Me

Lies? Maybe Just Untruths

So I was tested for depression last year when my mom took me to the doctor for a check-up and they said I had perfectly normal answers for a person my age... I lied. I wasn't even that bad back then, with whatever I'm dealing with. I lied to the doctor and said the answers any normal person my age would have said. School is fine, I get to see my friends there and I make good grades. That wasn't the lie. It didn't really answer the question so it might be a stretch to call it a lie, more of an untruth if anything. School was, and is, fine. That's it. It's fine. It's just something I have to do to get through the day and nothing more. I can see my friends and my boyfriend, which I really like, but I still feel numb all the time, and when I get around the people that make me feel something, it's addictive. But even the people I love being around, it drains me mentally to be around them, it's just way less than other people but there's a point where you want to talk to them and everything but you can't physically be around them because of how drained you are but you have no problem texting them, but only if they text you first or you're sure they won't be on their phone to reply for a while, and that's how I am and I cling to those people and it makes me always think I'm being too clingy and that they'll all want to replace me with someone else and I'll always be that way deep down no matter what happens.and I have no idea how I'm supposed to deal with that but I'll have to one way or another. But anyways, that wasn't all. They asked me if I had any suicidal thoughts or acted upon them if I did and I said no, which I'm not sure if that was a lie or not. At this point in time I don't think I would ever be able to kill myself, but if something were to happen where I could die I'm not sure I would try to prevent it from happening and that should scare me but it doesn't because when I'm not talking to the people who make me feel or sometimes even if I am, I feel numb and not scared at that prospect. There is something that scares me even when I'm feeling numb though. The concept of immortality scares me, not in a way like I fear it, but in a way that it would be like torture to me to be immortal. Yeah, you aren't invulnerable, you can still die, but not of old age or any natural cause, it would have to be something like murder or manslaughter or suicide and I would go insane. Everyone you care about will die and if it were me I wouldn't want to make anymore connections with anyone else so I wouldn't hurt if they died too and you have to live through all these wars and natural disasters and drama between countries and you couldn't stay in one place too long with the same looks or name or wardrobe or house or furniture or anything the same and you would be attacked more than the average person, having lived longer, and my chances of being raped are already 1 in 6 just by being a girl and we aren't equal and we get criticized for being feminists because people think we want misandry when we're trying to fight for equality in a misogynistic world and I just couldn't do it. I could never be immortal for many reasons. I don't even know why this scares me so much because I'll never have to live through it but it does and that's so unsatisfying because if not that then why am I so scared of it? I have no idea but I have no idea about so many things I used to be so sure about...