Me

I can't be that girl

Do you ever feel like ghosting your friends and family? I think about it a lot. I wish I could but I know I can't. Ever. I have to be the girl with the good grades that takes the SAT in seventh grade and gets into early college when she applies and does the chores for her sister who always has too much homework when the chores come up even if she was gaming earlier and the one who will get accepted into a good college hopefully on scholarship because I don't have a college fund and who will graduate from law school and get a good job as a lawyer so I can help support my parents once they retire. I can't ever be the girl who no one knows because everyone has known me since kindergarten and knows my reputation for being the smart kid to cheat off. I can't be the girl who can graduated high school and goes away without a trace because my friends and family need me and they would all blame themselves and have a mutual hatred for me for going away. But I also can't be the girl they want me to be. I can't be the perfect daughter they want me to be because I'm not girly enough, or skinny, or have good enough drawing ability for it to mean something, or a good enough singing voice to make money off of it, or be smart enough to skip grades, or be fast enough at chores to be able to do all of them by myself in the amount of time they want me to, or get all 100s on my tests because I don't study because I never had to and it just jumbles everything together for me. I can't be the girl who can help with dad's yardwork because he doesn't think I'm strong enough to help and I can't help Mom with sewing because I'm shit at it. I can't cook, I never clean right even if I do it the same way mom does with a better result than her, I can't be the good little sister I'm supposed to be because all I am is a nuisance who is annoying, I can't be the owner I'm supposed to be because even though I feed him the cat food he likes, gives him water in his water dish, scoop the box, brushes him and, when he lets me, pets him, when I try to pet my cat he either nuzzles up to me or runs away even if he was doing the other two seconds before and I can't be the student I'm supposed to be because even though I'm always at least halfway paying attention and have never used my phone in class without the teacher's consent, a teacher calls on me every time she asks the class questions and asks me the one she knows is hardest for me even though I always get 5he answer right, and she always looks under the table hoping to see me on my phone so she can send me to the principal. I haven't been the girl they want me to be. I haven't and I won't ever be. And because of that I'm not good enough. But they can't just let me go.