Me

To M part 3

M:

"But you're not sad all the time or at least you don't express it to every living creature"

What I want to say:
I

feel either nothing or this overpowering sense of longing and helplessness and unexpressed grief and I know I need to let it out but I don't know how and I can't talk to anyone because you'll all judge me so I had to make a Wattpad account you guys don't know about so I can vent and be helplessly depressing without you guys all leaving me because I'm a hurricane and you guys can only handle rain. I want to get help but I'm afraid my parents will think it's a joke or treat me differently but there's the other hand where I think I'm depressed but I don't want to self diagnose myself because I might not be depressed and I feel like it would insult depressed people but I also want to just avoid it and hope it goes away like I am right now and I'm acting like I'm emotionally numb which I am most of the time but on the bus ride to school when  it's dark outside, and I'm sitting alone for a while until the girl assigned to sit with me gets on, and I'm looking out the window, my mind starts to watch see off to that dark place (or more dark than usual) and  I start feeling, I don't even really know how to describe it, like I miss past memories and I want to go back to where I was happy all the time and I want to be like normal girls who don't think like this and don't feel like they need to hide everything and don't want to ghost their friends and family when they grow up because they feel like they wouldn't be able to accept them The way they truly are but then I realize they do feel like that sometimes no matter how much confidence they have and that this is who I am and I can't change that.