Wonderlust

Make My Own Freedom

I didn't know what I was expecting but what came next certainly wasn't it.

My Dad let out a sharp and hearty laugh, then punched Matt's arm. Matt seemed unamused, in fact he was completely unchanged. It was if my coming out was a mere interruption between him and his vegetable sizzling gently in the pan. Then Dad's laughter died out as he realized that nobody else found it funny. Especially me, I felt like I had shrunk a few inches.

"You're... you're not serious right?" He asked, wiping tears away from the corner of his eyes.

"Of course, he's serious." Dylan snapped, suddenly coming off as very cold. "Who would ever joke about this?"

"Well, me." Dad snorted. "I do all the time. Matt you remember when I told you the joke about the tranny prostitute?"

Matt ripped his tongs a little tighter. "Dad, not the time."

My heart started to beat so loudly I could hear it in my brain. "I am being serious. That's why I ran away, because it wasn't entirely safe for me at home."

Dad frowned, as if just beginning to grasp the conversation. "So, you're really one of them? Did I drop you when you were a kid or something?"

"No... it's a r-real thing." I stammered.

This was unreal. Mom took the whole thing way to seriously and Dad couldn't stop cracking jokes. Why was this happening to me, why couldn't I have at least one parent who was willing to listen to me?

He looked up at me, then puffed out another dry laugh. "Sure then. What are you going to do when you get older then and want to have a serious relationship with someone? What does your boyfriend think about all of this? Surely he's not going to stay with you if you militate your body with all those surgeries."

"With all due respect sir, I'm also transgender." Dylan retorted, dryer then the weather here.

Dad blinked in surprise. "Of course! Why don't I put on a skirt then and run into the nearest ladies' room then? Anyone can be anything they please these days I suppose. I could put on some ear and start calling myself a dog, but it doesn't change anything does it."

"Dad, why don't you shut up now." Matt interrupted.

"You don't actually believe them, do you?" Dad turned to Matt with a incredulous look.

Matt remained silent as he stirred the vegetables.

"Oh my God, you do." Dad jaw dropped.

"Dad please." I begged. "I don't have anywhere else to go, I need you to believe me. I can't go back to mom's."

"You know what? Maybe you should! Maybe I should call her right now and have you on the next flight out." He dared, standing up.

I winced and just remained silent. Maybe if I just went along we could forgot I even said anything. Maybe it would be okay living as Allie (living a lie) for a few more months, even though the thought made my stomach turn. Oh God, I was going to throw up and have another panic attack. Oh God.

Nothing has ever been as disappointed as going to my parents for help, only to find out they don't support me. When they tell you they love you but refuse to let go of this child that they don't actually know, it's because those are lies. You're trying to figure yourself out as a teenager and your parents will get so attached to the person they have in their head that they'll never let you tell them anything else. Even if that person is fake, and a lot of time they are. Sometimes it's just easier to pretend to be a fake person then to be yourself.

"Let's just eat the wonderful dinner Matt's preparing for us and forget this ever happened." Dad rolled his eyes and tried to turn away from me.

Dylan shot me a look of incredulousness and I made a decision. I was really sick and tired of pretending to someone I'm not.

"No." I forced out.

Dad shot a glance back at me. "Allie don't be stupid."

"No." I told him. "You know what? I don't need you. You're not even a good person. You're a bully with money. I understand why Mom left you. I understand why that other woman left you. It's because nobody can stand to be around the real you, can they?"

I was breathing hard and my face was hot and probably flushed. My hands were also shaking, I couldn't feel most of my face, and my chances of passing out were getting more likely but I said it. It felt good. Yeah, it felt really good.

Dad's mouth dropped into a small 'o' but I didn't give him the chance to finish.

"Living with you is probably a nightmare. I crossed three states in hope that it would better than living with mom, but clearly, I was wrong." I snapped at him, standing up.

"I have suffered three long year in the closet, in hope that someone else could give me the freedom I wanted. The freedom to simply live my life authentically, to live my life as me. It wasn't until these last few months that I got a taste of that, and you know what?"

"Hold on-"

"I'm not going to let you take that away from me." I didn't realize I was yelling until I sucked in a shaky breath. "I can make my own freedom."

I grabbed Dylan's hand and reached into his pocket and pushed the keys into his hand. "Start the car."

He blinked but took the keys and turned towards the door. I ran into my room and gathered up all of stuff, his uke, my sketchbook, our phones, everything we had brought from the car inside. It wasn't a lot and I could fit it all in a hoodie bundle as I headed towards the door.

"Allison, where do you think you're going?" He jumped out of his chair as he watched my practically kick open the front door.

"I don't know honestly, anywhere is better than here." I spat at him. "It was nice meeting you Matt, you seemed like a nice guy."

Matt blinked at me slowly, much like Dylan's reaction. Dad gestured with his arms but didn't move. It was like he was angry but was too lazy to even chase after me.

"You'll be back." Dad said.

"Screw you." I actually laughed at his face, something else I had never done before.

Then I slammed the door, and walked to our car, which was humming and Dylan stared at me in a mixture of pride and shock as I laid our belongings in the back seat and jumped over the hood of the car to ride shot gun.

"Where are we going?" Dylan asked.

"Just drive." I insisted.

Then it all caught up to me, and I started to sob.