The Journey Home

26 - Losing My Soul

Dedicated to @MarillaGarden @BrookeN66 for being so invested to the point of threatening me lol.

Dedicated to @AutumnWinters221for exchanging depressing music with me! 

Listen to the song!

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1 Week Later...

Alexander

I looked at the people gathered. It's surreal, knowing how in an instant your whole life can change, your whole life as you know it can end. You never realize how fragile life is until you're faced with the reality of it.

The sky was clear, beautiful, just as she always liked it. It made me smile. It's stupid, it's ironic. I'd known pain before, when I lost my parents, but this pain, this fucking pain- there were no words to describe it. It's fucking agonizing. It tears you up from the inside out. It eats you alive. I could walk up there, I could stand up in front of all those people and pretend to be fucking okay. Nothing was okay. Nothing would ever be okay again.

I saw Luke walking my way, his sunglasses on so no one could see his grief. He could hide it from the people here, but not from me. We both felt it, in different ways. Raymond was in his wheelchair, just staring at the casket in front of them. Despite his injuries, he insisted he be there. He felt guilty.

I shared that guilt.

We all shared it.

If only we would have made it on time.

If only...

"Hey man. You need to get up there. We're waiting for you."

I scoffed, shaking my head. How could I stand up there and act like I had my shit together? Sure, Gerald was dead, but that had hardly accomplished anything. He didn't get half of what he deserved. Even dead, he managed to take more from us than we could have ever taken from him. He stole everything. He fucking claimed people's lives without any mercy, without any compassion.

"Alex, look, I know you don't want to do this but you have to. She wouldn't have liked you to be like this, you know that."

"It's her fucking birthday today," I told him. "It's her fucking birthday."

"I know, man. I know but-"

"But what?" I asked, gripping tightly at the ends of my hair. I wanted the pain to take this away, but nothing was helping.

"You need to keep it together."

"Like you?"

Luke sighed, taking off his glasses, showing his bloodshot eyes. This was the first time I saw him broken, my best friend, my brother. Gerald fucked us all over.

"It's her fucking birthday today," I hissed, lowering my voice. "It's her fucking birthday, this wasn't how this shit was supposed to turn out, this," I said, motioning towards the people grieving, "This is not what it was supposed to be like."

"I know," Luke said, lowering his gaze. "There's nothing we can do, Alex. She's dead."

"And you think I don't know that? You think that this doesn't haunt me? Every fucking day?"

Luke turned away, focusing on Marty, who was sniffling, his hand on Raymond's shoulder. There's stinging in my eyes, I realize. And my face felt wet. Tears. Fucking tears. I wiped them off angrily, forcefully.

"I was supposed to be proposing right now, Luke. I was supposed to be asking her to marry me."

Luke nodded, avoiding my gaze.