Love Will Find It's Way. {Austlan Cashby} BoyxBoy

Chapter Twenty-Two:How Does It Feel?

Austin's P.O.V:

As the days go by Aaron and Alan grow more distant towards the guys and I. I know why but it's for the best. I can't marry Alan, not yet. I don't think I can go through another marriage without my mom being here. It's too hard for me and I just want her there when I say 'I do' but she wont be and it makes me so angry. It makes me angry because nobody told me she was sick. Nobody told me that her and I had a life threatening disease that would take her life instead of mine. Nobody told me how hard life would be without my mom. Nobody told me anything and that makes me so angry.

I want to spend the rest of my life with Alan, I want nothing more than that but I don't know when I'll ever get the strength and courage to actually make it official. Alan probably hates me right now, I don't blame him though. What I did was a little harsh and I should have explained but I just can't seem to do it.

Is this all a hopeless dream or will I one day live a happy life with the man I love? I don't want to leave Alan though, I can't. He means too much to me and I can't see myself living a life without him in it.

"When are you going to grow a pair of balls and talk to him already?" Aaron says as he passes by me.

I don't even have time to make a snarky remark because he leaves the bus and slams the door shut. Well there goes the only person who was keeping Alan away from me. Now it's just him and I on the bus.

"Aaron you asshole..." Alan stops mid-way through as he sees it's just me.

"Wait. Can I talk to you?" I ask.

He looks at me with a raised eyebrow before reluctantly nodding and sitting down on the couch across from me. I can do this!

"I don't want to get married because it's not, I can't do it." Goddammit Austin.

"I already know that." He spits back harshly.

"No I mean I don't want to get married yet because well, it'll be too hard to without my mom here to see me get married to one of the best people in the world. I know I will be able to eventually but just not now or anytime soon." I explain.

"You think I don't already know that Austin? I'm not expecting us to get married tomorrow or even next year but the thought is enough to give me hope for the future. I'll wait forever until you're ready but please don't leave me." He pleads.

"I would never leave you Alan!" I stand up and so does he.

I open my arms but he doesn't come to me. Instead he puts his head down and starts to cry. Wait why is he crying?

"Alan, what's wrong?" I put my arms to my side and walk over to Alan.

"You're going to hate me. I already hate myself." He says through sobs.

"I can't ever hate you." I say softly.

"I-I uh. Oh god. Aaron brought me to a bar last week and he got me drunk and I slept with some guy and-"

"What?" I ask in disbelief.

"I'm sorry." He cries harder and instead of hugging him in comfort I back away from him.

How could he? How could Aaron allow that? Was our whole relationship a joke? This is my fault though, I pushed him away because I was too much of a bitch to explain my feelings.

"I can't even look at you." It comes out before I can think it over.

"I'm so disgusting." He whispers.

I shake my head and walk away from him. I leave him crying on the bus so I can walk around and think things through before making a big decision that could either ruin the rest of my life or could make me look like a pussy whipped bitch.