The Journey Home

19 - Regrets and Discoveries

TRIGGER WARNING

Walking through life unnoticed
Knowing that no one cares
Too consumed in their masquerade
No one sees her there
-Everything Burns by Ben Moody & Anastasia

*****

Alexander

The day was just as dark and gloomy as my mood. As much as I wanted to throw Lucas out of the window sometimes, I had to respect him. He put up with my shit more than even I could. I was frustrated to no end, even resorting to buying a dart board just to puncture something repeatedly. 

I wasn't good with controlling my anger, never was. 

But this, whatever the hell this ache was, was not just anger.

It hurt like a bitch. 

"Jesus Christ, man. You look like shit." 

Lucas walked into the house, throwing whatever he had bought on the floor.

"Thanks," I muttered. "I feel it too."

"Did you do what you were going to do today?" he asked, taking a seat on the sofa across from mine. 

"Yeah, it's done." 

I discovered that when I'm not in the best mood I either drink or spend money. I'd done enough drinking and was through with hangovers, so this time I decided to spend money. On Angie's tuition.

Was Eileen going to be pissed about it? Yeah, more than likely it would ruin the very remote chance we had together. Angie had become an important part of my life though, and I couldn't picture a life in which she wasn't at least somewhat present. It's crazy that I had discovered with  a child that wasn't biologically mine that kids truly are capable of changing a persons life. 

The wind outside raged, warning us of the storm to come. The days are horrible, but nights, those are the worst. It's when my mind decided to think of the 'what ifs' and 'why's.' Instead of sleeping, I would bury myself in work to avoid that feeling of emptiness that had invaded me. 

What sounded like a knock at the door forced my attention away from the TV I was blankly staring at, but soon it went away. I was sure that it was nothing more than the wind and rain, but when the knock was louder I glanced at Luke who looked just as surprised.

"Are you expecting someone?" I asked him as I stood up.

He shook his head. "No, it must be for you. You haven't called Victoria have you?"

I ignored his remark and I opened the door, surprised to see the trembling woman in front of me. Angela was wrapped up in a raincoat, while Eileen wasn't wearing anything but some soaked jeans and a long sleeve shirt. Lucas followed behind, and as soon as he saw how bad Eileen looked he took hold of Angela, taking her to the living room where she wouldn't see her mother in such state. Eileen looked completely undone, she looked like she'd gone insane. Her eyes were puffy and red and her face was drained of all color.

"I-I don't know, I, I'm crazy and I'm a fucking hand-dful. You need to help me, p-please. I can't do this on my own, I n-need your help, Alex. P-please."

I pulled her into my embrace. She was cold and wet. It was obvious she'd walked all the way here in the middle of the storm. Despite not seeing her in over a week and how horrible our last encounter had been, I cared about her. Something was terribly wrong.

"What's going on?" I asked, her hands tight fists on my now wet shirt.

"T-this, my life is a mess," she hiccuped. "I c-can't, I can't breathe, I c-ca-"