50 Thoughts That Scare Me [Frerard]

Forever Away -Chapter 7

I walked in my house after school and threw my backpack on the couch like usual. I knew my mom would want to hear about my first day back, and I couldn't wait to tell her all about it. After all, she is the only person who knows me..Sort of.. I picked up the phone and dialed the number that was forever burned into my brain. Of course I didn't mean that literally. 

"Hey hunny, how was school?" My mom sounded ecstatic to hear about it, she even picked up on the first ring. 

"It was okay I guess. Mrs. Rodgers was making smart remarks about how I 'bothered to show up to school for once' so I told her if she were me she wouldn't come either. We walked down to the principal and she found out about it. The principal was pissed off. Like livid. I didn't go back to her class." I explained my whole day to her. 

"I would have just told her to fuck off." My mom chuckled. I know she wasn't literally implying that I do that. No, that would be terrible. 

"So, how is that Gerard boy?" I smiled when I heard my mom ask. It's weird how I smile when I hear his name now. It's unusual, really. 

"He's good I guess. I'll call you later, I have some practicing to do." I hung up the phone and turned around. I jumped back when I saw Gerard standing there. 

"Holy shit, you scared me. How did you get in here?" I held my chest. Gerard chuckled and pointed to the open front door. Oh, well damn.

"So what was it that Mrs.Rodgers found out that got you so pissed off?" Gerard asked casually, taking a seat on the couch. I walked over and sat next to him after I closed the door. But now I have to answer the ultimate question, the question I'm scared shitless to answer. The answer could ruin any type of friendship, and I'm not ready to wreck the only friendship I have, so of course I'll lie. 

"Nothing important.Just why I was out of school for awhile." I shrugged. Trying to brush the question away. 

"Oh, well why were you out of school?" Gerard looked interested in what I had to say. 

"I can't tell you." I whispered. Gerard's face hardened. 

"Or you just don't want to tell me. You don't trust me do you?" His voice got deeper and slightly louder as he spoke. 

"No, I...It's just complicated okay?" I was beginning to be annoyed. I'm not used to someone always asking me personal questions, besides my therapist, and I never answered her life prodding questions. 

"Whatever, fuck you." He mumbled and then walked out of the house. Wow, even when I lie to save a friend ship it still gets wrecked and goes to complete hell. 

I laid on the couch  and squeezed my eyes shut. I could really use a nap anyways. 

Hours later I woke up to the sound of the phone. I picked it up and sleepily said "Hello?" But I woke right up when I heard the sobbing of my aunt on the phone.

"Aunt Marie, what's wrong? Aunt Marie!" I yelled through the phone. 

"She's gone Frank. She left us." She whispered through her tears. I felt like my body froze. 

"W-what do you mean? Who?" I asked, tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. 

"Frank, your mother got in a car accident. She died on the scene." Her voice was soft and shaky. I dropped the phone and ran out of the house. It was raining but I didn't care. I ran down the road. 

"Mom! You promised! You wouldn't leave me. Why the fuck would you leave me?" I yelled. My legs got too tired and gave out. I collapsed on the side of the road. My hands moved to my face as I started to cry. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I quickly turned around, sniffling. 

"Frank?" Gerard whispered. I didn't answer him. "What happened?" He asked again. I thought for a second, of course it is my choice to tell someone my thoughts. Though I never did that, but who am I going to turn to now? 

"She's gone, Gerard." I whispered. He just stared into my eyes. "My mom died." I whispered again. I saw Gerard frown. He never got to meet her, she never got to meet him. My first friend.  

"I'm so sorry. Let's get you inside. I don't want you getting sick." He whispered back. Oh Gerard, only if you knew that I already am. 

"Who's going to yell at me to take my pills? Who's going to eat vegetarian food with me? Who's going to take me to appointments? Who the hell has the right to take my mom away from me when I need her most?" I started to cry again. 

Gerard and I were now at my house. He rubbed circles in my back while making the calming 'shh' sound. I shoved my face into his neck, letting my tears soak into his shirt. My small arms were wrapped around his skinny waist. 

"I will. I don't know why you need pills, I don't know what the appointments are for but I promise. I will always be here for you." He spoke to me soothingly. My heart started to pick up it's pace, no one has ever said that to me before. 

"I'll live here alone." The realization hit me. I'm here all alone. I was rarely alone. By rarely I mean now. My mom has never left my side. 

"I'll take care of you." Gerard said again. 

"I'll have my aunt Marie take me to my appointments. She doesn't live too far away. She only lives 20 minutes away." I wiped my tear stained face. 

"You sure?" He held me arms length away. 

"I'm sure." I nodded my head. 

I was oddly, slowly opening up to Gerard. Something I have never done with anyone. No one but my mom, doctor's, principal, now Mrs.Rodgers, and Aunt Marie know about my condition. Only my mom knew about my health, some thoughts, behaviours, likings, dislikings, everything like that. It scared me now that she wasn't here. I'm scared of my mom being gone forever. Forever is so far away. I'm scared about how much I'm opening up to Gerard already. 

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1. I'm scared of the thought that people don't take time to realize what they have

2. I'm scared of the thought of swallowing a simple pill.

3. I'm scared of the thought of someone giving me pity

4. I'm scared of the thought that one day, someone will know exactly what I'm thinking.

5. I'm scared of the thought, that I don't know what to think. 

6.I'm scared of the thought of  people reading my mind off of how I act or look. (Just like Gerard)

7. I'm scared to be alone. 

8. I'm scared of the dizzy and noxious feeling I get. 

9. I'm scared of telling people personal things about myself. 

10. I'm scared of eating in front of people. They'll judge me. 

11. I'm scared of death 

12. I'm scared of Mrs.Rodgers

13. I'm scared to tell Gerard about my condition. 

14. I'm scared about my mom not being here

15. I'm scared at how much I'm opening up to Gerard