one that communicated not just passion, but words and emotion. His grasp told me that he loved me, not that he was desperate to strip my clothes off.

            As we lay there like that, I became aware of my thoughts shifting off of Sophie and onto him. We'd always been close, but I felt as if certain walls had been broken down now that Sophie was gone. I questioned whether my sexuality was what I thought it to be, or if it was natural to feel these things once they were already so mixed up. I only felt this way when he was so close to me, but this time, I didn't push him away. I needed the comfort, even if it brought this persistent ache along with it.

            His hold didn't break, even as sleep came. I still felt myself unable to rest, so I shifted, turning to face him. His belly moved up and down slightly as he took calm, steady breaths. His eyelids twitched slightly and I wondered what he was dreaming of. I wondered if it was of me. I wondered if he was gay.

            The darkness either made things less or more scary, but this time, it acted as a protective veil. Nobody could see what I was thinking of, or could read the words on my face. I could imagine, that if my emotions weren't masked, that they would all know just how much I wanted to kiss Andy right now.

            I knew that it was crazy and irrational, how quickly my feelings had changed, just like his mood swings the other day. Maybe I was just desperate for something good. Maybe I didn't feel the need to hide it now that nobody could see. I wanted to know how it would feel, to kiss him. We had before, but that was fun and games. I wanted to know if what I felt was real. I leaned the quarter of an inch to his lips until they were touching mine.

            Kissing him felt good. It felt more than good. And I was so caught up in in that it took me a moment to realize that he was moving along with me. This his lips had moved to meet mine.

            Andy was awake.