thantophobia|| adam banks|| sequel

twenty

ella :(

why does it hurt so bad. he was just a boy right? no. no he wasn't just 'some boy'. he was my everything. i love adam with every part of me. broken up or not , he will forever be the one person i love. i see him everyday, and each time my heart breaks a little more. he doesn't speak to me, he just glances my way. his sad, sympathetic look breaks me. but why is he the one that looks upset? i'm the broken one. i'm in pain i've never experienced. i'm hurting so bad i'm not even myself anymore. i blame myself and through all of this pain , i've grown to hate myself. i don't exactly know how or why but i know it's there. it's here haunting me, every move i make this hatred is constantly telling me i'm not good enough. i'm trying so hard but nothing even matters  anymore. i go to sleep, wake up, go to school, homework, hockey, repeat. nothing is the same anymore. after all of this pain and suffering , nothing will ever again just be right. but here i am , two months later , still broken.

mid december was in full bloom in minnesota. the trees were bare and a thick coverage of snow was on the ground. the pond by now was frozen over with a clean sheet of ice. i usually go there to clear my head, skate around for a while or shoot some pucks. today was one of those days. it was around 4 pm when i finish my homework. so i set out for the pond shortly after. it was particularly cold today. not many people were out on the streets. a cold gust of wind made me crave warmth but i refuse to return to the dorms. knowing i'll have to make the effort to talk to someone. but here , i can skate, write, enjoy life. i set my hockey bag and book on the bench just next to the lake. i replace my boots with my skates and start skating. i skate in circles, the cold air hitting my bare face.

"hey el, long time no see." a familiar voice calls from behind me. the voice gave me an excitement that i haven't felt in months.

"hey coach!" i yell excitedly. i skate over to the side of the pond, engulfing him in a hug. for a split second i felt nothing but happiness.

"i've heard what happened. i'm so sorry el." coach whispers in my ear, not pulling away. i sigh.

"thanks coach." i whisper.

"come sit." he says pulling me over to the bench is.

"how have you been?" coach asks. i look up at him. his usual grin and funny look in his eye was gone, replaced with sympathy and sadness.

"i guess i'm okay." i say. thinking about everything that has happened makes me feel even more upset. thinking about adam hurts.
i didn't realize that a few hot tears were now streaming down my face.

"oh ella!" coach whispers pulling me into a hug. "it'll be okay."

"don't say that! no it won't. ill never be the same again." i whisper, now sobbing.

"its adams loss. i'm being serious." he pauses as if he trying to put words together. "ella, since the day i've met you i've known how special you are. you're talented, beautiful, caring, smart, encouraging, and plenty more. i could be here for hours naming all of the amazing traits you have." coach says, his famous grin plastered on his face. i've got to admit, that made me smile.

"i'm not going to sugarcoat it. i know that you love adam , i know. and i know that you will never be the same person. this break up has changed you. i can see the pain in your eyes. it'll take awhile for you to love again, it'll take awhile for you to be okay. as i've said, you'll never be the same. but that does not mean you will never be okay again." coach says. his words came through to me and i understood every single one, he's right.

"take time. don't rush yourself into happiness." he finishes.

"coach?"

"yeah?"

"the day me and adam broke up , i didn't just lose my boyfriend. i lost my best friend."

—i'm depressed