The Thoughts and Poems from the Mind of a 14-Year-Old Girl

ok

I always just want to tell everyone my whole life story.
Get it out.
Maybe it could lift a weight off my chest. Or it could cause rumors and more questions. I want to explain to my friends that I am not proud of the things I used to think. I want to tell them what I've gone through.
But I'm more cautious.
I've found out that telling too much can kill.
It ruins relationships. So I tediously think over every single word.
If I make myself too serious they could be freaked out. If I joke about everything then they wouldn't take me seriously at all.
So I just say nothing.
I don't speak my mind in fear I could blabber on and tell a life story. My dad yells at me for it. I solve my own problems. I write and blabber my thoughts on here. Mostly because there's few that know me.
The worst part is when someone tries to come up to you the next day and say everything about it and that it'll be okay.
Because it won't.
I have to live with my feelings. They are a part of me. I keep my mouth shut around people in person and spill my heart out to people that don't give two flying fucks. It works for me. I hurt inside for awhile. Then I go and write it all out for entertainment. It's a cycle that I've made for myself.
It keeps me from becoming sadder and going back to my old thoughts all the time.
The only thing keeping me from it is if my tablet dies.
I think about how awful my body looks and how my nose is really weird and not cute or fits my face like everyone else I know. I think about how much I could weigh. I haven't weighed myself in two years. It makes me too upset. I used pills to lose weigh that made me feel dizzy and almost faint. It got worse with exercise. But I lost some weight. I didn't feel any better with myself though. I would keep track of my waist and stomach measurements. My mom would be excited over me losing two inches in my waist. But I would just ignore it. I looked no different than I portrayed myself before. I felt like I was going nowhere and still am.
I've ran over in my head how little I could eat. The only thing stopping me is my friends and my mom. They would notice. So I've never tried it.
I try to eat less but it's like my mouth just craves more than I am willing to put in. So it just tells me to eat more. And more. And more. I crave the junkiest foods in my house and eat more of them than anyone else. And I want to stop. But I don't know how. I want to fix it. But I feel alone in everything even though I'm not.
I already know I've rambled on more than I should have. But I don't care.
All I ask is if you see this Lexi, don't talk about it please. I need to figure this out myself. I do a lot by myself and I want it to stay that way. I prefer to stay secluded and sectioned off. Even though I come off more outgoing than I feel. I feel petty of myself but that is something I still need to sort out on my own. So I guess I'm just going to carefully select my wording again if I get asked questions. I don't like questions, but if you ask, I'm ok. :)

Okay?