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~Unexpectedly Turned

Reviewer: BloodyTurtle

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Unexpectedly Turned

By @ElizabethelizaBlack

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Cover/Blurb/Title

Cover • The cover isn't the best, to be honest. The picture looks as though it was sharped too much, or something similar. The words fuse with the picture a bit, and aren't completely bold. Also, the author name isn't anywhere on it.

Blurb • The blurb isn't extremely eye-catching. It didn't have anything particularly interesting. Also, some grammar mistakes are within it. I recommend you add a quote or something, and maybe think of a more creative way of saying what happens.

Title • The title works for the story. It sounds fine. I wouldn't change it.

Descriptions

The descriptions need lots of work. Some are given, but not much. I can't picture much about the scenery, characters (especially the main), or body language. Also, some of the ways of describing things are odd. You described a character by saying she looked like an anime drawing, but that's extremely odd, as someone can't really look like that. Maybe just add that she appears Japanese and don't say like an anime character.

Characters

The character design, first off, was lacking. I couldn't picture much. Also, the dialogue was a little rough in many places, and it didn't flow well. The personalities aren't extremely distinct, and I felt bored by them due to the fact. Also, the behavior was strange. Kale accepted he was a vampire far too easily, and drinking blood didn't seem like that bad of a thing. He didn't even question the girl much, and he blindly followed her without much thought. These characters feel a little empty.

Plot/General Writing

The plot was nothing new. Just a typical getting used to being a vampire story. But it lacked strong emotion, making it not very good. Going to an academy for it just added to it not being a very creative plot, as many stores are about learning how to control something (in this case vampirism) by going to school and making friends similar to you. The story is too rushed, and it feels like it goes all over the place. Now, the writing felt awkward most of the time. It wasn't worded well, and the sentences didn't flow.

Grammar

The grammar needs a lot of work. Words would be misused and confused for others a few times. Example, using "abstract" instead of "extract." Commas were used in some places they should've been, and they were overused at the same time. Periods should've replaced the commas a lot. Most sentences came off as run-ons. This story really needs an editor. I HIGHLY recommend you hire one on Wattpad.

Reader Engagement

I wasn't very engaged while reading. Nothing extremely interesting occurred, and the ends didn't really make me long for more. The lack of description and frequent grammar just made me want to give up with reading.

Overall

The story needs a lot of work if you'd like this to be great. If you put in the work, you might be able to rectify it. The story just needs some major rewriting and maybe a better direction for the plot then growing used to being a vampire. The characters should be hashed out more, too. I don't mean to be mean, but I'm trying to be honest and not sugar coat. I recommend this for anyone interested in cliche vampire stories.

1 stars out of 5

Good luck, lollipop!