Unwritten

Unwritten: Matthew Saitou

Matthew stared up at the palm trees blowing in the wind. Just below them were beautiful, bright pink flowers, though he didn't know what kind. Mystee would have loved them. The light gray sky above looked like how he felt - void and empty. There were no discernible clouds in them and no sunshine either. In his heart, there was no bitterness and no hope.

"Um... Uh, hey," a voice called.

Slowly, Matt sat up, leaning on his elbows. Since he was in the woods, the leaves and branches scraped against his skin roughly, but he didn't mind.

Standing outside the treeline, flipflops digging into the sand, was Cara, the girl from last night. When Matthew looked at her, she blushed, her face getting bright crimson. "Cara. Hi." Honestly, Matt had no idea what to say. Last night, his mind had been in a weird and dark place. Even though he felt slightly better today, he still wasn't in the mood for socializing.

"I just... I - I wanted..." Cara bit her lip and looked at her feet. Both of her feet shuffled in the sand, digging deeper.

Matt stared at her without speaking, waiting for her to continue.

She sighed, twisting her fingers through her red hair. "I just... I wanted to... To apologize about last night. I, um - I was really drunk and not thinking clearly. It - was weird. Listening to your war story and then... doing that..." Cara paused with another sigh and sat down, leaning against a tree across from Matt. Placing her hands over her face, she groaned. "I don't know what I was thinking." Her voice was muffled by her hands.

Swallowing, Matt glanced back up at the swaying trees and pink flowers. As if the sky had darkened with his mood, it was now a dark gray, with clouds rolling quicker than he thought possible. "Yeah, I... Last night was really messed up." For more than one reason, he thought to himself.

"I'm -" Cara cut herself off, finally taking her hands away from her face. She met his gaze, her bright green eyes intensely boring into his. "I'm sorry... about last night. We - I - shouldn't have done what I did, what we did. I'm... I'm sorry."

Grimacing, Matt nodded, running his hands over his short hair. "Y - Yeah, I'm sorry too. I, the truth is, my head isn't in a good place right now."

Cara cocked her head at him, her fingers playing with the grass beside her. "Because of the explosion?"

Matt shrugged, rubbing his face. "Because I had a PTSD attack and I seriously hurt someone I love. I - I can never come back from that, okay? You really should just leave me alone. It's for your own good."

Her eyes softened and looked down, as the corners of her mouth pulled downward into a deep frown. It looked as if his harsh words had hurt her.

"C - Cara, I'm - I'm sorry. It's not that I wouldn't love to get to know you, normally. I just... I hurt someone I love and I can't... I can't risk being around anyone right now. For your own good... You really should stay away from me." The words came out of him in a rush and when he was finished, he released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

Pursing her lips, Cara nodded and slowly stood up. She refused to look at him, not even glancing in his direction. "Right, well... I'm sorry about last night. Hope you can deal with your PTSD, Matthew."

I killed her, he wanted to say, but the words froze in his throat, beneath the lump that formed there. He just couldn't say it. I killed her and I'm terrified of killing anyone else...

Cara walked away and he watched her go, until she disappeared onto the beach and his view was blocked by the trees.

Overhead, thunder exploded and lighting flashed, making Matthew jump. Immediately, his muscles tensed and he ducked low to the ground, hiding from the gunfire. Rain poured down on his body, soaking him, which didn't make sense. It doesn't rain in Iraq... What's going on?

More gunfire popped, so he ran, ducking behind the cover of a large palm tree. It was another thing that didn't make sense, but he ignored it and kept his head down, desperately wishing he had a rifle. Instead, his hands found the notebook and pen in his pocket. This isn't going to help me! It won't keep me alive, Matt thought. His fingers acted on their own, putting the pen to the paper. Words exploded upon the page before he could stop himself as the rain and the gunfire continued pouring and echoing around him.

I don't know what to do, Mystee. Was I wrong in dating you? In coming back to see you? Were you a fool for putting your trust in me, someone who's so broken? Am I a thief who stole your life away before you had a chance for it to start? Most people never have a chance to find love and yet... You and I, we did. Our love was real. It was passionate and intense, but we loved each other with our whole hearts. I trusted you and you... you trusted me. I could tell you anything. We found each other, found true love when true, unblinded, pure love is so hard to find these days. And now...

Now that love is gone. There's nothing left of you, Mystee. Just a memory. You're just a name in a notebook I'm writing in. Just a page in the story of my life, just a chapter I lived and now it's over.

You're gone. Everything we had is gone. There's nothing left of it, of you anymore. Our love, our relationship... We were so sure of everything, weren't we? We had plans, were going to get married, have kids, start a life... You and I, we didn't think anything could stop us. Nothing did... Nothing except...

Me.

I ended us. Me. I have to live with that for the rest of my life and I don't know if I can do that. All the pain I've endured, all the suffering I've seen... All the war and fighting and death... Those are scars my soul has to bear and it's... It's too much. I thought I was healing, but just when I thought I was getting better, thought I was stable enough to visit you... I found out just how wrong I was.

You knew everything about me. Maybe I didn't share the details, but you could see it in my eyes, couldn't you? I gave you every part of me and didn't hold anything back. Still, you stayed. Those parts of me didn't scare you away like I thought they would. How? How could you love someone like me? So shattered, so broken, so ruined?

I can't change what I did. Mystee, I loved you. I wanted to give you a home and a life and a family. I wanted us to be happy, and to grow old together. I didn't think it would end this way. I certainly never thought I would lose myself and... And kill you.

Now you're gone. You're just a memory... and it's all my fault. I can't even picture what happened or what was going through my mind when I stabbed you. Why did I stab you so many times? What were you thinking? Did you feel betrayed? Terrified? Did you want to kill me? Did you try to fight back?

Why can't I remember?

When I found you, I couldn't stop staring at your body, lying on the floor. That's the moment that it sunk in, that I realized that you were dead, that I killed you. It was the moment I knew everything we'd built, everything we had worked on with us and our relationship, was gone. The dynesty we thought we made was gone...

How could I have thought that? How could I have been so stupid, so niave to think that nothing would stop us? That not even time would break us up?

When Matthew stopped writing, his PTSD attack ended. Thunder exploded and rolled overhead, rain poured on him as the wind viciously blew around him. The wind was strong, almost knocking him off his feet, but he slipped the notebook into his pocket so it wouldn't get wet. His life was like this storm, wrecking everything around him. Smaller trees and bushes were uprooted and lighting struck several of the huts. Some of the areas were flooding and waves violently slammed against the beach. Matthew just stood there, waiting for the storm to take him. Either the storm that was his life, or the one raging around him.

Was he suicidal? Not anymore.

Matthew looked up at the angry sky, blinking against the raindrops stinging his skin and finally, he understood. The storm couldn't knock him down. He stood tall on his feet and though the heavy wind made him sway, though the rain stung his skin and lighting flashed and landed all around him, he stood his ground. No matter what he had done, no matter what storm was all around his life... Matthew still stood.

He could survive the storm.