Lost in Oblivion

6 Months

So it's been 6 months since Lee left. I haven't gotten Jen to come out again. At times, I'm scared I've lost her forever. Other times, I can barely feel her there. Like a shadow you feel just over your shoulder.

I keep trying to bring her out. But every time I do, it's like touching a live wire. Her anger and loneliness so raw and powerful it effects both of us.

After he left that night, I let her sink deep. I thought she needed to take some time to heal. He has no idea how badly he ripped her apart. Or how much I hate him. Or how hard it was to wake up the next morning.

When I woke up, I couldn't feel Jen inside my head. I spent the day searching and screaming for her, to no avail. She wouldn't answer even my desperatest of cries. Believe me, I pulled out all the stops.

It was so hard to continue our life pretending everything was normal. I spent the first week, day in and out, trying to get her back. Fearing that I would be alone forever.

I cut everyone off. I didn't talk to anyone or do anything. Go to work, come home, scream for Jen. That's it. But nothing was making it better. Even sleeping, I'd dream of Jen running away from me and wake up in a panic.

After the first month, it seemed normal. I'd still talk to her, hoping she could still hear me. I kept asking her questions or telling her jokes. Kept trying to draw her out. But nothing was working.

I listened to her favorite music, watched her favorite movies. Nothing. I couldn't figure it out.

By month two, things had gotten repetitious. So I changed our routine. Went to different stores, bought different foods. Trying to shock her out of her silence. Still nothing.

Month three was bad. I was struggling. I was having nightmares every night. Always chasing after Jen and having to watch her soul being torn apart.
Each time by something different. But waking up screaming anyway.

Until one night the dream was different. Jen was sitting beside a deep lake, waiting on me. I ran up to her an hugged her and never wanted to let go.

She asked me to sit beside her. So there I sat, just looking at her. She took my hand and held it in hers. Nothinf has Nothing ever felt that real. Like we were two people sitting together. Instead of two people stuck in the same brain.

She sits there forever, just holding my hand. Finally, she looks at me and says

"Jess, I just need some time. I need to mend  this deep ravine inside me. I can't let you fix me. It's up to me to come back from this. I just need to figure out how. So please, I know it's hard, but don't give up on me. I'll come back to you, just give me time."

I smiled and said

"I'll be here Jen. Take as long as you need as long as you come back. I can't be alone forever. But I can wait."

She smiled back and walked off into the darkness. I woke up feeling better. I felt as if it was a message from her. Letting me know she's there. Letting me know I'm not alone.

Its been easier since then. No more nightmares. Just getting used to having mostly this body to myself. Conscious all the time of waiting on Jen to come back. Knowing she will now.

David and Marcy are busy planning their wedding. I see from time to time. He has no clue what happened and never will if I have my way about it. When we see each other, it's always polite pleasantries. Never anything deeper than asking about what we've been up to.

Marcy wants a big wedding, David just wants it over with. He changed jobs. Bought a house. Been busy planning his and Marcy's future.

I always just smile, say I'm glad everything is going good, and turn and walk away. It's so hard sometimes to not break down or say something more. But so far, I've held my tongue.

Abby is 8 months pregnant and expecting a little girl. She's ecstatic.  So happy with the life her and Lee have made happen.

I haven't seen Lee since that night. But my boss knows Abby and gives me random updates from time to time. She doesn't know about me, so I just pretend to be Jen all the time. It's way less complicated that way.

So as of right now, I'm still a security guard. Still working at the mine. Everyone thinks I'm Jen. You could say everything is going smoothly. Except for the battle within.

I'll never give up on Jen. I'll always be waiting for her to come back. Until she does, I want everything to be perfect for her.

Until then, I'm getting a dose of what she went through before she knew about me. And man it sucks. Always feeling as if something is missing. As if something is a just a little off. All the time.

Sometimes it gets to me. Other times, it just feels normal. Most of the time, I'm just going through the motions to keep things at an even keel.

So, that's the end, for now. It's been good talking to you, friend. Yes, you're my friend. How else could you know the deep, intimate workings of this amazing creature? I know you're laughing. But I wish you the best and hopefully, we'll hear from Jen soon.

Until next time, dear friend.