Talent...and what to do with it

Chapter 8: Jess

I was nervous while I waited for him to finish running. He'd tried to talk me out of helping him with his work. I owed him but I didn't want to say the wrong thing and reinforce his perception that he was stupid. Or worse make him mad at me for humiliating him. That's why I was nervous. It had nothing to do with that moment in my room when it was almost as if we were about to kiss, but that must have been all in my imagination, mustn't it? We'd seemed normal with each other when we met up for training. So it must have been all in my head.
I expected him to sit in the row in front of me, like always, but today when he left the track he strode to my row of seats and claimed the seat next to me. I shivered, but it wasn't because of the cold. The plastic seats were just a little too close together so that when he reached into his back pack to get out his books his arm brushed mine.
"What the hell are you eating?"
I laughed. I loved the way he could interrupt my train of thought so easily. "It's falafel." I held it out to him and he reeled back.
"It looks revolting." He pulled out a pasty and demolished it in seconds.
"You are such a northerner, Jonah Taylor."
"Hey, pasties aren't even northern. You don't know what you're talking about. Just cos I don't like the look of your lunch...I mean it's so weird I can't even tell what it's made of."
"It's a vegetarian chickpea thing."
"Like I said, sounds revolting."
"Aren't you even going to try it?" Again I held it out to him and suddenly everything around us felt very quiet and still. I noticed how close we were to each other. I realised that if he took a bite of my lunch it would feel strangely like we were flirting with each other. I lowered the pitta bread and leant back. "Anyway, what's this homework about?"
He stared at me a second longer, then seemed to accept my change of subject. "Fractions. You have to find the equivalent fractions and decimals."
I tried not to show my surprise at how simple the work was. I took the sheet and pretended to study it like it was harder than it was.
He nudged me, sending shockwaves through my body. "Jess, you don't have to kid me that it's difficult, just to make me feel better. Just tell me what you'd do." He'd spoken softly, and then he laughed. "Better still, why don't you just tell me the answers and I'll hand it in and forget about it?"
That would have been the easy option. Just because I could do maths didn't mean that I could teach it. Quite the opposite actually. But I owed Jonah more than that so I set about trying to explain it without giving away the answers. I drew little drawings and broke up a chocolate bar I had in my bag. I tried to ignore the fact our heads were so close together I could feel the heat of his breath as we bent over the page. Somehow I think he got a rudimentary understanding of fractions and managed to fill out all the answers.
"Well done! You finished it!" I shut up as I realised I probably sounded patronising.
He smiled slowly at me. "Yeah, so now's the time we hug, right?"
I blushed. So he still remembered that awkward hug after I'd run round the lake, did he? He was still smiling and felt far too close for comfort. I stood up and laughed a fake laugh while I busied myself trying to stuff my things back in my bag. "No need for physical contact!" I put on a stupid prim voice for a joke that fell flat. I wished I hadn't said it because now all I could think about was physical contact. He was still watching me in a way that made me feel utterly self-conscious, but I was trapped, as if my body didn't seem to realise I needed to escape fast before I made a complete fool of myself. He stood up slowly, still with his eyes locked on me.
He didn't hug me. Instead he touched my hand where it rested on the back of the seat in front of me. It felt even more intimate than the hug had. It was like the other day in my bedroom again. I was caught in his spell.
"But seriously, Jess, thank you. You've really helped today and you haven't judged me or laughed at me. Thank you." For once he didn't smile. He looked deadly serious and I thought I could melt in the look from those eyes.
I edged my hand away and coughed, breaking the moment. "It's alright." Was the only response I could manage. He nodded to me and walked off, leaving me feeling dazed and wondering how I would cope spending a whole evening in his company.
On the evening of the date I stared at my wardrobe as if seeing it for the first time. It was basically full of T-shirts, jumpers and jeans. I had no idea what to wear, but I was pretty sure that there was nothing here that would look vaguely right in The Duke. If Dad had known where the concert was being held there was no way he would have let me to go. Not that he really wanted to anyway. The Duke was notorious for being an easy place for kids to get served and, allegedly, to buy drugs. It was the bar all the cool kids said they'd been to. Of course, it wasn't a place I had ever been near.
I had to keep telling myself this wasn't a real date. I decided to stop dithering and just go for a black T-shirt and jeans. I pulled my hair up into a high ponytail in an attempt to make myself look older, but it might have had the opposite affect. I put on some lip gloss (the most make-up I ever wore), and I noticed my hand was shaking. I reminded myself that Jonah had only asked me out to wind up my Dad. But in truth I wasn't sure what to believe. There was definitely a tension between us. We'd carried on working on the homework together and I was beginning to feel slightly less on edge around him. But still, there was a weird tension between us that unsettled me. I didn't like the way my heart lifted when he arrived to collect me.
On the way to the gig he sprawled on the bus seat in front of me, his long legs slung out across the seat. He looked so handsome and so mature in his faded T-shirt and jeans. More than that he was comfortable in his skin in a way I doubted I would ever be. I started to feel awkward as I took in the full gorgeousness of him. I felt like his kid sister. I wanted to get off that bus there and then and return to my desk. But instead I somehow managed to be brave and attempt conversation.
"So have you seen DJ Kane before?" I had never heard of the guy before Jonah had mentioned him, but I'd done my research.
He stared forward before flicking a glance at me, "Yeah, I used to go to his gigs quite often in Manchester. My Dad used to take me to them before Kane hit the big time, you know?  When he used to play seedy pubs."
I smiled. "Yeah, because The Duke of Hearts is an extremely salubrious establishment." Then because I was still nervous and he was being quiet again I blurted out, "Your dad? I didn't know he was around."
He scowled and looked away. I wished I'd kept my mouth shut. Of course I didn't know anything about his dad. He had told me nothing about his family, and I had no idea about his life.
"Yeah, well he's not around anymore. He was dumb enough to get sent away."
Sent away? I was pretty sure that meant prison, but the look on Jonah's face meant I wasn't about to ask for clarification. So instead I just said I was sorry.
"Don't be. He wasn't much of a dad. About the best thing he did was taking me to those gigs. But looking back I mean, what kind of man takes an eleven year old to a dive of a pub?"
He had that angry look again for a second. The one that made me remember that he had probably experienced things I couldn't even imagine. Then he seemed to shake himself out of it and smiled at me and started to talk about the plot of some film he'd seen. It was an admirable effort, but it still didn't ring true. He stopped talking half way through a sentence.
"What?" I asked.
He smiled sheepishly. "I just listened to myself and realised how daft I sounded." He looked at his feet. "The thing is Jess, you make me nervous."
I laughed out loud. "I make you nervous?"
He nodded, joining in my laughter. "You make me more nervous than anyone I have ever met."
"I have no idea why. But thanks for that. I suppose." I laughed again at his weird statement. I didn't know whether I should be flattered or not, but I liked the way he was so open with me. The contrast to my preferred habit of second-guessing everything was refreshing. All the tension between us seemed to disappear and we were still laughing as we got off the bus and headed to the pub.
I was almost disappointed by how ordinary the mythical "Duke" seemed. The line of people queuing to get in stopped it seeming in anyway like the dark, sinister place of my imagination. Jonah calmly walked past the queue, had a quiet word with the bouncer and we were in. 
It was dark and loud and smelt of years of stale smoke that it seemed couldn't be eradicated by a mere smoking ban. It was also very busy. I gaped around me, but Jonah just kept on walking, leaving me to rush along behind him as he pushed his way through the crowds.  He stopped suddenly and grabbed my hand. "Sorry, I was losing you back there," he shouted over the throb of the speakers. I think I probably had my mouth open. I was holding hands with Jonah Taylor in public and it felt amazing. I was glad of the dark lighting because I knew I was blushing all over. Even so I think he guessed my crush because he looked down at me and laughed and I found I was laughing too. Even if the night ends now I thought, it's still been the best night of my life.
It turned out Jonah was leading me to the bar. "What do you want?" He leaned close to my ear and I felt his breath on my cheek and I shivered despite the sweaty heat of the place.
"What are you having?" I yelled back on tiptoes, suddenly brave enough to put my hands against his chest as I did so. His chest felt very firm. I saw his eyes glance down to my hands then back to meet mine. "A beer. But you don't drink do you?" He smiled, but for once I didn't think he was mocking me.
He was right: I didn't drink, but tonight I wasn't me. "A beer would be great."
So we stood there leaning against the bar, watching the dancers, with our pints in plastic cups, me drinking even though the beer was disgusting, I gulped it because I wasn't sure what else to do with myself. I liked the music. Its hypnotic beat was interlaced with sweet tunes, some vaguely familiar, some not. I liked watching the people, too, figuring out who was with who and who wanted to be with who. It was too loud to talk and it didn't feel like we needed to. I felt comfortable and confident standing close to him.
Jonah put his pint down and put his hand on my arm. Was there supposed to be this much electricity every time a guy touched you? He shouted something, which might have been, "Do you wanna dance?" but I would never know, because a girl suddenly had her arms round his waist and was looking up at him, laughing. She was wearing cool, printed leggings and an edgy-looking black top with cut-away sleeves. Her hair hang straight and shiny down her back and her lips were red and smiling up at him. It was Lauren Jepson.
She had changed her look from the one she usually sported at school and it had taken me a moment to recognise her without her army of clones. It looked to me like she was about to kiss Jonah.
Then Chloe Richman appeared behind her, every inch as polished and glamourous as Lauren. They looked twenty-five, while I suddenly felt about twelve years old in my New Look t-shirt and jeans. I couldn't hear what Lauren was saying but judging by the way they all kept sliding glances at me, it was obviously about me. Jonah was leaning close to her now, offering to buy her a drink, just like he'd done for me. I had been kidding myself when I thought we had something special. They looked right together: both tall and dark with that effortless cool that I knew couldn't be learnt.
I started to walk away. "Hey!" He grabbed my arm. "Where are going?"
"Just to the loo." I shouted without stopping.
I suppose I wasn't overly surprised when Lauren followed me into the toilets. I looked up from washing my hands to find her glaring at me in the mirror. I wished I had a barbed put down and the cool to deliver it, but as usual in moments of stress I went quiet so she had plenty of opportunity to attack.
"I want to know what you think you are doing hanging around with my boyfriend."
Her boyfriend? Jonah couldn't be her boyfriend. He didn't have a girlfriend. Did he? I was lost for words still, which seemed to wind her up even more.
She leant over me, putting her face up to mine.
"What are you doing hanging around with Jonah Taylor, brainbox?"
"I...I don't hang around with him."
"Bull. You're here now aren't you? If I'd known the extra ticket was for you, I wouldn't have let him have it."
The ticket had come from her? Why would Jonah do that? Of course he wasn't interested in me. It was all an elaborate joke. Maybe Dad had even paid him to bring me along on his date with Lauren, as part of the "find Jess a personality quick" experiment. If so, Dad was a better actor that I'd realised. I could have sworn he didn't want me to come out with Jonah.
"But that's not all." Lauren was still talking, pointing a red talon at me as she spoke. "You've been seen with him. You go to his training sessions. What's going on?"
I could tell her I was helping him with his homework, but I knew he'd hate that. Besides the real truth was that I had no idea what was going on between Jonah and me.
Suddenly I was sick of this roller coaster. Ever since he'd claimed that seat on the bus thirty-two days ago (not that I had been counting), nothing had been simple. I had lost my equilibrium. Everything had become a drama. Every time I thought I understood him, I realised I had got it wrong, and tonight I had got it spectacularly wrong. Here I was being yelled at in some stinky public toilet and for what? I tried to stand taller. I took a breath and found myself thinking how Jonah looked when he was being calm and confident. Again it was all about Jonah. Had he become my life now?
"Look, Lauren." I was pleased when my voice came out sounding calmer than I'd expected. "I sometimes go to Jonah's training. But I didn't ask to and it doesn't bother me if I don't ever again. I didn't know he was your boyfriend. If I had known that it probably wouldn't make any difference anyway. I don't even know him very well. If you want him not to see me anymore then you'd better talk to him, but as far as I am concerned I would be very happy if he left me alone."
In that second I believed every word I said. I was exhausted by the analysing of every expression, every word. And all this time he'd seen me, at best as a kid sister and at worst as the inconvenient part of earning some money. And he was going out with the most notorious girl in the school. Tonight I had been out with one of the popular kids for a whole wonderful twenty-nine minutes and now here was Lauren to remind me that I really, really didn't belong in this world. I was numb. A numbness that I knew would turn to pain if I let it. Jonah was the cause of that pain. Anyway, I must have spoken with conviction when I said I was sick of him, because Lauren looked a little bit flustered. I took my chance and walked away but she shouted after me, "And that better be the whole story."
Of course I wasn't telling the whole story. I would be relieved not to see him again. And devastated. I was angry with him. I had been content before I had met him. Then, with Dad's help,Jonah had come along and made me like him.  He had flirted with me but it was just a laugh to him, messing with the geek's head, and here he was with Lauren. The thought of them together was sickening. I wanted to erase all memory of him and go back to how my life had been before. It had been simple then.
Lauren's words stung, but I didn't want to let her see that. I walked away. I just wanted to leave and give up on this hopeless attempt to have a friend and be normal. But I knew Jonah deserved more than me leaving without saying goodbye. However much I had misinterpreted everything, he had still been nothing but sweet and kind towards me.
I went back to the bar. I hung back as he chatted and danced with the others. I watched as he slung an arm round Roxy's neck and laughed at something she said. I watched as Lauren sidled next to him and danced with him. And I saw how stupid I had been. Jonah hadn't treated me any differently than he did Lauren's friends; I was the one who had read more into it and it was clear he and Lauren were together, just like she'd said.
Finally I had seen enough. I tapped him on the shoulder, and stood on tiptoes to tell him I was leaving. He frowned. "What? We haven't been here long. We haven't even had a dance yet."
"It's nearly ten. I'm going."
I caught a glimpse of Lauren's gleeful face as I pushed my way to the exit. I didn't realise he had followed me until I got to the door.
"What's going on, Jess?" It was still loud, so he had to stand close to me. "I'm not letting you go home on your own."
Oh, right. Of course, he was too chivalrous for that. "Look, Jonah, I don't feel too well. I'll just get a taxi. You don't need to leave now, you'll miss the rest of the gig."
He ignored me and grabbed my elbow, steering me out to the street. "You are not getting a cab on your own."
"I'll ring my dad, then."
He frowned, clearly not impressed with this idea either. I didn't care, I just wanted to get away from here, from him.
A taxi pulled up, and before he could react I had pulled the door open and jumped in. I turned to say goodbye to him, only to find he had slid onto the seat next to me.
"What are you doing, Jonah?"
"Making sure you get home safe." He gave the cab driver my address and settled back. "Are you feeling any better yet?"
"What?" I didn't mean to snap at him, but I really wanted to be left alone to inspect the last few weeks, and cringe at every moment when he must have been trying not to laugh at my obvious crush. Having him sitting so close to me that I could feel the slight pressure of his thigh against mine when we turned a corner, didn't help me at all.
"You said you felt ill."
"Mmm. Yeah, I've got a headache."
"Didn't you like the music?"
"Not really," I lied. I'd really enjoyed it until Lauren had arrived. "It's probably what's given me the headache. Do you mind if we don't talk? It's making it worse." And it felt a lot easier to watch the rain slide down the window, than to look at him and remember what a fool I had been. I curled closer to the door and away from him. He was staring forward into the night. He was uncharacteristically quiet and I had no idea what he was thinking.
The cab drew up at my house quicker than I expected. I fumbled for my purse, but he pulled some money out and paid the driver. "I'll get it Jonah... hang on." He glowered at me, as if the suggestion he shouldn't pay was insulting. I got out as fast as I could and slammed the door in case he followed me. "Well, thanks for taking me, see you soon, Jonah."
He leant out of the window. "Hang on, I'll walk you to the door."
I laughed hollowly. "No need, You get back to the bar and the others. If you're quick you'll still catch the end." I couldn't imagine how annoyed Lauren would be about him disappearing off with me.
"I suppose so, it doesn't really matter." I couldn't tell what he was cross about. Probably it was because I had made him feel he ought to leave and he'd had to miss the rest of the set. "See you Monday, though?"
"Oh, for training, yes of course, see you then."
"And you promised to help me with that decimal work at lunchtime, remember?"
"Yes, sure. No problem." I wondered why he was so persistent. He wasn't usually so keen to study.
"Come on mate, are we going or not?" The taxi driver wasn't in the mood to hang around, which suited me.
Jonah looked irritated, but I couldn't tell whether it was with the taxi driver or with me.
I hurried indoors without looking back. Mum and Dad were in the lounge when I let myself in. "Did you have fun, love?" Mum called out, trying to sound casual about it. I couldn't count on my voice coming out normal so I said nothing and started to head upstairs. But of course, they couldn't leave me be. Mum came to the bottom of the stairs, followed by Dad. "Jessica, is anything wrong?"
"No, not really." But my voice cracked as I spoke.
Mum moved closer. "What happened?"
I shrugged. "Nothing really."
Dad exploded then. "What's he done? I knew he wasn't to be trusted! If he's hurt you..."
I turned round and glared at him. My dad was to blame for all of this. "You knew he wasn't to be trusted? You were the one who pushed me to go training with him." I paused as a new thought coming to mind, "Did you pay him to take me?"
Dad looked shocked, I don't think he'd seen me like this before. I don't think I had seen me like this.
"Of course I didn't, Jessica. You heard us at dinner the other night. I didn't want you to go out with him."
"What do you mean? You paid him to take me running didn't you?"
"You know you have to do these things if you want to achieve your goals."
I guessed it was his way of admitting to what he'd done. I caught a glance of myself in the hall mirror and saw tears running down my cheeks that I hadn't noticed falling.
Dad started ranting now. "I knew he would be a distraction. I should never have let this happen. How are you going to be able to get ready for the exams and the interview when you're feeling like this?"
It was the last thing I needed to hear. I ran up the stairs to my room and slammed the door, for once not caring if I woke Amelia. I threw myself on the bed and tried to hold back the sobs, but my breathing became more and more ragged. I tried to suck in a gulp of air. It just made it worse. I couldn't breathe. Then Mum burst in and put her arms round my shoulders. She stroked my hair, while I desperately tried to breathe.
I heard Dad's voice dimly. "Look what he's done to you. I didn't give him any money to take you out tonight Jessica, believe me; I would never have let you go if I thought this is what would happen. Listen to me, Jessica. Keep away from him. I won't have anyone making my daughter ill like this."
Somewhere in my screwed up brain, I knew that Dad was looking for an excuse to get rid of Jonah. I wondered if Dad saw Jonah as a threat to our exclusive world of two. It wasn't very long ago that it was all about me and Dad and our after dinner maths challenges. I used to spend the whole day pondering the challenge he had set me the night before, and would eagerly anticipate revealing to Dad my answer. I used to revel in Dad's amazement when I confidently explained the solution to each seemingly unsolvable challenge. I had been happy for Dad to make the decisions for my future, too, he had always known best. But without even noticing all that had begun to slip away. We had missed more and more maths challenge evenings and somehow I wasn't quite comfortable in the role of his little wanna-be professor anymore. I didn't know whether it was because I was seeing Dad in a new way. Maybe I was seeing him through Jonah's eyes, or maybe it was just because I was growing up.
I knew Dad thought the worst of Jonah after our night out, and as my breathing began to return to normal, I slowly realised that letting Jonah take the full blame was the answer. I wouldn't have to see Jonah again if I took the lifeline Dad was offering. I ignored the guilty feeling that I knew Jonah was only part of the problem. I was terrified that my life was slipping out of my control. I had to get my focus back on my studies and the interview, because what else did I have?  And at that moment I was quite happy for Jonah to take the rap.
Mum sensed I was calmer. "Jess, did he...did he hurt you somehow? Is there anything we should do?"
I knew what she was getting at, and I was ashamed that I could have let them believe anything so awful of Jonah. I shook my head and felt a tear drip down the side of my face. "No, Mum, nothing like that. I just feel humiliated, that's all. I'll be fine if I get some sleep."
I heard them later when I was lying in bed exhausted but struggling to sleep. I heard Dad saying how he knew Jonah was no good, and how a leopard couldn't change his spots. He seemed to know a lot more about Jonah's past than I did. I told myself that I didn't want to know anymore anyway.
I had spent my life being told I was clever, but my idiocy was fully revealed that night: I had let myself believe that he liked me, when all along he was going out with the toughest girl in school. So I lay there and dissected everything that had happened between us, and recast it in the light of what I now knew. He had done nothing wrong. He had taken the job Dad had offered. He had even become my friend. I believed that that was real at least. But my reaction to Lauren's revelation told me that I couldn't handle being just his friend, I made my decision. I had to forget him. So I promised myself I would.
The next day Dad was desperate to find out what had gone on with Jonah. But Mum must have stopped him from asking too many questions because Dad decided to control the situation by coming up with a plan. He would organise for my extra classes to be stepped up so I could avoid Jonah and refocus. He would threaten to withdraw me from school if they didn't comply. The school wanted the good press that would hit when I got accepted at Cambridge, and Dad was pretty sure that with so little time to go they would be prepared to invest in me. Mum would give me a lift to school so I could avoid Jonah on the bus.
It was the easy way out. I would hardly see Jonah and I could return to my peaceful life. It was tempting but it didn't feel quite right. I owed him an explanation at least. But what was there to explain? By Sunday evening I had made up my mind. I would meet him one last time.
I got to the park early. He frowned when he saw me, and quickened his pace. "Why aren't you wearing your running stuff, Jess?"
I stopped myself from inhaling his delicious scent, I told myself to ignore the way he said my name in that lilting accent, and I didn't once look him in the eyes. I explained that I was going to have to stop the training and the meetings at lunchtime. He looked baffled.
"But why? When it was going so well?"
"I need to focus on preparing for the exam. The school is organising extra lessons, I just won't have time."
He didn't seem to know what to say. He was probably worrying about missing out on the income from my dad, I reminded myself.
"Yeah, actually I have to get to school early today to sort out the lessons, so I'm going to head off now."
"Now? What about that decimal work?"
"Sorry Jonah, I just don't have time to do it." I admired the way I was managing to keep my voice calm and emotionless. I risked a glance at his face and wished I hadn't. He was studying me intensely.
"I don't believe you."
"What?"
"I know you well enough to know when you're lying. There's more to this. You were weird the other night. What's really going on?"
I liked that he saw through me, even as I wished he would just take what I was saying at face value. "I've told you what's going on."
He shook his head and stepped towards me. I could feel my resolve weakening, and then I remembered that he was Lauren's boyfriend, and at best he probably just felt sorry for me. At worst he was just worried about his job. "You better get on with your training, Jonah. Bye."
I walked out of the park and even then, I had to stop myself going back and telling him I would miss him, and that our early mornings and lunchtimes together had become the highlight of my day and I that suspected I still wouldn't be able to find any peace without him around. But I kept on walking. I decided to think the worst of him, which felt like the only way to survive.
When I got to school I opened my bag and saw his homework book lurking at the bottom. That was my concentration shot for the morning. It was like he was haunting me, and I knew I had to get his book away from me as soon as I could. I headed over to the LU at break time, planning to hand it in to Mrs Pollack, but on the way over there I saw him waiting in line to get a snack. I must enjoy torturing myself, because I decided to get it over with and go up to him. He caught me off guard by smiling that amazing smile of his at me, but then I spotted Lauren and the others arriving, which made it easy to thrust the book into his hands and escape.