50 Thoughts That Scare Me [Frerard]

Draw Me Like I'm Not A Zombie- Chapter 10

I woke up on the couch, a slight smile on my face as I recalled all the events from yesterday. I seriously thought my only friend would leave me when they found out about my condition. I thought it'd scare him off, but yet he's still here. I do hate the fact that now he'll be worried about me constantly. I kissed him though, which was different. I haven't really kissed anyone since before the diagnosis. 

I sat up and looked around the living room. Gerard laid on the ground in a pile of blankets, snoring quietly. It's cute to me, really. It sort of felt wrong to think about Gerard like that. It's not that I have a problem with bisexual or gay people or anything, it's just that I feel like I'm getting too close. I'm usually scared of getting close. I don't want to get close, it just leaves people disappointment. When I go, it's like I'll fail them. 

I managed to push the thoughts out of my head as I got up and went into the kitchen, picking up the phone and dialing the familiar number once more. When I heard her happy voice on the answering machine, it hit me. I had just tried to call my deceased mother. For once, I forgot she's gone, I'll never see her again. I felt the urge to cry, but that's not like me. So I just didn't. 

"Good morning, Frankie." Gerard said in his groggy tired voice. It turned me on oddly enough. 

"Morning Gee." I said without thinking. I didn't even notice what I called him until a smile spread out across his face. "What?" I asked. 

"You called me Gee." He chuckled lightly. I felt the heat rise to my cheeks, usually I'm not the soft sort of person, but I guess I am around Gerard. 

"Oops. Sorry." I looked down. 

"Don't be, I like it.....Frankie." He smiled again. I just stared at him, wondering how he could just be so easy going like that. Sometimes I wish I was that easy going. 

"What are you thinking?" He asked, making himself his usual cup of coffee. 

"Nothing..It's nothing." I shook my head and sat at the bar. 

"You know you can tell me anything right?" He looked up from his cup and met my eyes. 

"Yeah, but it's just... Complicated. It's not easy for me to tell people what I'm thinking." I answered, 

"Did you take your pills, Frankie?" He changed the subject, and for that I was thankful. 

I hung my head a little and looked up as he gave me a stern look and pointed towards the bathroom. I got up and made my way into the bathroom with Gerard following closely behind. I got the pills out of the container. I popped them into my mouth and took Gerard's coffee from his hands and took a sip and swallowed the round pills. I took another sip of his coffee just for the hell of it and handed it back. He looked at me like I had just crushed his soul. 

 "You drank my coffee." he pouted. 

"There's still some left in there." I chuckled at him. He sure was addicted to Coffee. I can't blame him, it is pretty good. 

"But what..What if you poisoned it?" I knew he was only joking, but I had the urge to make some sort of smart remark back at him. So I did like any sane person would. But there's a difference between a sane person and me. I'm the opposite of sane. 

"Yeah, I poisoned it with my horrible lips and my cancer." I gave him a slight smile. 

"I didn't mean it like that." He mumbled and looked down. 

"I know. It's just cancer humor." I reassured him. 

"Can we not talk about this?" He pleaded. 

"What? Cancer? Why?" I asked, generally confused as to why talking about cancer upset him. 

He shrugged. "Just don't feel like it." He said simply. I wasn't completely satisfied with his answer, but I didn't want to push my only friend away by pushing him to talk about it. I mean, if we are even friends. I haven't really questioned our friendship yet. I know being friends with people and getting close to them is just dangerous, but I couldn't help it. I was so alone and foolish. Though I would never admit that to someone, no one would understand. No one understands me now, and no one probably will.