1000 Ways To Die When You're A Teleporter

Chapter 16: Wood Chipper

And then Valkyrie shoved Fletcher, just because he was annoying her so much and she had reached the end of her capacity to deal with him with words alone.

What she hadn't taken into account was the location of their argument: the ground where you bought Christmas trees.
They had been deciding which one to buy for Skulduggery's house, as a surprise.

This meant that unfortunately they were stood directly in front of a wood chipper.

Fletcher gave a strangled cry as the back of his jacket was caught in the whirring blades.
It pulled him back before Valkyrie could grab him.

The skin on Fletcher's back tore and his flesh was ripped and blood showered the pine-needle strewn floor and Fletcher was screaming, screaming till his lungs burst and his ribs splintered and his spine was broken into lots of little singular vertebrae.

Next were his limbs; tangled like that of a dead spider, a mass of long, bloody, flailing arms and legs which were soon mashed up in the chipper.

Fletcher's head snapped back as his neck was caught in the jarring knives of the machine, and a moment later his skull was smashed in and his eyed were popped and his mouth was so mangled he couldn't've screamed even if his vocal chords hadn't been snapped.

Valkyrie just stood there, eyes wide, jaw hanging open. Then she slowly stepped back, shut her mouth, licked her lips like she always did when she was nervous, and turned to find the seller of the Christmas trees.
She walked over to him, flashed him a dazzling smile and said,

"So sorry to bother you, but I think there might be something stuck in your wood chipper."

***

"We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Fletcher Renn, the last teleporter. If only he hadn't insisted that fir was a better option than pine..."