What I Want

Chapter 45: Solace and Reassurance

A week after Ben's fight, and after their heart to heart, Mal found herself at peace, at least for the most part. However, right now, she preferred to distract herself. She had been so tired lately, but she wasn't sure if it was the stress or if something was going on with her body. Whatever the case, she needed some alone time. She loved being with Ben, but sometimes she just needed to be by herself so she could process what was going on in her life.

Mal was currently working on her wedding present to Ben in her art room. It was the first painting she had done in a while too. The last one was the picture of her and Ben over looking a new born baby. That felt like ages ago, so it was high time she got to work on a new project. Painting always calmed her and provided a sense of relief and safety. It was one of only two things that she could find solace in, the other being Ben of course. When she painted, Mal felt like she could be and do anything she wanted. She felt a sense of freedom, even when she had a plan about what she wanted paint.

Even though Mal was painting a picture of her and Ben kissing at the alter on their wedding day, she still let her heart guide her, like she always did. She could see the finished project , even though she was currently working on the base layers. It was all clear to her. She knew what she wanted. However, there were other things that were appearing in her mind too. In the back of her head, she was remembering the conversation she had with Ben the day after his fight.

Ben apologized profusely about how he had hurt her. He even got on his knees and begged her for forgiveness, even though she had told him that he was already forgiven earlier in the day. Still, she had no idea how much he was kicking himself for it. She could see in his eyes how much pain he was in knowing that he had upset her. Mal had gotten to her knees and kissed him sweetly, letting him know that everything was okay. She could still feel how reassuring the kiss felt for both of them, so soft and sweet. She remembered that after the kiss was over, Ben laid his head on her shoulder and cried, sobbing about how much he loved her and regretted his actions. All she could do was hold him and let him get all his feelings out. She wished she had known he had been holding back about how he had been feeling, but he had done it for her sake. Ben wanted to let her get her feelings out earlier that morning, so he had kept to himself. He then realized that was a mistake. They had promised not to keep things like this from each other, and he broke that promise too. He cried more, realizing that he was doing everything he said he wouldn't. But Mal understood, so she didn't hold it against him. She would have done the same thing. It certainly didn't mean he was right to hold back though. She made that very clear when he had finally collected himself.

And yet, even after she had assured him that he was forgiven, Mal could see that Ben was still reeling from it all. He still wasn't sure if he should be forgiven. So Mal decided to do the one the thing she knew could give him that reassurance; she took him to bed and made slow sweet love to him. She could still feel the way their bodies moved against each other, his hands lightly caressing her bare back, his touch gentle and gratifying. She could still remember the words of kindness and love they had whispered into each other's ear. She could still taste his lips on her own, and his blueberry and pine needle scent was still evident in her nose. She could still hear his hot and heavy breath echoing in her ears. Mal remembered how she could feel his heart beat against her own, fully in sync. She had felt so comfortable with him in a way she never had before. They found solace in each other; reassurance that things were alright between them. Sure, the outside world was having problems, but not them. Ben and Mal were okay.

However, that didn't mean that they didn't have their fights. Mal was still very anxious about her father lurking around. Earlier this week, Ben had informed her that he had launched his own personal investigation on Dr. Facilier's whereabouts. Sure, she was upset with him for keeping it from her for so long, but at least he told her. Still, she chewed him out for keeping yet another secret from her. He had no right to keep such a thing from her. It was her father after all. Mal didn't care that Ben was doing it for her own protection. She didn't need to be protected. She could handle herself. Time and time again Ben had continued to forget that. This was yet another thing they were planning on working through when they find the right therapist/counselor. But somehow, they got through this issue. Ben relented, realizing that he had no right to keep her out of an investigation that involved Mal's father. On days that Mal had some free time before heading home, she would drop into Ben's office and they would work together on narrowing down a location. It was a slow and tedious process, but they were getting close. With Mal's help in knowing her father so well, she and Ben had narrowed his location down to one of the many residential areas. However, they still needed an exact location. They couldn't exactly knock on doors to see if Dr. Facilier would answer, and they certainly didn't want to scare the public. So for now, Mal was painting as a way to clear her mind. She was just putting the finishing touches on her painting when her phone buzzed. She looked down to see it was a text from Ben.