Talent...and what to do with it

Chapter 12: Jess

Seeing him in the library unsettled me. I'd just been getting my focus back and then there he was like a wounded lion, upset about who knew what, and seemingly unable to talk about it.
I cringed at how I'd handled it. I didn't even ask him what was wrong. And instinctively I'd reached for him and touched that part of his neck that I had always found so alluring. I couldn't bear to think what he made of that and what Lauren would do if it got back to her. It scared me that I still couldn't resist him. And I tortured myself with his words – he missed me. I told myself it was because we had been friends – I was the sidekick that helped him run well – nothing more than that. And yet that tiny bit of me wanted to believe that his words meant a whole lot more.
I decided the only solution was to avoid him again - it was only a few days until half term. This year was too precious to let my energies get consumed by this crazy crush on someone else's boyfriend.
It was easy to make sure I didn't bump into him, but I became aware that since he'd found me in the library, the rest of the student body seemed to have noticed me. I was suddenly an object of attention. At best I was openly stared at, but often there were also whispered asides and snide remarks about my appearance, about my weirdness. To be fair, this kind of thing could have been going on for years without me noticing. It was only now since Jonah had stolen into my life that I heard the comments and blushed at the stares.
But still I reasoned there were only thirty-three more weeks of school left to go and then I would be free to walk away from Jonah Taylor and Lauren Jepson and all the rest of them.
I hadn't banked on being forced to go on the school adventure holiday though.
I usually vetted all letters I took home from school, but this time they had chosen to email my dad direct. They must have known if I had got my hands on the letter it would have gone straight in the bin. The school had suggested to my parents I take up a place on the half term adventure holiday. It involved getting a coach to the Dorset, sharing a cabin with other girls, and taking part in all kinds of "character building" sports and activities. I couldn't think of anything worse. Dad, and the school, naturally saw it as the perfect opportunity to teach me the social skills I was lacking.
"But, Dad, if I go, how I am going to have enough time to revise for the entrance exam and the STEP? I already have a study timetable organised for half term."
Usually this was enough to sway him, but I had screwed up again.
"Jessica, your tutor tells me your results are dropping for the first time ever. He can't see any explanation for it other than over-work. He suggests it might not be healthy to study all through the half term holiday. You need a break. You need time having fun with kids your own age."
I stared at him. What did he mean? How could anyone conceive that this holiday was anything near fun? Then he added what I knew was coming. "Anyway, don't forget it isn't just about the exam. You have the interview to get through, too. They are looking for well-rounded students." he looked over his glasses at me. "And hiding in the library with maths books every break time, is not well-rounded behaviour."
I seethed at the deviousness of Dad and my teachers, but I knew when my dad's mind was made up there was no point trying to change it. Yet again I thought of Jonah. If we had carried on training together would that have been enough to persuade Dad that I was normal and get him off my back? I supposed I would never know. I could have just said I thought Jonah was going on the trip and maybe Dad would have relented, but after our moment in the library together I was weakening and I couldn't bring myself to bad-mouth him again, or hear my Dad do so. I had no choice but to prepare myself for the holiday with a sense of impending doom.
I kept my eyes down as I stepped on the coach and pretended not to hear the sarcastic shout, "Oi Jonah, are you gonna sit with your geeky friend?" I coughed loudly to be certain I didn't hear his answer or the collective sniggers. Because I had my head down I noticed the bag left strategically in the aisle and avoided falling flat on my face. I hoped my tormentors were disappointed. I slunk into a seat pulled my e-reader out and hid in my book. I knew why now I was being noticed at school. They all thought there was something going on between Jonah and me. How wrong they were.
We had an enforced twenty-minute stop at a service station. I found a corner table where I thought I was unseen and began to read. Someone pulled out the chair opposite me I hardly needed to look up when. I could feel Jonah's presence at a hundred metres.
"Jess?" He spoke softly, as he always did when he talked to me.
"What?" I didn't mean to snap but I was fed up with what he had done to my quiet life.
But he just smiled that heart-stopping smile and I began to pick at the label on my water bottle to try and stop myself doing something silly like smile back at him. I reminded myself about the drugs and the knives. It didn't help. However much evidence I had about his past, it would never fit with the Jonah who sat in front of me. We understood each other didn't we? We trusted each other.
"So, I tell you I miss you, and I don't see you for dust. That could do some damage to a guy's ego."
I raised my eyebrows. There was nothing I could do that would damage his ego. I had never met anyone so sure of himself. Then I remembered how broken he was in the library and wondered whether the cockiness was his front, just like the quietness was mine. I looked up at him.
He was looking straight at me, his eyes gentle, but also sort of hurt. I studied him. His dark eyes, the straight fine nose and lips always ready to curl into a smile, and again I wondered what he was doing here with me.
He waited a moment before speaking. "I just wanted to check if we were still friends. You told me once you didn't think I was stupid. Have you changed your mind?"
I shook my head. "No, of course you're not. You're...you're..." How could I explain he was everything a teenager should be? He was almost an adult but more vital than a grown-up.  He was passionate, brave, rebellious and real. Me? I was a watercolour to his oil painting. But I was getting ahead of myself again. I pretended to sigh, as I said what I wished I'd said on the bus a few weeks ago. "Fine, we're friends." He grinned again. "Trouble is Jonah, you'll just have to help me out I don't really know what us being friends looks like."
"Well," he put out his long fingers and ticked off the points as he spoke, "one, we acknowledge each other, say hello that kind of thing. Two, we hang out together sometimes. Three, we have actual conversations."
I nodded and didn't bother trying to hide my smile. When he put it like that it didn't seem like such a big deal. But it was. I knew my parents would think so. I knew the other kids would think it was. I knew Lauren would think so, too.
"What about Lauren?"
"What about her?" He looked cagey.
"I get the feeling she'd mind if we hang out together."
He shrugged. "I doubt it and anyway I don't care if she does. I hang out with whoever I like."
"Oh." I resumed picking at the label.
He frowned, a perfect line forming between his eyebrows. "You know there's nothing going on between Lauren and me?" My heart literally thudded. I was surprised he couldn't hear it.
He smiled that cheeky half-smile. "Did you think we were going out?"
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak and knowing I was turning pink.
"No Jess." He took my hand from the drinks bottle, and then began rubbing my wrist with his thumb as he spoke. "Lauren and me are most definitely not a couple." He stared at me intently, and I wondered if this was the way friends were together, because it felt like more than friendship to me. I smiled at him in what was probably a really goofy way, but I didn't care. Jonah wanted to be my friend. Jonah said he wasn't going out with Lauren, and his touch was sending shivers all around my body.
"One more thing, Jess. I need your mobile number, just in case you go AWOL on me again."
I shook my head. "You don't need my number."
"Jess, for once will you just say yes to something I ask you, without making it into a battle?" He smiled playfully. "Because if you don't I'll come and sit with you on the coach. Actually I might do that anyway..."
"Fine," I snapped, scribbling the number down on the napkin. "Here, but don't expect me to be much of a conversationalist."
"Oh, Jessica I learnt that the first day I met you, didn't I? Don't worry I'll just send you maths trivia and that kind of thing."
I smiled. I knew he was just teasing me. I returned to the bus and wondered why I hadn't asked him about the fight. I still couldn't imagine him attacking someone, but I didn't know if I was brave enough to ask him about it. My phone pinged within minutes.
Q: What is a bird's favourite type of maths?
I thought about it for a moment, before sending the reply back.
A: Owl-gebra
Thought I'd get you with that one. Like I've always said you're too smart for me.
I smiled. I was brave enough to flirt by phone.
Yes and you're too cool for school (and me).
The reply came back instantly.
I'm never cool when I'm around you.
I glanced back, filled with the horrible idea that one of the others was using his phone to send the messages, but I couldn't see him. He could obviously see me though.
Who are you looking for? Want me to come and sit next to you after all?
I felt my face getting hot at the idea of it, but at least I knew it was really him texting.
No. Stay where you are. I'm going to get some sleep now. Leave me alone for a bit.
I will never leave you alone now I've got your number. I will be your number one stalker.
My only stalker, more like. I shut my eyes and realised I was still smiling. Jonah and I were friends again. He was flirting with me. And we had a whole week ahead of us. My stomach churned with excitement, instead of fear. It felt like everything was going to be all right in the world.
It only took a couple of hours for that myth to explode.
We all stood on the driveway of the activity centre waiting for our bags to be unloaded. Jonah stood behind some of the others making stupid faces to try and make me laugh. My phone buzzed with a message seconds later. He was right about the stalker bit, but I didn't mind at all.
Miss started reading out the cabin allocations. She hesitated after reading my name, and appeared to check the list. Someone had decided that I needed to share a cabin with Lauren and her gang. I noticed Jonah scowl and step forward when he heard, but I shook out my hair and hauled my case along behind the doughnut heads before he could do anything. The girls kept glancing back at me, apparently as appalled as I was, but I wasn't going to let them intimidate me. Just knowing Jonah was my friend made me feel stronger.
I stayed quiet as they flitted about the cabin squealing about the thin mattresses and the rubbish shower. Then I hauled my case onto the lowest bunk and began to unpack. It took me a second to realise they had gone quiet.
"What do you think you are doing?"
I shrugged, avoiding the sarcastic reply that came to mind.
"That's Roxanne's bed." Lauren went on. "You can't go there. You've got the top bunk."
I silently moved my case to the upper bed, wondering if they planned to torture me all week. I could hear their giggles but kept my back to them. I could endure this I decided. I might have to share a room at university with a complete stranger. This was a test run with an enemy I knew. It felt less real if I treated it like a test.
Dinner was in a huge mess hall with long, narrow tables. I found a seat on my own at the end of an empty table. I'd just started eating when Jonah appeared and slammed his tray down opposite mine. Despite my awkwardness I couldn't help but smile. It was a relief to see a friendly face and it seemed like a long time since he'd last texted. Then again, ten minutes in the company of my cabin mates felt like ten years. But seconds later Will, Tom and their lot turned up and sat with us, with Lauren and her mates sliding into seats next to them. I was given a few funny looks, and then Tom got Jonah into a conversation about football that I didn't attempt to follow. I silently finished my food and went to leave, but even though he hadn't been looking at me, Jonah sang out, "Bye, Jess!" I mumbled a good bye and scurried off, sensing the others staring after me.
The next day the activities started. It was hideous. Rope swings, climbing, and orienteering. My nightmare combination of teamwork, mud and physical exercise.
Of course Jonah's team excelled at everything. I could see he was making more and more friends. He was laughing with Will Johnson a lot. Will had always been considered the best-looking boy in his Year. He had been out with most of the girls in Lauren's set. I had always thought of Will as a bit of an idiot. I was surprised that Jonah and Will were friends. Then I realised that it was obvious why they got on – Jonah could have his pick of any of the girls, just like Will could. They must have decided to be comrades rather than rivals. Lauren took every opportunity to get as close to Jonah as she could, squeezing her way past the others to get close to him in the line for an activity. He was always friendly towards her, but I didn't think I saw anything more than that, on his side at least.
Even though his jokey texts were still coming through regularly, I kept my distance from him. I still felt uncomfortable talking to him with all the others around. But sometimes I would turn around and catch him looking at me and we would grin at each other and it felt like there was no one else in the world. I was aware of exactly where he was all the time. When my legs went to jelly and my brain refused to let me jump off the platform of the twenty-foot zip wire I knew it was his hand that crept onto my hip, just as if he sensed that his touch was the only thing I would be more terrified of than the jump.
Meanwhile I continued to put up with Lauren's snide comments whenever I returned to our cabin. I wasn't rude, even when she was. I spoke to my roommates when I had to and gradually they began to lose interest in trying to get a reaction from me. I listened to their inane chat and learnt what the life of a real teenager was like. Their conversations were usually X-rated, about the things they had seen on the Internet and the things they had done with boys. At first I felt horribly self-conscious – they were so much more experienced than I was. Then I began to feel a bit sad for them. I got the impression that Roxanne and Chloe, at least, had been coerced into most of the acts they had been involved with. I realised that they were just as afraid as I was. But their fear was of being unpopular, or branded frigid.
Then on the third night after lights out, just when I thought they had forgotten about me altogether, Lauren decided to start including me in their conversation. 
"So, Jessica, when are you going to tell us the truth about Jonah?"
"What do you mean?" My voice echoed in the darkness.
"I mean. You two. You were at the gig together. He goes crazy if anyone even mentions you."
Did he?
"So what's going on?"
"Nothing."
Roxy said, "Yeah, right. As if he would have gone crazy like that at Riley if nothing was going on."
"What are you talking about?"
"The fight. Do you really not know? Riley was winding him up about you two and Jonah went mental. He was defending your honour, Jess. He must really like you." In the gloom I could see her eyes were round with the drama of it all.
I don't know what I said in reply. I still hated that he'd been fighting, but I couldn't believe that he'd been sticking up for me. I didn't think he'd even want his mates to realise we were friends.
"The whole school was talking about it...and then the other week in the library. Come on, tell us the full story." Roxy sat forward on her bunk as if she was going to get gossip of the century, but she was about to be disappointed. I was still reeling from what she'd just told me.
"I...I don't know. There's nothing to tell. Nothing's going on."
"Sure." Chloe said sarcastically. "I've seen the way he stares at you. It's so sweet."
Really? I was beginning to feel uncomfortable. My life was under the spotlight and I had no idea whether to be pleased by what I was hearing or terrified. 
"Jonah's always been strange." Lauren put in, smiling her bitchy smile.
It was getting easier to be brave when it came to Lauren. I realised I had simply no respect for her at all, so I didn't care what she thought. "Oh yes, that's right you used to go out didn't you? What happened there?"
Roxanne snorted. "Lauren and Jonah? She wishes."
Lauren was quick to jump in. "Jonah and I go way back. We have always been close."
I kept up my calm front, even as I tried to figure out what was really going on with Lauren and Jonah. I believed Jonah when he said they weren't together, but I had assumed that they must have gone out together in the past. Why else would she have told me at the gig that she was there with him? It was clear she still liked him, so it was probably only a matter of time before they were back together. I had noticed that for some unfathomable reason, Lauren seemed able to have any guy she wanted. I had no doubt that Jonah would prefer her to me.
I couldn't figure out what was going on. When I was with Jonah and he looked at me the way he did, I began to hope there could be more between us, but in this cabin I felt like a bit player in the Jonah and Lauren drama. I was just a distraction from the main plot. I chose my words carefully. "If you and Jonah have always been that close you can ask him yourself."
"For someone who is such a geek you are way too up yourself, you know."
How was I supposed to reply to that?
Fortunately, Lauren was more interested in her own voice than anyone else's. "But you can't deny that you fancy him. I mean you'd have to be a freak not to fancy him. Have you seen how good his bum looks in those cargo pants?"
I kept my voice neutral. "He is good looking."
"And cool, too. I mean, everyone knows he's got a bit of a past, but that only adds to it, doesn't it?"
Chloe and Roxanne murmured agreement. I didn't respond. There was so much I didn't know about Jonah, but I wasn't about to admit that to them.
"Are you saying you don't fancy him?"
I knew if I agreed that he was gorgeous I would be mocked and they might even tell him, but if I said he wasn't then I would be branded a lesbian or a freak. "Not much point talking about it is there? I mean he obviously isn't interested in me."
Lauren laughed her assent, but Chloe interrupted. "Of course he likes you! He wouldn't have gone for Riley otherwise and he is always looking at you and trying to sit with you and stuff."
Roxanne joined in, oblivious to Lauren's silent fury. "Yeah, and actually you could be quite pretty if you made an effort. Did something with your hair and make-up and wore some decent clothes."
"Don't be stupid, Roxanne. Jonah doesn't fancy her. And she would still look like a weirdo geek even with all the make-up in the world."
I smiled in the darkness – at last something Lauren and I agreed on.
"Anyway." Lauren took the chance to turn the conversation back to her. Tom invited me to a beach party tomorrow night. We should go. It's the last night and everything."
There was silence for a moment, and then Roxanne asked in a small voice, "Tom asked you?"
"Yeah. I never really thought much of him before, but this week I've seen a different side to him."
"But Roxie has fancied Tom for like forever." Chloe said quietly.
"Really? I thought you were over that in Year Nine," Lauren said breezily. "Anyway, you can't make him like you, especially not if he likes me better."
This was met with silence.
I slipped out to the bathroom, relieved to escape their focus. I thought about the one bit of good news that week. Lauren's mates had confirmed what Jonah had told me – Lauren and Jonah were not going out. Maybe Jonah really did like me. But if my evidence was based on him beating someone up over me, why was I even thinking about him? I reminded myself he was a good friend but that was all he could ever be. He just had that cheerful, flirty manner with everyone. It was just his personality. I had got it wrong once before and I was over it and I could play it cool now. I knew I was kidding myself.
It turned out Roxanne and Chloe had a bit of backbone after all. Lauren had crossed a line by taking up with Tom and they decided they were justified in teaching her a lesson. The only thing was they needed me to help them. The next evening, as soon as Lauren had disappeared into the twilight to meet up with Tom (according to her he wanted some help "setting up"), Roxanne handed me an orange squash and told me her plan. Apparently Lauren got jealous of any girl who Jonah paid attention to, even though they confirmed (to my delight), they had never seen any evidence of the pair of them actually going out together. They also told me that no one seemed to wind her up as much as I did. I didn't know how to take this. Should I thank them for the compliment? Anyway, all they wanted me to do was make her even more jealous and distract her from Tom, while at the same time move the fantasy romance between Jonah and I forward.
The whole plan seemed pretty flawed to me, but something made me go a long with it. Maybe I was compliant thanks to the syrupy squash they were serving me, which I belated realised was laced with alcohol, or maybe it was because I thought I would be able to humour them and back out at the last minute. For whatever reason, I thought it was easier to give into them. What harm was there in letting them dress me up? After all it would be interesting to see what I would look like as a "popular girl". There was no way I was going to go to the beach, so why not?
But by the time they had straightened my hair and clogged up my eyes with mascara and eyeliner and squeezed me into a tiny skirt and halter-neck top I had had several more glasses of squash. I looked in the mirror and didn't recognise myself. Suddenly the idea of going to the beach seemed like nothing more than an interesting life experiment that I really ought to participate in.