Enough {h.s.}

22

I sat behind the desk that was placed toward the front of the store giving me a view of the entrance and the store. I sat with my book open but my eyes stayed on the people passing. I found myself looking for him. I haven't seen him in five years. Yes, I've seen him in pictures, his face is everywhere. But in person? What is it going to feel like? It's different when you tell someone everything you feel while looking at their face printed on paper, but in person? It's a whole other concept.

An elderly lady brought me back to the present. She was sweet, also deaf so we never really had a conversation. Just a smiles and nods and thumbs up when I liked the book she chose. She came in maybe once a month, sometimes twice. She always wore sweaters and nice dress pants and did her hair in soft curls. She wore glasses with beads attached so when they fell they'd fall around her neck. She was one of the sweetest lady's I'd ever met and I knew nothing about her.

She made her way outside and as I watched her leave I saw a tall head covered with dark curls. My heart sank and I froze. My stomach turned and I thought I was going to hurl until I saw his face. It wasn't Harry. My legs were numb and I could feel my pulse in my head. I threw my head back and began breathing again. Don't be such a wuss, Alex.. or crazy. It's not like I'm actually going to run into him. Especially not on the street. He's a famous star. He has girls sitting outside his hotel just hoping to catch a glimpse of him on his balcony.... 35 flights up.

We used to have this plan. How if he ever got noticed and went on tour I'd tag along and we'd see the world together. It was him and I against the world. We'd lay down on a quilt and stare at the stars for hours just talking about life and how we wanted it. We were inseparable. I tried not to think about it but my brain didn't listen to itself. My heart filled with sadness and I felt it droop down as low as it could. I sat there staring out into space for what felt like forever, remembering high school, junior year, summer. Nothing could ever compare to how it felt to have someone. And yes, I had a boyfriend before Harry and I have Evan now. But when I think about it now, the guy I was with before Harry, I don't even remember his name. That's how little he meant to me. At the time he had hurt me but I don't even think about that anymore, he means nothing. But Harry, he meant the world. He was my everything. And I know that I always loved him and cared a little more than he did but that doesn't change the fact that I loved him. And he hurt me, but when you have that person, someone you turn to for everything. The person you want there to experience anything you do, it's hard to just let them go. And you could say that's what I did 5 years ago but the fact that I'm sitting here, a few thousand dollars less in my pocket because a dinner for my boyfriend and I'm still sitting here thinking about the boy who stole my heart in high school shows that I never let him go.

———

"You're still here?" I turned to see Jane, my manager, a 55 year old woman, looking at me. "Go, be a young woman! Go buy a short dress and go to a club and get drunk."

I bursted into laugher at her comment. "What! I don't party." I place the last few books on the shelves and roll the cart back to the storage room.

"When I was your age I went out all the time with my friends. I didn't spend my youth in a old book store getting dust in my nose." She locked the storage room and we made our way to the door.

"I know, it's just that Evan is always working and I haven't made many friends, I don't feel the need."

"What do you do when you leave here?"

"Go home, eat, study, sleep. It varies." She locked the door behind us and we stood by her car as she continued giving me advice on how to live my life.

"Go. Party, once a week. It's good for you, you'll meet more people that way," She placed her belonging in the passenger seat and patted my shoulder.