Temptation

-28-

            The lights were off, the hour was late, and the others had finally knocked out, but I was wide awake and unable to quiet my thoughts. Dare #17 had been entirely uneventful, much to the boys' disappointment. I had to text a random number and ask them if I could speak to Bob, because he left his underwear at my house. It would've been funny – That is, if I ever got a reply, which I didn't.

I wasn't sure how I felt about having so many people in on the dares – One of the best parts of them was that it was something that I shared with Andy. I spent nearly all day, every day with the lot of them, and it was nice to spend some time alone with my boyfriend, although it still felt weird to think of him as that.

Ever since I was little, in a way, my life was sort of planned out for me. In fact, society determined my sexuality from the moment that my gender was determined: It was expected that I would be straight, and attracted to girls. But, somehow, something had gone wrong, and pushed it off kilter. I knew that I was luckier than most, but it was difficult to hide the fact that boys could also set my heart racing and make appearances in my wet dreams. I was ashamed of that part of me – It was drilled into my head, time and again, that to love somebody the same gender as you was wrong. By the time that I turned 13, I'd made enough mistakes to know that I should only flirt with girls, and, for the past seven years, I thought that I'd done a pretty good job of staying on the straight and narrow.

But there was just something about Andy that made me happy enough to kick all of my hard work to the side and shove my tongue down his throat instead. He gave me something that girls couldn't – The feeling of his broad shoulders and the shape of his abs, the way that he sent the world spinning with his junk up against mine, with only the fabric of our pants in between. Even now, I had to restrain myself from climbing into his bed instead of staying in my own. I loved being close to him, and we hadn't gotten any alone time today. Maybe this would be the biggest mistake that I had ever made, but, with the guy of my dreams just within reach, who wanted me exactly like I wanted him, I knew that there would be no saving me now.

I also knew that we couldn't keep it a secret forever. Andy wasn't as afraid as I was – He wanted to kiss me in the middle of the street, and to bring me home to his mother. And, fuck, did I want that too. I wanted it so badly that it made my teeth hurt. My stomach began to ache, and I knew that laying here, thoughts swirling around like a hurricane, wasn't bringing me any closer to sleep.

As discreetly as I could, I slipped out of bed and headed to the kitchen to make myself a tea. Halfway through the brew, Mikey walked in, rubbing his eyes free of sleep.

"Did I wake you up? I'm sorry," I whispered.

"No." He shook his head. "Bad dream, is all. And when I saw that your bed was empty...Well, I wanted to talk to you."

"Oh. Isn't it a bit early for that?" I asked, already trying to worm my way out of it.

"We can go outside. Here, I'll get our coats and you can put your tea in a thermos or something." I did as he said, pouring one for him, as well. As much as I balked at the thought, it was probably going to have to happen at one point or another, and now, when the others were asleep and the park would be empty, was a better time than most. At the very least, I could anything stupid that I said on sleep-deprivation.

I shrugged into my jacket as I followed Mikey down the stairs, stepping as carefully as I could to avoid making a racket. We were silent all the way to the front steps, where we sat and I handed him his tea and waited for him to being speaking. He took his time choosing what he wanted to say, and I concentrated my energy on the cup in my hands instead of guessing what it would be. I was grateful for its warmth – I was already starting to shiver a little from the sharp bite of the chilly night air.

"I just feel bad," Mikey began, gaze focused on the ground. Out of all of the things that I would've guessed he'd come out with, that wasn't one of them.

"What? Why?" I asked, thoroughly confused by the statement. He finally looked up at me, blue eyes focused on mine.

"Because I wasn't the one to try and help you after the breakup. I guess I was too distracted with my own stuff to notice that you were really upset, but that isn't a good excuse. It was a really shitty thing for me to do-"

"Mikey," I stopped him. "It's fine, really."

"No, it isn't. I've known you for ages, and I should've-"

"If I really needed you to do something, I would've asked you to. I kind of wanted to mope, if I'm being honest. But I got over it. It's fine." Maybe that wasn't entirely true, but it wasn't as if I could tell Mikey that I was happy that he hadn't been the one to present the dares to me.

"I guess that I just always want to be there for you. You know?"

"You put too much pressure on yourself. You can't be there for everyone, all of the time. It's okay to put yourself first." I enjoyed the time with Andy.

"You're my best friend in the whole world, you know that?" He asked, just like the big softie that he really was.

"And you're mine." And that opened the floodgates. We spent the next hour talking about anything and everything except for what was weighing itself down on my chest. As the cold air grew near unbearable, I knew that I had to say it now, or wait for another opportunity. If there was ever a time to come out to him, it was now, with the comfortable feeling floating in and around us, but, when I opened my mouth, I found that I just couldn't do it. What came out instead was, "Now can we head back inside? My butt is freezing."

I told myself that it was alright. That, hypothetically, I could open up to him any time. But, I knew that that wasn't quite the truth. The thought of flat-out saying, "I'm gay" made me want to bury myself into a trench and never come back out. I wasn't sure if I would ever be ready.

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Hellooo, my dear readers ♥ I hope you guys are enjoying the more frequent updates. (Think of it as a little holiday gift?) I've been trying to incorporate the other boys into it a bit more. (But don't worry, there's still plenty of cute Randy moments coming up.) Sorry for a bit of a pooey chapter here. Ily all so, so much