A "The Fault in Our Stars" Fanfic: Infinity's End

Part 11: Worthless

Hello once again everyone!!!  So I'm thinking of having a total of 20 chapters for this fanfiction, (since it's just a fanfic and isn't a full out story), and possibly write other stories from there!  I hope you all enjoy this  chapter that I originally going to post yesterday, and before you read this chapter, I would just like to thank you all for the support and reads I am recieving.  You all truly amaze me :').  See you all soon, okay?

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"...a scar."  Evan repeats as he pulls me in closer and holds me tighter, his broad arms forcing the side of my head to rest against his shoulder while he continues to sob.  His swollen, bloodshot eyes continuously fill with tears, and then slide down his rosy cheeks and drip one by one onto a damp spot on my right shoulder.

"It hurts...it hurts...I've should've been there when it happened...but I wasn't there...because I was too afraid to see her in her poor condition...I was a coward.  I was a coward!"  he whispers in between cries.

"Evan, just listen to me please, I-"  I begin to say, but Evan ignores me.

"I was a coward!!!  What son would ever do that to their own mother?!  Walk out on her?!  Not want to see her while she is suffering?!  I'm that type of person who would do that... because I'm a coward!  I am too afraid to face reality!  That's what I am!  I couldn't even bear looking at her for a minute straight in the hospital while she was fighting a hard battle!!!  And now she's dead...all because of me.  Because I didn't do anything about it, since I chose to do nothing but walk away from the situation and assume that the situation will resolve all by itself!!!  I took the easy way out.  The lazy way.  Instead of being there next to my mother to support her while she was slowly dying, I chose to turn away from that idea and wait it out. Hope that she was doing okay.  Even though I really could've made a difference."  

"Evan, look, it wasn't-"

"It wasn't what?!  My mother did everything, anything she could possibly do, to keep me alive for this many years.  I could've died during my first attack when I was 12!  Or just a few weeks ago, I could've slipped away.  But I didn't.  I didn't.  Wanna know why?  Because of my mom.  All because of her.  She always swooped in during what I thought was doing to be the last minute of my life multiple times and saved me.  Without her, I would be dead.  Right now.  I wouldn't exist anymore.  Every time I ended up in the hospital due to an attack,  I would see in my doctor's eyes that there was no hope left in them.  He was sure this was "my time".  Every time I looked at my mother whenever she visited the hospital, even though there was fear that she might lose her son, there was still a twinkle of hope in her eye.  She always convinced the doctors to use some other method to save my life when other options failed, even if they were risky.  But by taking a risk every time, they saved my life more than once.

Yet I just let my mother lay in that hospital bed of hers and diminish.  I didn't do anything, when I should have.  I should be the one dead!  Why am I not dead, I should be.  I don't understand.  Why the hell am I not dead?!  I don't deserve to live."  his arms finally release me, as he stares up into the ceiling and more tears stream down his face.

I reach over for his shoulder, and place my hand on it, but he shrugs it off.

In the most faint whisper, he says, "I'm worthless.  There's no one left I love.  There's no one left that loves me."

What about his father, his cousins, his aunts and uncles?, I think to myself.

"W-wait.  What?"  I say aloud accidently.

"I'm worthless... I have no more family.  My father died when I was only a 1 year old.  He-he died in a car crash while he was driving home from work."

"T-then how did you get to the hospital to visit your mother when you were twelve?"  I hesitate.

"My dad's brother, or my uncle, drove me.  He still cares for me today ever since my mom passed away, but I know he hates me.  I can see it.  He just cares for me because he knows he's all that I have left.  He just stays here because he knows that it is what my mom or dad would've wanted for me."  he says a bit more relaxed this time, though I still could hear a smidgen of anger as well as desperation in his voice.

"Oh."  is all I could say.

We both sit there, and stay there.  Nothing but the ticking of a clock somewhere in the house fills the silence in the living room.

Does he really mask this pain every day?  How does he?  First his father dies, then he gets a cancer attack.  Meanwhile, his mother has an attack.  Then, many years after, Evan yet again has to be sent to the hospital, while soon after getting dumped my his girlfriend.  And then his mother slowly dies.  I would be falling apart if I were in Evan's position right now.

"H-h-how do you do it???"  I ask Evan tentatively.

"Do what?"  he says as he turns his head towards me.

"Hide it?  Hide all of this pain?"  I say.

"I don't.  I feel it every day of my life.  Or at least get reminded of it whenever I wake up in the morning and realize the silence stirring in the house.  I still feel the pain, but I try to brush it off.  I try to set my mind forward and discard my past.  If I think about what is really going on in my life, it just ruins me.  Puts me in a bad mood.  So I try to pretend that everything is okay.  I just need a fresh start.  That's all I need."  Evan answers with a small fake smile.

I gaze down at the floor, and so does he.

I almost nearly hear him say, "I'm not okay though... I'm just a mess."

"W-well, you still have your friends."  I say, not knowing any other way to cheer him up.

"Uh, I guess.  I haven't had much friends since I've been taken out of school to be home-schooled, but you're right.  I have my friends.  Or a couple of them.  I have you."

I smile slightly, though I don't know how to react upon that, so my smile slowly fades after.

"Th-thanks, Hazel, by the way.  Thanks for coming.  It means a lot.  Sorry you had to go through a few hours listening to me moan and complain about my life though.  I just thought you would truly understand."

"Anytime.  Whenever you need someone to talk to, you can always come to me.  Or Issac.  He's a good listener too.  We can be like your personal therapists."  I say with a short smile followed by a laugh.

"Okay."  he replies and returns the smile.

I am about to stand up from the couch, but an idea pops into my mind.  Aha, maybe this can help him enjoy life's pleasures and cheer him up a bit, I think.

"Hey Evan, before I leave, do you mind if I take you on a little trip?"  I say to him.

"Oh, um, not at all.  Where to?"  he asks me.

"You'll see."  I answer, with an evil grin played across my face.

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I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, and be sure to tap that vote button!  Where do you think Hazel is going to bring Evan to?  Post your guess in the comment section below, and I will see you all next week! :)