Temptation

-45-

           

I didn't want to be here, or anywhere, for that matter, but at least the cup of alcohol that I was clutching made the scene a little more bearable. I had been at home, mindlessly playing video games with Robbie when Mikey had arrived. Without much of an explanation, he said "We're going out," and then successfully dodged any and all of my complaints and excuses as to why I couldn't.

            He'd rested his hands on my shoulders, looking me straight in the eyes and saying "Andy's been spamming my phone because you won't pick up yours. Listen, I don't know what happened, but I do know that sitting around and moping about it isn't going to do you any good. So, you're going to this party with me, whether you like it or not."

            I was firmly in the 'or not' category, but still, here I was, surrounded by people I vaguely knew and had no desire to speak to, downing whatever there was to drink in prayers that it would make the night go along a little easier – And, hopefully, once it kicked in, it would provide a little solace from my ever-turning thoughts – And constantly being supervised by Mikey, who kept looking over to make sure I was alright and occasionally pushing me to socialize with people. My brain was finally starting to feel that satisfactory buzz when somebody bumped into me, and the contents of my cup sloshed over the side and onto the floor and my jeans.

            "Shit," I grumbled, more upset by the loss of my drink than the mess that had been made.

            "I'm sorry." The familiarity of the voice made my head waver, almost as if I was about to pass out, and I spun around to find myself face-to-face with her – The girl who preferred baths over showers and always filled the tub to the brim, who owned a pajama shirt with a pineapple on it that she wore almost every day in the summer, who stress-baked but refused to lick the spoon for the fear of salmonella, who smelled like cinnamon, who was grabbing my hand and leading my away from the crowd, who I let do that as I was struggling to wrap my head around what, exactly, was happening...

            By the time I figured it out, we were in a dark room and her arms were wrapped around me, her lips hot and heavy against my own, the taste of alcohol on the tip of her tongue and her hands working my body like it was a home that she had grown up in and left temporarily, but still knew as well as the back of her hand. Tears slipped down my cheeks as she began to unbutton my pants, because I could remember when I would've given anything to share this with her again. I could recall when it felt like an experience that only we would ever share, and it hurt, because, even more clearly than that, I could remember the adoration on Andy's face in the backseat of the car, and how he pleased not only my body but my mind, with his hand all tangled in my hair while he mouthed words of how much he loved me onto my skin. Sensing that something was wrong, that I wasn't moving along with her, Sophie looked up.

            "There's no need to be upset," She said, resting her palm on my face. "I'm here now." I couldn't help but laugh at the ludicrousy of the situation – Or maybe that was just due to how drunk I was. I watched the confusion cross over her face as I backed away, fumbling around with my zipper to pull it back up.

            "Ryan, what are you doing? I know what you want." And a month ago, she would've been right. But when my heart was aching for her, when I felt like I couldn't go on without her, she wasn't there. She didn't want me until I had already moved on, but I wasn't like her. I didn't fancy playing around with more than one person at a time, even if things weren't perfect between me and Andy right now.

            There had been a time when I knew – Or, at least, thought that I knew – Sophie better than anyone else in the world. She told me how difficult her parent's divorce was for her, and the rocky relationship that she had with her brother. I let her into my family, so I could show her what love was. Everything that was mine, was hers – My family and friends, my possessions, and, most importantly, my heart. She was the sun, and I was a planet that orbited around her and everything she did.

            When she left, a light went out within me. Stumbling around in the dark, I thought that I would never find my way again – But I had. Without Sophie blinding my sense, I was free to learn who I was again. Free to sing to a crowd in a waffle house past midnight, to talk to a chair in the mall and make out with a wall. I was free to be me, and to love who I wanted to love. Even with my mind half-wasted, it was becoming clear to me now. I'd spent the past few days hyper fixated on how Andy had deceived me, but it had never really been his fault.

It was Sophie who had cheated on me, Sophie who decided to keep it going long after she had already moved on, and Sophie who lied when she said that she loved me. I could tell by looking at her now that she still didn't regret it, no matter what she might say. No, Sophie didn't give a fuck, but Andy hadn't given up. It was Andy who held me when I was upset, who coaxed me out of my shell, who was always patient with me, who taught me that it was okay to be myself, and who showed me how to love again.

I began to back out of the room as it hit me – I knew, now, what it was that I had to do.