I literally want nothing to do with you at all…..but at the same time I want you, and just you.
Sometimes all you need is one person that shows you that it’s okay to let your guard down, be yourself and love with no regrets.
My Graduation Speech “I want to thank Google, Wikipedia and whoever the hell invented copy and paste. Thank You!”
If she’s crying, don’t say anything. Just hug her.
I have three moods:
- Fuck You
- Fuck Off
- Fuck Me.
Do you ever think about shit you did in the past and go “Why the fuck did nobody punch me in the face.”
Sometimes there is no next time, no timeouts, and no second chances. Sometimes it’s now or never.
I’d rather stay quiet than explain my problems to people who don’t care.
All I need is €1 from 1 million people to be a millionaire! How hard can that be!
Fuck everything that doesn’t make you happy.
Don’t tell me the sky’s the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
It’s okay to be a glow-stick sometimes we need to break before we shine.
Sometimes you miss the memories, not the person.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented pot noodle.
Your mind is a garden. Your thoughts are the seeds. You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
My boyfriend is so handsome, looking all invisible and shit.
Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed.
1+1=3 If you don’t use a condom.
Son: “Hey, dad, can I go to a 50 cent concert?” Dad: “Sure, just remember to bring a friend. There’s a pound on the kitchen table.”
I don’t know what my future holds but I’m hoping you’re in it.
She doesn’t say “I love you” like a normal person. Instead she’ll laugh, shake her head, give you a little smile, and say, “You’re and idiot.” If she tells you you’re an idiot, you’re a lucky man.
If I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes, only then would you realize how special you are to me.
Don’t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kenya West loves Kenya West.
My room is not messy; it is an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.
When I die I want my last words to be, “I left a million pounds under the…”
Three triplets separated at birth all ended up going to the same college in New York and meeting each other in the 1980s.
In 2010, a Canadian man rescued a new born baby from a dumpster, only to find out he was the father.
When your crush isn’t in school. Me: “Well damn, I wasted an outfit!”
I remember when my best friend was shy and innocent… “I created a monster!!”
When your crush complains about being single. Me: “I can fix that”
Admit it…. We all know that one person who is ALWAYS getting hurt.
Me shopping: “How much is this poster of this ugly fat-headed man?” Sales Clerk: “Sir, that’s a mirror.”
The only “B” word you should ever call a woman…. Is “BEAUTIFUL,” Bitches love being called beautiful.
If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together there is something you must always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is: even if we’re apart, I’LL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU.
I could be with you for an hour, a day, a year, for ever, and not get bored.
They laugh at me because I’m different; I laugh at them because thy’re all the same.
There’s just something about you that I’m scared to lose because I know I won’t find it in anyone else.
Me: “When I see your face, there’s not a thing I would change.” My enemy: “Awe.” Me: “….except the direction I’m walking in.” My enemy: “Wow…”
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day, in my fort.
I’m sorry. My fault. I forgot you were an idiot.
Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good, enjoy it because it won’t last forever. And if things are going bad, don’t worry. It can’t last forever either.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It’s like Facebook in real life.
Some of you walked into my life and made it better, others walked out and made it super fantastic.
Dreams don’t work unless you do.
Marriage is finding that special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Every time I see a math problem it looks like this: if I have 10 ice cubes and you have 11 apples. How many pancakes will fit on the roof? ANSWER: Purple because aliens don’t wear hats.
There’s a fine line between tan, and looking like you rolled in Doritos.
Home is where I can look and feel ugly and enjoy it.
I promise to take care of you when your old, but the first time you hit me with your cane, I’ll wash your dentures in toilet water.
If women could read minds, every second man will get slapped….
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account, and now I’m over it.
If you say “Whale Oil Beef Hooked” really fast, it sounds like you’re saying “Well I’ll be fucked” in an Irish accent.
“No matter how hard life is, don’t lose hope.” – Zayn Malik.
“I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men, they are far superior and always have been.” – William Golding.
It’s just a bad day not a bad life.
Be good to your nieces and nephew. One day you’ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
I’m 30 but I still feel like I’m 20, until I hang out with 20 year old's then I’m like, nope never mind, I’m 30.
Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to DANCE in the rain.
“The land beside Harry Styles’ house is for sale.” [packs bag] “What are you do-” [gets into the Taxi] “Let’s go mum.”
