50 Thoughts That Scare Me [Frerard]

'I Don't Want You To Leave.' -Chapter 6

I woke up to the sound of my alarm. I groaned and rolled over, 6:00AM comes way too soon. I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand and stood up. I yawned as I made my way to my closet, pulling out some jeans and a black and white striped shirt. 

I turned the hot water on, ready to go to hell. I mean school. Obviously, I meant school. I stepped in the water without testing, call me Satan. I let the hot water hit my back as I soaked my hair and ran shampoo through it. I rinsed it out and then gently began to wash my body, dodging all the some-what mysterious bruises I had. 

I got dressed, took my pills, ate some toast with Peanut butter, got my school stuff, and headed out the door. I flipped the hood part of my jacket up, keeping my gaze mainly on the ground. But I couldn't help but notice some of the people passing me. I sighed, I must think the same thing every day. Nothing ever changes, every time I see someone I just think about the wasted time they have. I walked right past the bus stop, making the choice to walk to school today. The school wasn't that far from my house. Just a mere 10-20 minutes maybe. Plus, I could use the exercise. When I start the next round of chemo, I won't have the energy to do any of this anymore. Luckily, I still have the hair that clings to my head for dear life. 

I sighed, here goes nothing. I pulled the doors open to the school and walked in. Everyone in the hallway stopped what they were doing to examine me. I guess it must be interesting that the freak of the town didn't show up to school for about a week or two. I ignored their odd looks and kept walking, making my way to the main office. 

"Ah, Frank, it's so good to see you back. How are you feeling dear?" The secretary asked. Obviously she had to know about my illness, other wise I wouldn't have gotten to not be here for a whole 2 weeks. 

"I'm feeling alright. How about you?" I recited the words like it was my routine. Well, it actually sort of was. I always said 'I'm fine', 'I'm alright' or 'I'm okay.' 

"I've been doing great. Here is your new schedule. Good luck on your first day back." She smiled. As I was leaving the office Gerard was walking in. He smiled and waved at me slightly. I returned the gesture and walked to my locker. 

Everyone kept stealing glances at me, covering their mouths to whisper about me. I noticed, all of them did. It was like I was the most interesting thing they've seen, but yet they all hate me. They despise of me, without knowing me. 

I rolled my eyes at the on going gossip about me and opened my locker. I could hear the whispering words of 'Freak', 'Loser', and other shit about me. I grabbed my books I would need for my first 2 classes and walked down the hallway. As I got close to people they just shunned away, like being a freak or being different was contagious. I payed them no mind though, they weren't worth my precious time. No one was. But yet I still spend my precious time at hospitals, doctor's offices, Cancer center's, even therapy and drug stores. When with that precious time I could be at the park, playing guitar, or doing whatever I want before I get eaten alive by this cruel illness I have. 

"Mr.Iero, it's nice to see you could actually bother to show up to school today." Mrs. Rodgers said with a harsh voice. She was down right a bitch. I'm not one too call people name's to their face, that'd be rude. But anyone here in this school will agree that she is possibly the worst human being on this Earth. 

"You would be out for 2 weeks to if you knew what I know." I stated calmly, not making eye contact. 

"Excuse me? There will be no talking back in my classroom." She slammed the ruler she was holding down on her desk, making everyone except me and her flinch. 

"You are wrong there, I was not talking back. I was simply stating that someone in the form or way I am, would be out for 2 weeks. I have a serious excuse, if your little old heart is dying to know, you should speak with the Principal. If not, I suggest you start teaching." I sat down in the back row of the classroom. Gerard walked in and sat next to me, I guess he's already met Mrs.Rodgers. 

"Mr.Iero, you and I are going to go to the office right now." She said, her face slightly turning a deep pink, creeping into a maroon color. I must of pissed her off with the truth. I nodded my head and followed her down the hallway, she was tightly gripping my arm, practically pulling me down the hallway. 

"Mr.Iero here, is talking back to me." Mrs.Rodgers told the principal. 

"Oh? Frank, what did you say?" The principal, Mr.Roads, held his hands together. 

"She was making a remark to me, 'It's nice to see you could bother to show up for school today' so I simply told her she would be out for 2 weeks too if she were me." I explained the whole story to him. He nodded his head and cut a glare towards Mrs.Rodgers. 

"Lisa, I will inform you, Frank here has been diagnosed with Leukemia cancer, he was off for two weeks for illness and therapy." He spoke sternly. I looked at Mrs.Rodgers, her face softened and she looked at me with pity. 

"Frank, I am so sor--" She began. 

"No. I don't want your pity. Me being out for 2 weeks won't happen again." I said and left the office. I aimlessly walked down the hallways. I don't really have any intention on going back to History class to face Mrs.Rodgers anytime soon. Now that she knows, she'll give me pity. The thing I hate and fear the most. 

I walked outside the school and sat in a dark corner on the ground. I leaned back, resting on the school brick walls. I closed my eyes and smelled the air. I could smell the fresh cut grass and the wood chips from the elementary school's play ground area. "I'm gonna miss this when I leave." I whispered to myself. 

"Where are you going?" Someone, that I recognized as Gerard, asked. He sat down next to me with his lunch bag in hand. 

"Somewhere far away from here, Gerard. I won't be returning. No one will see my face again when I leave." I said calmly. I was surprised that I was calm about the thought of dying, leaving the world, because I feared that hardcore. Dying must be scary as hell. Though, I am sure to go to hell. 

"When are you leaving? You can't leave, I just met you." He looked down at his lap. His eyes held sadness. 

"I don't know when I'm leaving. No one does, really." I was facing him now. Studying the way he eyed his lap. 

"I don't want you to leave Frankie. I barely know you, but you're my best friend." He whispered, finally looking up from his lap. I gave him a small smile. 

"And when I leave, you'll still be my best friend, and I will never forget you." I whispered back. 

"Will you come visit when you're gone?" Of course Gerard thought by leaving I was just moving away. I guess I am moving away, I'm moving to a new level in existence. A level where you can't see, hear, touch, or listen to me. You'll be oblivious to my presence. 

"I'll try." I smiled. A genuine smile. 

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1. I'm scared of the thought that people don't take time to realize what they have

2. I'm scared of the thought of swallowing a simple pill.

3. I'm scared of the thought of someone giving me pity

4. I'm scared of the thought that one day, someone will know exactly what I'm thinking.

5. I'm scared of the thought, that I don't know what to think. 

6.I'm scared of the thought of  people reading my mind off of how I act or look. (Just like Gerard)

7. I'm scared to be alone. 

8. I'm scared of the dizzy and noxious feeling I get. 

9. I'm scared of telling people personal things about myself. 

10. I'm scared of eating in front of people. They'll judge me. 

11. I'm scared of death 

12. I'm scared of Mrs.Rodgers