The Journey Home

13 - Broken Girl

Look what he's done to you, it isn't fair

Your light was bright and new, but he didn't care

He took the heart of a little girl and made it grow up to fast

Now words like innocence don't mean a thing

You hear the music play but you cant sing

-Broken Girl by Matthew West

*****

Eileen

It'll be okay. He won't find out, he won't find out.

I watched as my father sat at the other side of the cafe, his eyes set on me. He hadn't visited since the day he found me and I didn't think he would, but he'd been visiting for the past two days. I wasn't worried before, yet now, when I realized my daughter and him where in the same room it felt like I was suffocating. 

I'd texted Alex who had pretty much disappeared since the day I met his sister, but he never texted me back. I wanted him to be with Angie so that I could feel secure that she was safe. My dad wanted to talk and I wasn't sure if there were any words that I could coherently form or that I could even think rationally.

The shattered man sitting there didn't look like the man I once knew. Then again, I wasn't the same either. I tried to appear busy, hoping to avoid any contact with him. My mind was overflowing with thoughts, the voices in my head telling me that I should talk to him. My heart, though, it couldn't handle being broken by rejection again. 

After an eternity, my dad stood and walked towards me. My nerves were overwhelming but I knew that I had to face him at some point. He was my father after all and a part of me knew that he would never let me go.

"I know you don't have any right to ask anything of you, but please, talk to me. I need to explain to you what happened and you need to tell me everything...please." 

The tears in his eyes were indication of exactly how he felt, and I felt a part of me breaking even further. All the pain I had locked away was now staring back at me, taunting me, wanting me to confront it.

"What do you have to say?" I asked, hoping he wouldn't hear my voice break.

"Everything," he said, reaching for my hand. He held it, as a tear left his eyes. "I need to know what happened, princess. I thought I knew hell when your mother left, but since you disappeared I've been living in it. Talk to me, tell me everything, I'll listen."

I laughed, insanity taking over my body. I laughed at the pain of the fact that he cared five years too late. I laughed at my need, at the fact that I still craved his trust. I laughed until my stomach hurt hoping it would somehow take away the torment in my heart. 

"You care now? Yet you still live with him... I needed you to care when I told you, I needed you to care so I wouldn't have to be roaming the streets alone," I said, far calmer than I thought possible. "Why look for me? You thought me a liar, you believed him.. What would it have taken for you to believe me?"

His tearful eyes met my own and I had to look away. It was too much. Facing your past head-on, it was too intense. I had dreamt about this day, a day where I would curse him for the way I was treated but now that he was here I couldn't. I saw the same sorrow within him. 

"He lives with me because I've kept an eye on him," he said after clearing his throat. "I saw differences in his behavior that I didn't see before after you left. I had to be sure he wouldn't find you. I want to know how it happened, Eileen... I need to know."