Talent...and what to do with it

Chapter 21: Jonah

I walked back to Max's without really noticing where I was going. I was awestruck by how amazing Jess had been. She had quietly accepted everything about my screwed up life, told her parents she wanted to be with me and she wasn't fazed about visiting Mum in hospital. She was totally awesome and I couldn't believe how lucky I was. I lost count of the number of things I liked about her. I loved her dry humour and her quiet wisdom, I loved the way she looked so delicate but had all that hidden strength, and I even loved the way she could put me in my place with one word or look. I loved the idea of being able to kiss her whenever I wanted. I was beginning to wonder if I just loved her. The idea didn't freak me out like it ought to. She was Jess. Of course I loved her.
So when I walked in the house and found Max in the kitchen chewing toast, I decided I might as well take her advice.
"You alright mate?" he nodded to me.
"Yeah, listen, thanks for going to see Mum. She really appreciated it."
"No problem at all. It's just great to see her looking so much better."
I leant against the worktop. "Yeah."
"You don't sound so sure. What's wrong?"
For a moment I couldn't get the words out. How could I ask Max to do even more for us? But I reminded myself of the alternatives and bit the bullet. "I...I don't know what to do when they want to send her home." I glanced at him but he just took another bite of toast and looked at me in that way he had which made me keep on talking despite myself. "The thing is I've been looking online. If she starts drinking again, with the drugs they have to give her...well...it would be game over."
Max just nodded as if all the disasters of the world could be sorted in his hands. "I know. Getting her better is going to take a long time. If she was a celebrity we would just book her into a detox clinic and get on with our lives, but we can't. Besides, I know you wouldn't do that. I know how much you care for your mum and I know how responsible you feel for her."
"That's the trouble." I spoke quietly so he could barely hear my confession. "I don't want to look after her all the time. I want to make it to qualifiers. I want to make something of myself and I don't see how I can when she gets out of hospital." I spoke to my trainers. "I guess that makes me totally selfish."
"No, Jonah, that makes you a sixteen year old. You're supposed to be getting on with your life and making plans for the future. I know you're ambitious and you have to make the most of the chances you've got right now." He paused then looked directly at me with a small smile. "What's this about a girl as well? Serious is it?"
I smiled then for a second – just the thought of Jess made me feel better. "Yeah, I think it could be. Did Lauren tell you?"
"Yep, she said she'd sent you off to win her back the other night. Looks like you've worked things out, then?"
I smiled. "I guess I kind of owe Lauren for that one. Jess is great. I want to be with her all the time." I stopped myself from going off into a Jess daydream. "It's not just that. The school reckon I have podium potential. Do you know what that means? I could be running for England, maybe even at the Olympics. That's massive. I can't get my head round it. But I know I want it." I sighed. "Trouble is I know that I couldn't live with myself if I made the England squad and abandoned Mum. But if I don't push to do the running, where will I end up? No qualifications and a discipline problem. I don't exactly look like an ideal employee. There's not much hope is there?"
Max put his plate down. "There's always hope, Jonah. Always. Whatever happens you are always going to amount to something. You might not be able to see how things will turn out yet, but Jonah, you have a lot of passion and a big heart. You have always cared a lot, and in the time I've known you I've been impressed with how you've smiled through the knockbacks. Stop listening to the labels you've given yourself. You're a good man and I for one would be proud to call you my son." I stayed silent, a little choked at his words. "I know you think you've screwed up in the past, but you were a kid and it wasn't your choice. You were dragged into an adult world. But you've proved yourself since. And I have no doubt that whatever you decide to do you will do it well."
I tried to imagine myself as he described me. It was difficult. But even with his faith in me, I knew I couldn't care for Mum on my own. "The thing is Max...I was kinda wondering..." I scratched my head. He just smiled.
"Are you asking for some help?"
"I know I shouldn't. You don't owe us anything,"
He put his hand on my shoulder. "You and Shelley will always be family. If you are OK with it, and if she agrees, I think it would be best for her move into the spare room upstairs, at least for the first few months. That way there's more of us around to help her and keep her company and you could probably let your Granddad's place out and get a pretty good income from it."
"You'd do that? After all we've put you through?"
"I loved her once and it's hard to let go of that, even after everything. I want things to turn out well for you both. I'd be happy to help."
I gave him a clumsy hug. No one had done as much for me as this man.
"So, when am I going to meet this girl of yours?"
I knew I was grinning again.
He whistled. "Jonah Taylor, I never thought I'd see you all loved up."
I smiled. "Yeah, I suppose that pretty much describes it. Come to the race on Saturday and you can meet her."
"I think I'll do that." He moved past me to head upstairs. "Jonah, let me carry some of the weight of your worry for a while. I am really happy to help your mum get better, and whatever has happened, or will happen, we are family, Don't forget that."
Again his words had made me feel a bit choked up. He didn't know what it meant to me to feel like part of a family.
I hadn't even checked that Jess was coming on Saturday. I had just assumed she would be there to support me. She had started coming to the early morning training sessions again and always asked about my times so I figured she was interested. I rang her to tell her about Max's offer. It said a lot about her that even though I knew she wanted me to get as far away from Lauren as I could, she was still pleased for me that Mum and I would have some help.
After we had talked for a bit she said, "So do you want to come over after the race? Come and watch a film Saturday evening? You never know, Mum and Dad might even let us spend two minutes alone together."
"Sure you don't want to come over to Max's? We'd get a lot more privacy."
"Oh yes? What are you planning, Jonah?" She giggled again. "I like the idea in theory, but sorry Jonah, there is no way I am hanging out within more than twenty metres of Lauren."
I knew by her voice that her mind was made up and there was no point making a big deal of it. As long as I got to see her it didn't really matter. "Fair enough, you're loss. Alright, shall we just go straight back to yours after the race?"
"After we've been to the race? Er. No. I can't come to the race, Jonah. I thought you knew that."
I couldn't believe she wasn't planning to come. "It's really important that I win. I need a personal best.  You know I've missed races. I need to clock up as many good times as I can now."
"I know. And you will. Didn't you run your best time in training the other day? You'll do brilliantly. I just know it."
"So you're definitely not coming?"
"No. I've said that. I've got a study schedule. I can't afford to give up most of a day and an evening."
"You work too much. You need a break." I know I sounded like a whiny kid but I couldn't help myself.
I think she was struggling to keep her patience. "I know I need a break. That's why I suggested Saturday night. That'd be a break for both of us. We will be able to talk and be on our own...I mean at the event you'll be running round the track most of the time while I sit in the cold."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
She spoke softly. "I want to be there. And I will be there when all this work is over, but Jonah you have to realise that you don't need me there. You can do this on your own. I am not your lucky charm. You can win whether I am there cheering you on, or sitting at home cheering you on."
I doubted that, but what could I say? I suppose I did see her as my lucky charm. She had got to know me quicker than I realised and I wasn't sure I liked her ability to read my mind. I congratulated myself for keeping my cool and not hanging up straight away. Instead I arranged to come over on Saturday night and left it at that.
She opened the door to me all smiles, like she hadn't totally pissed me off. "So how did it go?"
I was relieved the race went well. Of course I was. But there was a bit of me that had almost wanted to screw up just to prove to Jess that I needed her there. I had hoped she would at least have texted to find out the result. But as soon as I saw her I couldn't hang on to my annoyance.
"Yeah, really well." I rubbed my head, aiming for modesty but bursting with pride. "I kinda got that P.B." I smirked. "In fact I smashed my previous personal best."
She squealed and leapt into my arms. She was genuinely delighted for me and it felt so good to hold her that my irritation vapourised. 
"Anyway, what about you? How was the studying?"
She shrugged, laughing up at me. "Ah, you know how it is with Binomial Expansion."
"Yeah sure, that stuff, yeah."
She giggled and we were us again. I stared at her and wanted to kiss her, but it still didn't feel right standing in her parents' hallway. At that moment Mr Mulligan walked out of the front room. "Jonah." He nodded to me warily.
"Mr Mulligan." I echoed his tone. Then Mrs Mulligan broke the awkwardness as she appeared behind her husband. "Jonah, it's good to see you. I hear your mum is on the mend. That's really good news."
I wondered how much Jess had told them. "Yeah, she should be out of hospital soon."
"How will you manage then, Jonah?" She sounded like she genuinely cared.
"Max has let us both stay on at his.  He said he'd help us long as we need it."
"That's good to know. Anyway, what was the screaming about, Jess?"
Jess clung to my upper arm. "Jonah got an amazing time today in his race." I looked down at her and noticed that her eyes were shining with pride. "He only needs a few more of those to reach qualifiers."
"Qualifiers?" Mr Mulligan seemed dubious.
"Yes, for the England Athletics Under 20s championships."
Mr Mulligan was speechless for a minute so Mrs Mulligan butted in. "For England? Did you just say for England? That's just wonderful, isn't it David?" She touched his arm as if she was trying to get through to him.
Mr Mulligan seemed to come round. "Yes. Wonderful." He frowned. I guessed he was a man who hated to admit to being the last to know. "Of course, the school have played a huge role in your success. From what I hear, you had no chance before you joined Salter's Academy."
You had to hand it to this guy. He was never going to let me take the glory, but I was learning to pretend to be humble. "You are quite right Mr Mulligan, Mr Jacobs has been brilliant."
Mr Mulligan nodded, clearly not sure how to compute all this. Should he start to accept me now that I had the potential to represent the country? Or would that just make him look shallow? Again his wife saved him.
"So, you guys are going to watch a film, aren't you? You're best off upstairs with the laptop. There's something wrong with the TV down here. The signal has been cutting out all week."
I was beginning to like Mrs Mulligan more and more.
"But make sure you leave the door open won't you? And don't wake Amelia up."
As soon as we got to her room I pulled Jess towards me and she melted into me for a second, before she tried to pull away. "I can't believe they let us up here on our own, but let's not push our luck," she whispered.
"I wish you'd think again about coming over to Max's place. We wouldn't have to keep the door open there." I held her even closer, loving the feeling of her curves against me. "And I have got lots of ideas of what we could do if we were alone."
She laughed, looking into my eyes, and I was relieved that I hadn't scared her off. I had to remind myself to take this slowly. Still, I couldn't help but kiss her, although she broke away too soon. "You reckon Lauren would leave us alone there, do you?"
"Course she would. I told you, she's changed. I am starting to understand her a bit more. I think you two could get on if you gave her a chance."
She raised her eyebrows. "If I give her a chance? After all she's done? No, sorry, Jonah. No way. It's not going to happen."
"Alright then, I'm happy to take what time with you I can get, although I think I need to start booking some dates in." I glanced at the multi-coloured timetable on her wall. "Looks like you're all booked up till January judging by this." I squinted at the tiny dates written in her neat writing, alongside words that I guessed were topics or assignments but might as well have been in Chinese for all they made sense to me. "You know you need to make time to relax too if you're going to be in any state for the interview." I grabbed a pen and pretended to spell out Jonah on several of the boxes. She laughed, but I didn't have to turn round to guess that she was stressing about Cambridge again. It drove me crazy that I couldn't even mention the word.
"Basically," she said, "you're saying I need to 'relax' by coming to every one of your races."
I grinned. "No. I am beginning to get that maybe that's not an essential part of being my girlfriend."
"Your girlfriend?"
I smiled. "Yeah. Girlfriend. That's what you are, isn't it? And if my time with you is limited, I am not going to waste it with you sitting watching me from stands a hundred metres away."
She stepped towards me, properly smiling again now. "I've never been called someone's girlfriend before."
I lowered my voice. "Well here's a secret: I've never been called anyone's boyfriend before."
Her eye's widened. "Really?" She seemed sceptical.
"Yeah, really." I shrugged with fake modesty. "Plenty of girls have thought I was their boyfriend of course, but you know..."
She swatted my arm and I laughed some more. It felt good to be laughing again. It always felt good to be laughing with Jess, but she had to understand. We were close together now and I reached to pull her back into a hug. "I'm serious though. About you. I'm serious, Jess."
"I know." She whispered into my chest. "Scary isn't it?"
I held her tighter.
"Jonah? I think you're right about dates. We are both so busy and I want to spend any spare time I've got with you."
It was good to hear she wanted to spend time with me. "Yeah, good job the Christmas holidays are coming up." She didn't say anything. "What Jess? What aren't you telling me?"
She spoke quietly and didn't look at me. "Thing is, I'm being forced to go to a cottage in Norfolk for ten days at Christmas."
I stepped away. "Ten days? Are you joking? Ten days? You've got to get out of it."
"I've tried. I've tried everything. It's been booked for ages – proper family time. It's not far from my grandparents and we don't see them that often." To be fair she looked completely miserable about the whole idea. "Hey." Her features lit up. "Why don't we see if you can come? I mean I know we haven't really known each other that long and Dad hasn't been exactly welcoming, but...it's worth a try."
I tried to imagine spending twenty-four-seven with the Mulligans. Mr Mulligan and I would have a serious falling out by the end of the first day, but still...maybe it was worth that chance. The thought of ten days without seeing Jess was unbearable. Then I remembered my responsibilities.
"I can't Jess. Mum should be out of hospital by then. I'm going to need to be there with her. And I am gonna have to do some serious cleaning and decorating at Granddad's if we're going to let it out."
"Oh, yeah." Her voice was quiet with disappointment. We rested in each other's arms for a minute. As miserable as I was at the idea of being without her when we'd only just got together, I decided I needed to lighten the mood. I moved back to her timetable.
"Anyway, looking at this at least you haven't got anything planned for January."
"No, but only because I haven't drawn up that timetable yet..."
"And you haven't got anything planned for New Year's Eve. Tell me you're back for New Year's Eve?"
She smiled. "Yes, actually we get back on New Year's Eve. Why, what do you have in mind?
"Come to Tom's New Year's Party with me."
"Tom Forrester's party? Me?"
"Yeah.  What's so weird about that?"
"Tom's party? Like the one he had last year, when there was all that drama because Will's cousin stole Chantelle Matthews off Ricky Smith?"
I laughed, "Really? I thought you didn't listen to gossip. Anyway, this party is sounding better every minute. Come with me. Get dressed up. Let's make it a proper date. I'll even come and pick you up like the Americans do for the prom."
"I think you are definitely over-estimating Tom's house party."
"Who cares? It'll be fun. Unless you're ashamed to be seen with me."
She rolled her eyes. "No way. You know it's not that at all. Don't you get it? I'm a nerd. I am not supposed to be seen at Tom Forrester's party, and certainly not seen with you. And the thing is, if I did go with you, I would be seen. They'd all be staring at me, bitching about me. I don't do the centre of attention thing."
"Well you should, you're beautiful, you've got class, and I want everyone to see you're my girlfriend." She stared at me as if she didn't believe a word I'd said. "And anyway, who cares what they think?"
"Yeah, that's your secret Jonah, you don't care what they think, and that's why they all want to be like you. Some of us mere mortals don't have your skills."
I smiled and stroked her back. "You don't know anything yet about my skills."
She blushed but giggled too. "You're so corny. But seriously, why don't we just go out together for dinner for New Year? That date at the Italian did go pretty well, before, you know...your mum."
I sighed. "We can't go out on New Year's Eve, even if we could get a table, they'll hike the prices up beyond our price range."
"Yeah, well, I've got nothing to wear for that kind of party."
I knew I was winning then. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you'll look gorgeous anyway."
"Thanks, but you are the only one acting under that illusion. Whatever I wear I'll still be the weirdo going out with the cool kid. They'll all stare at me. I don't do parties."
I rested my forehead against her's and gazed into her eyes. "Please Jess, for me. I'm proud to be your boyfriend. I want to go out and have fun with you."
She closed her eyes.
"Hey, just think, the party might even overshadow the interview for scariness."
She gulped and I thought I had pushed it too far. Then she nodded. "Why does it feel like I can never say no to you Jonah?"
I raised my eyebrows, and then thought better of saying what I was thinking. "I'll even ask your parents for you if you like."
She sighed. "No don't worry about it. I'll ask them. They'll probably agree, since I am being banished to that awful cottage for Christmas. Apparently, they haven't even got Wi-Fi."
"Seriously?" I pretended to shudder. I dreaded the idea of Jess being away. I was scared of losing this feeling of happiness that I had discovered since we got together. I was scared she would come to her senses and realise that I wasn't good enough for her. I would push for New Year's Eve, so that we had that date planned and she couldn't change her mind.  Her parents owed me New Year – that's how I saw it.
"So, anyway, what was this about not being able to say no to me?"
She put her hands on my chest and pushed me away, laughing. "Don't get excited, I can still say no to a few things."
We watched the movie, but I couldn't tell you anything about it. It was impossible to concentrate with Jess curled around my body, one leg across my legs and her head tucked under my chin. I stroked her back and breathed in the smell of her hair. It was peaceful, even though I could hear her mum clattering plates about in the kitchen, and the sound of the News on the TV downstairs. I actually liked those noises, even though it was an unsubtle message from her parents to remind me that they could walk in any minute. For the second time that week I felt like part of a proper family. I wondered if Jess knew how much she had given me.
"I can feel your heart beating," she murmured without moving. I pulled her even closer.
"I thought you were asleep."
"No. Jonah, I just realised I am happy. You know really happy. I never sit still like this unless I am thinking about work. But I'm not. I'm lying here thinking about how gorgeous your arms are, and how good it feels to be held by you."
I sighed. "You have no idea, Jess, what you do to me when you say things like that, and how unbelievable it is to me that I get to be here with you."
We spent the rest of the evening kissing, listening out for someone on the stairs, and trying not to take things too far. The Jess I had first met had been an ice queen, but she was proving me very wrong about that.
I left at ten. I appreciated the cold night air. I thought about how much I owed her and what I could do to try to show her what she meant to me. But all my ideas involved money, and I didn't have any of that. I had one idea. It was pretty lame, but at least it showed I was thinking about her.
So the next day after training, I jogged round to Jess's with some of Lauren's old magazines. Her mum led me into the kitchen.
"Sorry, Jonah, you've missed Jess, she's gone to her tutor's already."
"Oh, OK, maybe you could give her these for me then."
Her mum raised her eyebrows. "Not Jess's usual reading material are they?"
"I know, but I thought it might give her some ideas. I've asked her to come to a New Year's Eve party with me, but she doesn't know what to wear..."
"She mentioned the party, actually. That's thoughtful of you Jonah. Don't worry I'll pass them on."
"So you don't mind her coming with me?"
Mrs Mulligan smiled. "Jonah, I think you seem like a nice lad, you seem to care for Jess, and respect our rules, and above all Jess likes you. I trust her judgement. I trust you."
I didn't know what to say. It was one of the nicest compliments I think I'd ever had. So of course, I did what I always do when I am feeling good – I pushed things a little bit further.
I told her how ill this Cambridge thing was making Jess. She wasn't surprised. "I know she's been looking ill, and she won't talk about it. But what can we do?" she said. "She's like a juggernaut. You have to realise that it isn't us pushing her – even her dad isn't as set on it as she thinks he is. She's the one who wants this."
I shook my head. "But she doesn't. Did you know she can't even talk about the interview without having a panic attack? It's not healthy. She doesn't need to do this."
Mrs Mulligan frowned. "I know she was having panic attacks. I see more than you might realise. She is my daughter, Jonah. But I know that there has been no sign of any problems recently. It will be over in a few weeks, and then maybe the pair of you can have some proper time together to relax. You're good for her. But you aren't going to be able to change the path she's on. However much you might want to."
"But that's crazy! She's not even turned sixteen yet. She doesn't need to be doing any of this right now at all." I had raised my voice and could feel myself losing control.
Jess's mum spoke calmly and quietly. "Jonah, you have to remember this is Jess's choice, not yours. Have you thought there might be other reasons why you don't want Jess to take the exam and go to Cambridge next year?"
"What are you talking about? This isn't about me! I am worried about your daughter." But as I said it I wondered if she was right. The thought of Jess leaving now when we'd only just got together was awful. But that wasn't the reason why I was fighting this battle – was it?
"My advice, for what it's worth, is just leave her be. She has never liked being told what to do. She is more driven than you or I can understand. We are going away soon, but make sure you're there for her still when she gets back, and don't push things. It will all be over by the end of January. She doesn't need you to do anything for her till then. Just support her and see what happens."
I left pretty soon after that. I knew her mum was wrong. I would just have to sort it myself.
I didn't say anything to Jess about the conversation with her mum when we met that evening to study, although I think she could tell something was wrong. We still flicked through the magazines and laughed at some of the crazy outfits. Jess was convinced that even any of the more normal high street stuff would look awful on her.
"Look, it's a nice idea to bring these magazines. But I don't want to dress up and do an impersonation of Lauren or that lot."
"Don't worry about it Jess, you could never look like Lauren in a million years," I saw her face, and added hastily, "I mean that in a good way!"
"Yeah, but honestly I'll come to this party if you really want me to, but I will wear something I am comfortable in, even if it's these old jeans and a top."
My eyes raked over her. She always looked amazing. "You're right, Jess. I only want to take the real you to the party anyway."
The days went fast after that. I was really pushing on with the training and clocking up more of those magical 10.65 seconds. The end of term came round too quickly. Jess headed off to Norfolk, and I prepared for Mum's return home, or to Max's at least. I tried not to think about how much I would miss Jess while she was away. I tried not to imagine that there might be some bored brainiac boy staying in the adjoining cottage, and that Jess might actually decide that she preferred him to me. Instead, I threw myself into making sure that Mum would have the best Christmas ever.