Talent...and what to do with it

Chapter 23: Jonah

I was almost knocked off my feet by Amelia. "Joan!" she shouted and barrelled past her mum to hug me round the legs. I looked down at her glossy curls and smiled. I knew Mr Mulligan was still dubious about me, but even so I was feeling more and more like I was part of this family and it overwhelmed me. "Jess is a butterfly," she told me earnestly and I nodded just as seriously back, as if she was making total sense.
Then I saw her and understood what Amelia meant. She was wearing a kind of floaty top that was a deep peacock colour. It made her eyes sparkle a brighter blue than I'd seen before and her skin glow. She had done something to her hair so that it was straighter and glossier than usual and it gleamed gold.
She looked so much older and sophisticated – I couldn't quite believe she had gone to this much trouble to come to the party with me. I had been desperate to see her again, but now with her looking like this, I felt suddenly nervous. She must have noticed, because her eyes reflected the uncertainty that showed in mine.
She looked at me. I had made a bit more of an effort too, but, still, she was way out of my league.
I said her name and she stepped towards me. She hesitated, and then seemed to give in and relax. We forgot our audience for a second as we hugged each other. My doubts flew away and the world felt right again.
I tried to rest my chin on her head as usual, then laughed. "Hey you've grown." I glanced down at her shoes and whistled. "Wow, love the heels."
She grimaced. "I didn't really think about walking when Mum persuaded me to buy them."
Mrs Mulligan smiled. "I didn't exactly have to persuade you. We had a lovely day out together."
Jess looked at her watch. "Shouldn't we be going?" She spoke as if we were going to the dentist.
I would have been just as happy to stay quietly with Jess, cuddled up in her room, getting to know each other again. But I had badgered her into going to this party and so we would have to go through with it.
She shrugged on her thick black school coat and picked up her rucksack. She took her shoes off and popped them in the bag and then pushed her feet into her trainers. Now she looked more like the Jess I knew. "Jessica, what are you doing? You can't wear that old coat, and you can borrow one of my little bags, you can't take that thing." Mrs Mulligan looked horrified.
"Mum. It's a house party. And we're walking there. I'm not walking there in these dumb heels, so I need a bag to put my trainers in. I also intend to be warm, so I'm taking my coat."
I smiled and nodded. "You can't stop Jess being practical Mrs M, she's never going to make the stupid choice."
Mr Mulligan had appeared and he raised his eyebrows at what I'd said. I'd forgotten for a minute that I was the stupid choice.
Jess hugged Amelia goodbye. "See you next year."
Amelia immediately began wailing. "Next year? I will miss you. Why do you have to go?"
Mrs Mulligan prised Amelia from Jess. "It's OK honey, you'll see her tonight, she'll give you a goodnight kiss when she gets home. She was just joking."
We made our escape. When we got to what I still thought of as "our corner", where we'd kissed after our first date, I hugged her to me. "Have I told you how beautiful you look?"
"You look pretty gorgeous yourself."
"Tell me you didn't meet some rugged farmer type and realise you were wasting your time with me."
"No Jonah. I didn't meet a rugged farmer."
"What about a really clever, aristocrat type?"
She leant into my side. "Jonah, I didn't meet anyone. I sat around bored, thinking of you. Happy now?"
"Thinking of me? Really? What were you thinking?"
"Oh shut up Jonah! I have never met anyone who can go from paranoid and jealous, to pervy within two seconds, like you can."
"I'm not paranoid. You're gorgeous Jess. Any guy would try to make a move on you if they could."
"Yeah right. Anyway, even if that was true, you need to remember that I'm not interested in 'just any guy'. I'm only interested in you."
I put my arm round her, "Yeah?" I spoke quietly.
"Yeah." She slipped her arm under my jacket and round my waist and we walked along together like that, as close as we could get.
As we walked I told her about my Christmas. How it had ended up being quite fun, doing up Granddad's house with Max (I decided not to mention that Lauren had helped, too), and how Mum had been doing surprisingly well since she'd been out of hospital. Even though I still couldn't quite relax when I was away from her. Tonight she was staying with Max in his front room waiting for Jools Holland to come on so they could celebrate with sparkling apple juice, like they were an old married couple.
Jess suddenly stopped. "I nearly forgot. I can't believe I forgot! Hang on, stop a minute." She reached in her bag. "These are for you." She handed over an envelope and a gift bag. I hugged her again, whatever she had got me I knew I would love it already, because she had chosen a present for me. When I opened it I couldn't believe she'd managed to find the aftershave I liked on scent alone.  I was also surprised, and a little embarrassed, that her parents had gone to the trouble of getting me some vouchers. I handed over my present nervously.
"I love it." She spoke quietly and with sincerity as she stared at the necklace I had chosen. She let me fasten the tiny chain round her neck, so the little star pendant sat perfectly in the hollow of her throat. It completed her outfit and she seemed to really like it. She touched the necklace and smiled shyly. "Thank you Jonah." And despite the cold, we stood there and kissed properly for the first time in ten days.
We were quite late by the time we'd stopped at an offie to pick up some lagers. I didn't really fancy drinking but we could hardly turn up empty handed. Tom didn't live that far from Jess, in the posh bit of town. But Tom lived in the poshest street you could get. It was like one of those gated communities you saw in American films. His house was similar to the one we'd left in Manchester. It was a new-build in the style of an old-fashioned Georgian mansion, with pillars and everything. I would have checked the address again if it weren't for the banging music coming from the open front door and the cluster of kids sitting on the front lawn behind one of those pointless little white chain fences.
The party seemed to have been going on for a while. The large hallway was packed with kids dancing, laughing, snogging and smoking. The air was thick with illegal smoke. We pushed our way through the crowd and headed for the kitchen. Jess was close to my side, gripping my hand tightly. I could feel the horror radiating off her, and I saw the whole sordid display from her perspective. What would she have thought of the ratty pubs in Manchester that were my dad's haunts? This world was so tame in comparison.
The kitchen was equally crowded but you could see out to the garden where you could hear the screams of girls in the hot tub.
"You forgot your bikini!" I said to Jess. She didn't make an effort to answer but I felt her shudder and I laughed. Jess was way too classy for any of this.
Lauren was sitting on the worktop near the back door. She was watching proceedings with a superior air, like a cat surveying it's territory. She was swigging from a bottle of lager. She nodded at me, and gave Jess a narrow-eyed tiny nod. I didn't see if Jess acknowledged her or not but moved towards Lauren anyway. My life would be so much easier if these two could get on.
"Hey, Lauren. You know Jess."
Lauren just smiled, and took a slug of her drink.
Jess surprised me by stepping forward. "Hi Lauren. Did you have a good Christmas?"
Lauren looked slightly fazed. "It was alright." She recovered herself. "Except for this loser, moping about the place without the love of his life." She swung her chunky heel towards me, in case Jess was in any doubt which loser she was talking about.
Jess smiled and looked at me, her smile deepening at my embarrassment. She didn't say anything but she shrugged her coat off.
Lauren stared at her. "Like your top." She said grudgingly after a moment.
"Thanks." Jess's voice was cool and confident. 
The back door swung open with a blast of cold air.
"Hey Jonah, glad you could make it. And..." Tom held his hand out revealing his posh roots.
"Jess."
He blinked. "Oh yeah, Jess. Didn't recognise you for a minute, sorry."
Lauren was sitting behind the door and Tom couldn't see her there. Lauren and Tom had ended up helping out with the decorating last week at Granddad's. They actually seemed to get on really well. I suspected Tom had liked her for ages but I had no idea what Lauren thought of him. Anyway, at that moment it was clear she was desperate for him to notice but at the same time wanted to remain cool.
"Nice place you've got here Tom." I said as I flicked open one of the lagers.
Tom glanced around the kitchen. "Yeah, thanks mate. It's alright I suppose." Even over the music loud laughter could be heard from the garden. "There's a bunch of Year 10 girls in the hot tub. They're absolutely hammered, should check they're not drowning, I suppose."
I punched his arm and laughed, "Yeah, mate, you better go and check on the half naked girls." I could sense Lauren bristling. Yep there was definitely more than friendship going on between those too.
Suddenly Lauren swung herself off the counter and pounced on a skinny lad who had been standing nearby. She reached her arms around his neck, ignoring the guy he'd been talking to a moment before, and gazed at him with her lips parted. He looked unclear about whether to run a mile or throw his arms in the air in triumph.  Tom stared at Lauren in much the way she'd been staring at him seconds before. Lauren's display was definitely for his benefit. Tom stood still then nodded to us and pushed past us and out of the kitchen.
"Come on, let's find somewhere to sit," I said to Jess and took her hand pulling her through the mass of kids. "Hey Jess!" someone shouted. "You look awesome!"
"Thanks, Chloe." Jess sounded genuinely pleased to see Chloe.
"I like this make-over a bit more than the one we gave you at camp."
Jess laughed. "Yeah, a bit more subtle." They giggled and I looked over their heads and pretended I wasn't listening to their girlie chat.
"Anyway, I'm gonna go and dance. Do you wanna come?"
Jess shook her head, but Chloe ignored her and pulled her away. She looked back desperately at me but I just laughed and waved.
Will came over. "Alright, mate?"
I nodded and handed him a lager. "Josh's parents must be pretty cool to let him have parties in a house like this."
Will pulled a face. "They go away skiing every New Year's. They haven't taken him for the last couple of years and he figures they're asking to have the house wrecked. Then they come home and get someone in to clean it all up like it doesn't matter at all. Totally weird if you ask me."
I nodded. After all were any of us normal? I looked around. The house didn't look all that far off being wrecked already.
I realised I had left Jess alone too long when I found her dancing in the front room. Some kid was hovering, blatantly flirting with her. I wasn't much of a dancer but I was forced to muscle in. I pushed my way in front of her and put my arms round her waist. She smiled.
"Are you having fun?"
"It's OK."
She looked sort of awkward so I began doing daft dancing in front of her, leaning in close then moving away, making my moves more and more silly as she laughed louder. I wondered if she knew that I would never behave like this if she weren't there. "Come on!" I grabbed her hand and swung her round. Before she knew it she had joined in. I think it was some crappy boy band playing but we didn't care, we were laughing and flinging each other around and she was like Amelia's butterfly – a blur of blue and gold flying round the room.
The music slowed. Jess stepped away from me but I pulled her back. "Hey, I'm not missing out on slow dancing with my girl." And she was in my arms and against my chest and even though we were moving to that cheesy "perfect imperfection" song, and even though we were at the world's crappiest party, I was having the best night of my life.
"Get a room you guys." Lauren's caustic tones spoilt the moment, "Just don't take any of the rooms upstairs, they're booked and me and my date are about to make use of the summerhouse." She smirked and Jess looked appalled.
Suddenly I just wanted to get out of there and be on my own with Jess for the first time in ages. "Shall we go?" I whispered into Jess's hair. She nodded vigorously. "I need the loo first."
I stood in the hallway and waited for her, and Tom came over, "You alright mate?"
"Yeah, listen, thanks for your help with the decorating. We'd never have got the house finished without your help."
"No problem. I just don't want to ever see woodchip again."
I laughed. "So what's the story with you and Lauren then?"
"What do you mean? Nothing."
I didn't bother to point out that the pair of them seemed to be crazy about each other. Instead I told him we were leaving in a minute.
"You can't go yet, you've got to stay until midnight."
Will came over and slung an arm round my neck. "What are you talking about, mate? I didn't hear you say you're going, did I?
"Yeah. I'm taking Jess back."
"Oh right, you're taking her home, then coming back to get the real party started?"
The door opened behind me and I wondered if Jess had heard this conversation, because she looked at me questioningly. "No mate. We're both going home. See you later."
We put our heads down and got out of there.
"Did you want to stay, Jonah? Sorry, I know it wasn't really my kind of thing, but you can always go back if you want."
I tightened my arm round her shoulder. "You know what Jess, it's not really my kind of party anyway. Turns out I just want to be alone with my girlfriend for the first time in ten long, long days."
She squeezed me back and then began to laugh. "I just realised I forgot to put my shoes on. Don't tell my mum." I laughed, too.
"Look, I'm sorry about making you go to the party. I should have listened to you. I guess I forgot how crap house parties can be."
"It wasn't that bad. Chloe was nice. And I liked the dancing." She paused. "Although the highlight was probably the puke in the sink. Or maybe it was seeing someone being sick into a flowerpot. I don't know Jonah, on a night out with you there are just so many puke incidents to compare."
"You're right. Well it'll be your turn next to find an even more pukey place to take me to."
"That's a challenge. Maybe the aftermath of one of Amelia's friend's birthday parties?"
"Now that sounds like my kind of date!" We put our heads together, laughing.
"It's cold though. What shall we do now? Do you want to go to a pub or something?" Neither of us wanted the night to be over, but it was impossible to find anywhere that would let us in – everywhere was tickets only and they weren't going to take a chance on a couple of kids with no ID and clearly not much cash.
In the end she agreed to come back to mine. I explained that we could get in without Mum and Max even knowing, if she wanted, and of course, Lauren was busy in Josh's summerhouse. She followed me through the side door and straight into my room. I watched her as she took it all in. It was a mess as usual, I hadn't expected her to come back here or I would have tidied up. I started picking up the clothes I'd thrown across the sofa. She just smiled.
"What?"
"I like it. It smells of you."
"Er, I'll take that as a good thing after my present I suppose, unless it was a hint. Anyway, do you see what I mean about privacy?"
She nodded. "I know. It's almost as if it's your own flat. Not part of Lauren's house at all."
"Exactly! That's what I've been trying to tell you, we have got some much more privacy here." I waggled my eyebrows. "All the better to have my wicked way with you."
She giggled and I loved the way she was so much more confident around me now. "Take a seat my lady and I shall bring you some refreshments."
So we ended up welcoming in the New Year over cold toast and kisses on the sofa in the garage.
"Happy New Year, Jess. This year is the start of the rest of our lives, who knows what it will bring for us?"
She looked down at her mug of tea and smiled thinly.
"What?" But I didn't need to ask. I recognised that expression now and I was sick of seeing her look so miserable.
"Jess. Just stop. Stop thinking about uni, and all that stuff."
"Don't start."
"What do you mean by that?"
She sighed and then looked at me, "I wasn't going to say anything. I've had a really good night and don't want to spoil it but...I know you've been talking to my mum behind my back about Cambridge and me feeling ill." She left it hanging there. It wasn't even an accusation just a weary statement. She seemed sad.
"I..." I wasn't usually lost for words, and I wasn't for long. "I was scared. I was scared that you were going to get really ill. I didn't know what else to do."
She shook her head. "You shouldn't have gone behind my back."
"I wasn't really, it wasn't planned. It just came out. Your mum's worried, too."
I could feel everything slipping out of control. How could it all suddenly be going so wrong?
She remained calm. Too calm. "That's not the point. You betrayed me."
"That's too harsh, Jess! I thought you were really ill. I needed to help."
"But you can't fix me, Jonah. Just like you can't fix your mum. You've got to let us make our own choices."
"Don't bring my mum into this! How can you say that?" My voice was raised now. I wanted a proper row, but she was infuriatingly quiet.
She stood up. "I think I should go. I won't be able to get a cab so you're going to need to walk me. I don't want to talk about it anymore."
She didn't know me well enough to know that walking away from an argument with me was never going to happen. I grabbed her hand as if she hadn't said anything.
"This has nothing to do with my mum!"
"Yeah, you're right, that was low. I am sorry. I shouldn't have mentioned her. Of course you want to help her. But I am right about me and my future. Stay out of it."
Her words were like a body blow. I saw us with a future together. She clearly didn't.
"Thanks a lot Jess. Yeah, I'll just sit back and watch while you leave me for a life you clearly don't want. The very idea of it makes you sick."
"You don't understand." She frowned as if a thought was just occurring to her. "It isn't about leaving you, we can still be together."
"How? I'm not going to have enough money to get to see you as much as I want, you'll just realise you're wasting your time with me."
She reached for my hand then. "I haven't really thought so far ahead as that. I guess I can't think further forward than the stupid interview." My head had been bowed and when I looked up she was gazing into space looking shocked.
I took my opportunity. "All I am saying Jess, is that it might be worth looking at colleges a bit closer to home. I had a look online and there's plenty of courses you can do really close to here and..."
She stared at me then. I felt very cold and I dimly realised I had screwed up again.
"It could be great. We could still see each other all the time. I mean, it's hardly likely I'll get anywhere with my athletics and even if I did I could still see you whenever I wasn't competing, cos I'd always come back here to be with Mum. But more likely I won't qualify, so I'll probably get a job and I can get the bus over to the campus most weekends, maybe even save up to take my test and get a car. If you really want to still go to university early then at least you'll be close to home. You could even still live at home if you wanted." It wasn't the argument I should have started with. I was thinking of her and her health and not me. But I was making it sound like I just wanted her within arm's reach.
She was backing away from me, grabbing her bag. "Thanks a lot. So because you don't think you're going to make it with athletics, I have to give up on my dreams so you can see me all the time? I can't hear this right now Jonah."
"No, Jess! Let me explain. That came out wrong. What I mean is I'm worried about you, you're under too much pressure. If you get to Cambridge there's only gonna be more exams and pressure."
"I can cope with it." She stopped for a second. "What did you say? If I go there? You don't even think I can do it."
I shook my head. That hadn't been what I'd meant at all. "Jess, I am sure no one has worked harder than you. I am sure they will be falling over themselves to offer you a place." I paused, considering my next words. "I just don't really get why you'd want to take it though."
Still she looked at me like I was some kind of alien species. "It's what I have always worked for."
I should have picked up on the quiet anger in her voice, but I barrelled on. "Doesn't mean you have to go there though. I am honestly thinking about you, not just me. You have options.  You could go to college round here or you could stay on at school and then decide, you know, wait and go at the normal age."
"The normal age? You think I am freak, don't you? And why would I want to go to some crappy college round here? Where's that going to get me?"
I said nothing. She seemed surprised. "What?"
"What does that say about me, Jess? I couldn't even get into one of those crappy colleges if I wanted to. And what's so wrong about wanting us to have a future together? Maybe you need to think about just where it is you are so keen to get to by going to this fancy college. You go round so sure of yourself but I have never once heard what you are actually going to do with your degree once you've got it."
She let out a long sigh and fell back on the sofa next to me.
"Sometimes I don't think we understand each other at all Jonah."
"We do! Really we do." I could hear the panic in my own voice. I couldn't lose her already. I could feel her slipping away. I stood up and put my arms round her until she gradually started to relax against me. "Of course we get each other. It wouldn't feel so good to hold each other if we didn't. I'm sorry. I really am."
She looked sad and tired. "I know. Let's leave it. I don't want to waste the time we've got together arguing. I'm not going to change my mind about university. That's all you need to remember."
"I know," I whispered into her hair. "I was dumb to interfere. I just want you to be happy..."
"I know. We've said all we need to say. We're not going to agree on this one. But it's OK."
I closed my eyes. I needed us to be OK. I needed her more than she guessed and I had a horrible feeling that somehow I was wrecking it all.