Heaven or Hell?

Chapter Six:

The taste of coffee tingles my taste buds as it slithers down my raw throat. After lying awake for four hours in pure heartache and confused emotions. I finally came to the decision to get out of bed and make myself a cup of coffee, even if it is only six in the morning. But anything beats lying in bed and doing nothing. Or at least for me it does, people like Becky could just stay in bed all day and sleep until noon. Whereas I am a morning person, I just don't understand how people can just lounge about in bed all day unless they were sick. 

But one thing that hasn't escaped my mind, is my dream. Why on earth did I dream something that started out as the most peaceful yet natural thing, only to turn into the worst nightmare that I have ever had. Could it possibly mean something? And if it does, then what? I am just grateful that Leo was by my side when I woke up because if it wasn't thanks to his calming techniques. I don't think I would of been able to calm down as quickly. However, there is one thing that I still remain confused about. Our kiss. Did I want it to happen? No. Despite the pleasuring feeling that his touch gives me, I did not want to be kissed by him. Why? Because I'm not ready to forgive him. I can't forgive him, at least not yet. I mean who leaves unannounced and not return until a year and half later. Who does that? Leo Taylor, that is who. 

"You seem deep in thought" Becky states as she walks into the kitchen and pours herself a cup of coffee. 

"I am so confused" I confess as I place my head in my hands. 

"About what?" She questions as she takes a seat opposite me.

"Everything!" I say as I wave my hands up in the air dramatically just to emphasise my confusion.

"And by everything do you mean Leo?" She asks, looking me dead in the eye as if she is trying to read me.

"Yes. No. Wait, I don't know" I say beginning to tear up in frustration.

"Don't cry, just tell me how you feel" Becky states whilst handing me a tissue to wipe the tears away from my eyes.

"But that's the point I don't know how I feel. When Leo was gone, life wasn't simple but it was bearable. Life wasn't perfect but it was okay. I was okay" I say. "I mean, I just don't understand how he could disappear like that and not even offer me an explanation?! Was I seriously that bad of a girlfriend?" I add and what I do notice about Becky whilst I explain my emotions is that her eyes don't leave my face once. Not once.

"You weren't a bad girlfriend. So get that out of your head right now! But how do you feel now that Leo has returned?" She questions in a soft tone of voice.

"Confused. I mean he is like my ying to my yang, my night to my day. But he is also the only person who can hurt me" I confess whilst wiping away the last of my tears.

"Have you told him this?" She asks me as she jumps down from the stool to place her empty cup in the sink. Which by the way she better be washing herself because I am no longer washing her dishes after she broke my favourite mug.

"Nope" I say, making sure to pop the "p" Anyway when have I actually had the oppertunity to have a decent conversation with him without me avoiding him or lashing out at each other.

"So are you going to?" She questions me further, turning herself around so that she has her arms crossed across her chest, whilst leaning up against the kitchen counter.

"I don't know. Like last night I had the most confusing yet horrifying dream and he was the one who calmed me down. But after he calmed me down, he kissed me full on the lips. And it was as if all those emotions resurfaced from when we previously dated, but now I don't know what I want or what I should do?!" I say as I climb down from my stool and walk over to her in search of a friendly hug. And it's as if she reads my mind because as soon as I climb down from my stool she opens her arms up for me, allowing me to walk right into them.

"Personally, I think you should go get ready for school. Wake him up in the process and then as soon as we enter the school go straight to the music department and hit that piano" She says with a volunimous smile. I love how she says "hit that piano" as if it is my life line. I admit I adore playing the piano because when my fingers touch the keys, it's as if all my emotions go into the piece of music that I play. And I won't say that I am the best singer, but there is this one song that I love to play in private because it holds so much meaning to me and that is "If I die young" by the Band Perry. I even had it played at Liam's burial because the line "She'll know I'm safe with you, when she stands under my colours" Put my mind at ease, knowing my baby boy was safe in God's hands. In heaven. So that is what I do.

Two hours later I find myself in the school's music room, along with Becky who is listening to me playing. Where with every note that I sing and play at the same time, it's as if a small bit of grief gets lifted from upon my shoulders, allowing me to feel slightly at peace.

"You know, you have an amazing voice. You should audition for the lead in the school's musical" Becky suggests as I finish singing "If I die young"

"I don't think so, singing in private is one thing. But singing in front of a hundred people is the complete opposite" I laugh, whilst putting the lyrics in my bag.

"I'm serious Zoey. Do it! It will be good for you, give you something to take your mind off of Leo and Liam" She replies, although when she talks about Liam her voice softens a bit.

"I know it would take my mind off of them, but I just don't think I would be able to do it" I reason with her, but what I didn't notice was the curtin being pulled open on the other side of the room. Because as I turn around to place my bag on my shoulder, I find my whole drama class staring back at me with mouths wide open. Including Leo's.

"What the?" Both myself and Becky screech. When the hell did the music room have a secret wall that could be lifted, that we didn't know about. A whole year I have been coming into this room and singing until my heart gives out and I never noticed this one feature.

"Zoey, that was amazing!" Ms Coles declares as she runs up and gives me a hug. "The way your facial expression changed throughout that song was simply pefection. I felt that, that song held so much meaning to you" She adds, but all I can think is that maybe it means so much to me because it reminds me of my son and his father. "How would you feel about being the lead singer in the musical?" She questions, not exactly making it sound like a question because by the way she says it. It's as if she is already planning what I will be wearing and what I will be singing. But before I can answer her, a voice cuts me off. 

"She would love too!" Becky says with a massive grin on her face. "Excellent! Pratice begins tonight at four, don't be late. We will be discussing who will be playing the lead roles!" Ms Coles declares before dismissing the whole class to do a warm up exercise. But the only thing registering in my mind is that I will have to sing in front of hundreds of people. People that I don't even know. People who I may not even like. What the hell has Becky and Ms Coles signed me up for?