Wonderlust

Dysphoric Mess

Tw: intense body dysphoria

I must have fallen asleep at one point because I don't remember eating dinner. Which was probably a good thing because the next thing I was aware of was waking up suddenly and forcefully.

There was a blanket on me and the seat had been pushed back so that I was lying on a semi-flat surface. I figured this was Dylan's doing. It struck me as incredibly sweet. Only it was dark outside, we were parked by the side of the forest. There was just darkness outside for miles. I glanced around and found Dylan was asleep in the back of the car like normal.

I was wondering why on earth I had woken up when all of a sudden, I felt a dull pain roll over my abdomen, paired with the eerie sensation of movement. I felt my heart splash into my stomach as the cold sensation of disbelief and fear settled over me. It immediately brought tears to my eyes. Not now, not now, not now, not now.

More waves of pain. The car started to feel suffocating. There was a railing outside, we must be up in the mountains. I clicked open the car door, with shaking hands I grabbed onto the railing. A view I couldn't see in the darkness stretched out below and the cold breeze brushed the back on my neck. It helped a little, I didn't feel like I was going to throw up anymore. Everything below my ribs just ached and I keeled over, attempting to ease it somehow by pushing onto my gut and biting my lip. I hate this. I hate this so much. I hate this body.

My mind immediately flashed to Dylan and I was just filled with a red-hot jealousy I didn't know I had in me. Dylan looked like a boy, He acted like a boy. He was a boy, and he was accepted even if nobody else knew the full truth, as one even before we met. That never happened to me. Not even once. Instead I was just called a pervert and exiled from the bathroom, or called other worse names. Why can't I have that?

Another wave of pain rolled over me and it forced tears out of my eyes. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.

I barely even knew Dylan. What I even doing? This was literally the stupidest thing I've ever done. Now I can't even go crawling back home because Janet will probably kill me. I got myself into this mess. This was just my punishment for being a freak.

"Atticus?" Dylan's concerned voice floated over as his hand touched my shoulder. "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

I blinked open my eyes to see he was crouching in front of me, eyes full of concern illuminated by an electric lantern he brought out. I felt my face grow hot with shame. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want this to even be happening to me.

"Are you in pain?" His eyes flicked up and down, trying to pick up on clues because of my obviously disinterest in explaining myself.

I grit my teeth and nodded slowly, loathing every second of this with my whole being. I let my dysphoria tie my vocal cords together. That's me, the pathetic dysphoric mess who hates himself.

Dylan seemed to put two and two together, given that I was sobbing on the ground and clutching my stomach.

"Ah, are you're on...yeah. Hang on."

Number one rule of being a trans-male, never say the p-word. Everyone's tolerance for it is different and mine is as low as it gets.

The back of the car had a compartment where you can store stuff under the existing back area, where out sleeping set up was. I knew it was there but I never went through it. It wasn't my car or my business. Dylan must have been prepared to stay out here for more than a month. I wasn't. I didn't know if that was thoughtful of worrying but I didn't care because my insides were literally ripping up my insides.

He came back with a pad and handed it to me. "I'll be on the other side of the car, call me back when you're ready."

After a few minutes I obliged, and he came back to find me pressed against the side of the car and still crying. He plopped down next to me and placed an arm over my shoulder carefully. I didn't mind.

"You want to talk about it?"

"No." I snapped, but it wasn't directed at him and he understood that.

"Understandable. We don't have too. If you need any painkillers though I've got some, just ask."

"Yeah that would be great." I pressed my greasy face into my hands and watched from under the lip of my hood as he stood up and returned with two pills and a water bottle.

I lifted it to my lips but I found I couldn't even do that without my gag reflex building up in the back of my throat. That had nothing to do my current physical condition, that was just me violently hating my body so much I couldn't swallow. I took in a deep breath, and tipped my head back real quick. I didn't want to swallow at first but I forced past them and nearly choked on the liquid, but it worked.

I put down the water bottle with shaking hands and started to cry again.

"I h-hate this." I gasped, suddenly hyper aware of how high-pitched my voice was, which physically hurt.

"I know." Dylan wrapped his arm around me again.

"I j-just." I wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my hoodie. "It's not fair."

He squeezed me gently. "Yeah."

Then it all just came pouring out. "I'm not even a real boy. I'm just a freak pretending to be a boy. I'm n-never gonna have the body I want and I have waited so long, for nothing. I hate the way I look. I'm never going to be able to fully t-transition, why b-bother."

Dylan didn't say anything, he just reached and pulled me into a hug, while swaying back and forth gently. I think the painkillers were finally starting to kick in. He held the position for a bit, just making sure he was there for me.

"Atticus." He said gently. "Don't let anyone, even yourself, ever tell you you're any less of the man you are."

I didn't say anything, I just let the words sink in. I wanted to savor them. I wanted to hold the tingling feeling they gave me and inhale like the smoke from Dylan's cigarettes. I wish I could get high off of his words.

"Hey look at me okay?"

I leaned back slightly so I could look him eye to eye. He smiled gently, with all the sincerity in the world.

"You pass, okay? You look like exactly what you are, a boy. Not even that, a man."

Hearing those words made me reel slightly. "No one's ever told me that before."

Dylan nodded sternly. "Well thank goodness, I got here as fast as I did, and I am here to tell you what I think is an obvious truth."

He slowly reached and arm around me for another hug. I accepted it. It was nice. I could smell whatever he put into his hair.

"Hey Dylan." I said quietly into the fabric of his hoodie.

"Mhm."

"I don't think I can go back."

Dylan paused and let me go. "What do you mean?"

I bit my lip and looked away at the night sky up above. "I don't think I can go back to Washington. I think by leaving they've kicked me out."

Dylan looked thoughtful. "That's okay. We'll figure it out."

I looked away, unsure. This just bought forward a whole new slew of problems. I don't think I was ready to live on my own yet, heck I didn't even finish high school.

"Atticus." Dylan must have noticed how panicked I looked, I glanced over at him nervously. "I mean it. Like I said I'll be eighteen soon, legal adult. Besides, we don't have to worry about that right now. Right now, it's just us."

Just us. I liked the way he said it.

"You're right." I admitted. "You're completely right. It's going be fine."

It was just us, and we're going to be fine.