The Road to....Somewhere???

I Still Loved Her, Just As Much

Ashley's p.o.v.

This morning was no better than last night. 

As I had been falling asleep last night, I had thought that maybe a sleep was just what I needed. I thought that maybe I could wake up, and things would just be better. How very wrong I was. If anything, this morning had been worse. The moment my eyes had opened, everything had come crashing back down on me. It was even harder trying to hide my feelings of confusion and doubt from Logan. I wasn't ready for her to know what was going through my mind. I needed to figure it out before I could ever think of dealing with everything while involving her. 

I had really thought this time was going to be different. I mean, I know there were lies in the beginning, but that was before we had known each other very well. After all that had come out in the open, I thought that things would be better. That she would know that it didn't have to be that way anymore. That I didn't want it to be that way. Thinking she had gotten that was apparently my mistake. Maybe I hadn't been clear enough on the subject. 

These thoughts had me realizing that once again, I was blaming myself. Something I had a tendency to do far to often. I always took the blame, trying to make the other person out to be better than they were. Sadly, I wasn't sure how to change that. 

It really wasn't my fault. At all. It had been common knowledge from the beginning that the truth was the most important thing. In every situation. It had been stated on more than one occasion. There had never once been any indication that telling the truth to me, about anything, would be too horrible of a thing. I wasn't violent, and did not even have the slightest of a bad temper. 

"Ashley." Dylan's voice broke through my thoughts, as she stood in front of me, obviously trying to get my attention.

"Yeah? Sorry, I was just thinking. What ya need?"

"Well, I was asking if you wanted me to pick you up something for lunch. I was fixing to head out, and just thought you might not be wanting to go anywhere. Are you ok?" She was concerned. We weren't the best of friends, but thinking of talking to her, or Cassie, about this situation, she seemed like the better choice. I didn't need to here Cassie's "I told you so's". I wasn't even sure myself if there needed to be any of that yet. 

"Umm, actually, no, I'm not totally."

"You wanna talk about it? I mean, I know we aren't exactly besties, but I don't mind listening." 

So, it all just poured out. Everything I had been thinking and feeling, from the first lie till last night, all came out of me. I hadn't realized how much I needed this. To just sit and talk about everything, with a somewhat non-biased party. It felt so good to be able to say the things I had been thinking. To hear them out loud, and feel them as I spoke them. 

It hurt, hearing what I was saying, but it was helping. It helped to know the depth of the pain I was feeling. Speaking it, I couldn't deny it, or lie to myself about it anymore. I just was having to confront it head on. 

"I know that all of this may seem like no big deal. I'm probably overreacting like crazy. I can't help how I feel though. Even if it's wrong." I finished my explanation of everything that was going on. I knew I was acting like she cheated on me or something, and it wasn't anything that bad, but it was eating me up inside. I just wanted Dylan to think of me not so crazy.

"Hell no. Don't do that. I totally get where you're coming from. I understand how important trust can be. Without it, what kind of relationship can you really have? One question. Do you love her?" Dylan asked.

"I do. I really do. More than I ever could have thought I would love another person."

"Since this has occurred, has that love changed?"

"No." I answered without even having to think. I hadn't realized that fact, but without question, it was true. My love had not changed a single bit throughout this. I was hurt, and confused about some things, but my love for Logan was not one of them.

"So, even though you are upset about this, you still love her. You still want to be with her, right?"

"Of course. No doubts about that at all. I can't imagine my life without her." And it was true. I couldn't even breathe when I thought of her not being there anymore. My heart felt like it was breaking in two when I began to think of it.

"So, talk to her. Tell her how you're feeling. Let her know how much she has hurt you, but how much you still love her, too. You two can work it out. I have seen y'all together. You are perfect for each other. You just have to have more communication going on. That's all."

"Thank you, Dylan. It means a lot that you were here to talk to. Can we keep this between the two of us, please?"

"Of course. I would never say anything to anyone about it. So, you want some food?"

"Yeah. You know what I get from wherever you go. Anything will do." I was feeling better, and food sounded nice.

Even if things were not always perfect between Logan and I, I knew that they would be just fine.

I still loved her, just as much.