Me

I did care

I didn’t want to admit it, I think I’m still not ready if it would be to you, but I did care for you. I think a part of me still does. I think a part of me always will. We didn’t date, and I never loved you, but we flirted and sent notes across our desks and you even tried to hold my hand during the lockdown drill at school and maybe that’s what got me, maybe that’s why I cared, and I thought you cared too. And I hated myself because of that. I still hate myself, but it’s not because of that anymore. When I look at you across the room or across the hall it used to be with hatred, but now it’s regret. But even though I regret it, it made me to be the person I am now, so even though I regret you, I don’t regret the times we had that made me care, the times we shared smiling and laughing. I learned something from that, but I also got some negative things from that. I got stronger and I don’t avoid your gaze when you look at me. I want you to look at me and see what you gave me. You gave me trust issues, emotional withdrawal or having it all pour down at me all at once. You gave me the gift of overthinking. I used to not do this but I questioned everything I knew because of you so I overthink a lot now, on silly things, like if I should get up to hand in my test paper since no one else is done yet. I used to just stand up, look the teacher in the eye and give then the test before sitting back down. For the longest time you took my confidence away because I thought everyone I would get to know would end up like you, everything I did would go to shambles. And I lost my hope because of you. I’m never getting that back. My point is even though you took so much from me, I don’t hate you, and even though I regret you, it’s not because of our times together, I can’t regret those, I regret you because of how we turned out So that we can’t even talk to each other without one of us insulting each other. Sometimes I wish you would just go away.