The Road to....Somewhere???

Did I Still Love Her

Logan's p.o.v.

Last night was heartbreaking.

The things Ashley told me, and the way I had been making her feel, I just couldn't deal with it all. After crying myself to sleep, and having one of the worst nights sleep in months, I was up early and out the door. I left a note for Ashley, telling her I loved her, and that I had to go into work early. I just couldn't face her.

Sitting at my desk, all I could think about was Ashley and the time we had spent together. All the things we had been through, since the very beginning, and now, it seemed that this was the end. After all that had been put in front of us to tear us apart, and us managing to work through it all, I couldn't see us coming back from this one. It was all my fault, of course, but that didn't make it any more heart wrenching. 

The phone on my desk rang, and all I wanted to do was ignore it. I didn't want to talk to anyone, or deal with anything. My job was to important to me, though, to not handle myself in a businesslike manner. So, I answered the phone.

"Hello. This is Logan. How may I help you?" I answered as professionally as possible.

"Hey baby. Just thought I would give you a call and tell you good morning. I loved seeing you last night, and I was wondering if you'd like to have lunch with me." Lindsey's voice came through the earpiece, shocking the hell out of me with her words.

Last night it was made plainly clear that she was not welcome here, and she had seemed to get the hint. Today, though, she was back to her crazy, oblivious self. 

"Lindsey, I thought we had this conversation last night? Ashley and I made it very clear that you were not welcome in our lives."

"Come on now, Logan. I saw her, and I know she is not who you should be with. She is all corn fed, Midwest bred looking. Square. Your life is not like that. Never has been. You need someone like me. A little crazy, a little drama. Keep things e citing. You have to be bored by now."

As she said these words, they hit a little too close to home. Thinking about how put together Ashley's life was, and how upside down mine had always been, Lindsey seemed to have a point. I had already seen the effects of mi ing my life with hers. It was only a matter of time before I totally ruined her life. 

"Ok. Lunch it is. Where would you like to go?"

"Great. Well, how about I just pick you up. 12 ok with you?"

"Yeah. Sure. I'll see you then." I wasn't sure what I was getting myself into, but at least I knew with Lindsey, I couldn't fuck her up any more than she already was.

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Sitting at the table, eating with Lindsey, seemed so easy. It took me back to the days when her and I were together. How good it had been in the beginning. When I stopped thinking about Ashley, and just concentrated on Lindsey, it all seemed to be ok.

"So what have you been up to since you left?" I asked between mouthfuls of food. I was interested in knowing the details of what she had went through in our time apart.

"Well, after I totally fucked you over, I went a little wild. I had all that money, and I was just living it up. Doing all the drugs I could get my hands on, and hanging out with whoever seemed fun at the moment. It wasn't long, though, before everything went to hell." Lindsey had her head hung, like she was ashamed of the things she was saying. I understood. I would be ashamed if I were in her shoes.

"How did they go to hell?"

"Well, I was out of money, so of course I was out of friends as well. I woke up one day, not sure of where I was or when it was. Everything sort of just hit me right then. It all came crashing down on me about all that I had done. To you, and myself. I wanted to come find you right then and there, but I knew I wasn't ready. I had to get myself cleaned up. So, for the last few months, I have been in a rehab center back home. When I got myself together, I started looking for you. What about you? What all have you been up to?"

"After you..left..I was so angry. I looked for you everywhere. I asked everyone I knew about where you were, but no one would tell me anything. It was like you just fell off the face of the earth, with all of my money in your pocket. I had nothing left really, and a couple of days after you left, I was offered a transfer here. I jumped at the chance to get away, and start over. Not long after moving here, I met Ashley, and we have been together ever since." Bringing Ashley up in the conversation brought the guilt down on me, hard. What in the hell was I doing? I still loved Ashley. What was I doing, sitting here with Lindsey, the cause of all of mine and Ahsley's problems? Even though I knew it was wrong, I didn't want to leave. Once again, I knew that I couldn't fuck Lindsey up, where as I was completely destroying Ashley. 

"I'm sorry. I will never be able to say how sorry I am for what I did to you. I know I was wrong. I'm trying to make up for it now, though. I want to fi  things. Make them better. Get your forgiveness, and try to get us back to where we were back then. In the beginning. I still love you. I never stopped. I got lost somewhere along the way, but I have found my way back."

This was so much to take in. Lindsey sounded so sincere when she was talking. I believed what she was saying. She still loved me, and wanted things back. I, on the other hand, knew that I loved Ashley. I only had one unanswered question lingering about Lindsey.

Did I still love her?