The Journey Home

36 - Is this real?

We'll have the days we break
And we'll have the scars to prove it
We'll have the bombs that we saved
But we'll have the heart
Not to lose it

-Marching On by OneRepublic

******

Eileen

"Are you okay?" My dad asked for the hundredth time. I had been playing with my food during breakfast and then once again during lunch. I wasn't hungry.

"Yeah," I mumbled. "I'm just not hungry."

"Why?" 

Because Alex and I are a mess.

"I don't know." Shrugging, I stood up and poured myself a glass of water. The past weeks had been hectic. Alex and I hadn't defined our situation but we both knew we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. He'd visit every night and though we would talk about our day, we wouldn't really do much other than have sex. 

With him having started a new job as a professor, he was busy most of the day. I had started my college classes as well, and though I was taking all online courses, I felt utterly drained. I wanted to make time to have a meaningful conversation with Alex but wasn't sure if he was even interested.

We were slowly distancing each other as we avoided talking about our issues. I felt like he didn't trust me after the incident with Luke and Addie. That fall out had proved challenging for everyone. 

"Eileen?" My dad called me again, and I turned to find his worried face. "What's going on? You've been out of it."

"I'm just tired, daddy."

He pressed his lips together, not believing me but didn't push for more. Instead, he stood up, once again leaning on the cane that he was much too young to even have, and embraced me. 

"Sometimes I'm scared to wake up and realize that you're not here. It seems surreal to have you with me." 

I smiled, returning his hug. 

"But you need to eat, dear. Is there anything that you want me to cook for you?" He asked, once again worried.

"No dad, I think I'm actually going to go back to sleep before working on my homework again." 

I went to my bed and curled up, quickly drifting away. 

******

After working arduously on my homework and even getting ahead, the day became a blur. I tried distracting myself but the only thing on my mind was that I needed this situation with Alex cleared out. I needed stability. If there was anything to save between us it had to be the both of us to put all our effort to save it.

My dad and Nicole insisted on driving me or that I take their car, but I decided to take a cab instead.

I needed a job, I realize. I considered taking back the job with Marty, I missed him after all and wanted to see him as often as before. I knew that he wouldn't hesitate to take me back in even if I kept eating all the pastries.

The cab pulled up to Alex's house. Nerves invaded every part of me when I saw Julia's car parked there. I trusted him, though. He said he wasn't with her and I believed him.

Nothing was happening between them, that I knew, but it still hurt to know that she was here. I pushed aside the fear and jealousy and opened the door.